The One who got Away

I take him into the kitchen and flick the coffee machine on. This is a place where we’ve been a million times before, but I suppose never really alone. The fact that the whole house is empty makes me feel deathly uncomfortable. I know how at risk I am, and the fact that I’m jittery scares me. I have had five years of separation, during which time I’ve grown into a strong and confident woman, so why am I a mess?

“Is it good to be back?” I ask him, needing to fill the silence. “I know that Brandon will be happy to see you when he gets in. He talks to Jenny about you all the time, so I’m sure she’ll be glad to finally put a face to the name.” What am I doing? I’m babbling like crazy. “Although, are you back, or just for a bit?”

“Oh, I’m back, baby!” he replies in a teasing tone. “Thank God, it’s good to be home. I’ve missed it.”

I almost tell him that here has missed him as well, but that might not be exactly true. It might just be me that’s thought about him a lot… or at least I used to before I met Patrick. I have the sudden urge to bring my boyfriend up, just to let him know that he doesn’t have any chance with me anymore… if he’s even thinking that.

“Yeah, I’ll have to introduce you to Patrick as well, if you’re sticking around.” I try to keep my tone breezy, but I don’t really pull it off well. Even I can hear that I’m strained and a bit needy. “He’s here a lot now…”

“Who’s Patrick? Some new friend of Brandon’s?” I don’t know if he’s being deliberately obtuse or not.

“No, Patrick is…” I can feel my cheeks flaming, embarrassment absolutely races through me. I don’t know why, I’m proud of my relationship with Patrick, and why wouldn’t I be? He’s perfect for me. I was so happy the day I got to declare us as official on Facebook, but now I feel all strange about it. In front of Zane, I feel weird and childish. But I’ve started this now, so I’ll have to finish it. “He’s my boyfriend.”

A thick silence clings to the air for far too long. I can almost feel rage burning off Zane. It wasn’t ever supposed to be this way, I didn’t think I’d ever have to face the first man I loved again. Especially not like this. Just as I thought I had the world all figured out, he’s shaken the ground underneath my feet again.

“You have a boyfriend?” Okay, now he just sounds bemused. “I see. And who is he?”

“He isn’t from around here.” I jut out my chin, trying to act far more defiant than I feel. “He moved here a while back and started working at the car dealership down the road. He actually sold me my car. That’s how we met.” I blush as I remember that day. Back then it all really felt like it was coming together. “He’s nice.”

“Nice?” Zane turns his nose up at me. “Oh yeah, that’s what every woman wants. Nice.”

I start to feel irritated at his smug attitude. Who is he to tell me what I do and don’t like? I throw my hands onto my hips and give him a defiant stare. “Oh, and I suppose you’re the expert, are you?”

He smirks knowingly, reminding me that in a way I know that he’s the expert. He certainly did something unexpected to my body on that night, and if I’m totally honest with myself I haven’t had that again. Not on that level. It’s good with Patrick, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel like he gets my body in the same way.

Not that it’s any reason for Zane to say anything derogative about him. That’s so out of order.

“Do you love this guy?” he probes, getting deeper under my skin. “Is he ‘the one’ for you?”

“I…” I shrug helplessly at him. “I don’t know, we haven’t been together for that long. Only six months.”

He raises one eyebrow at me as if this should be enough time for me to have all the answers. Annoyingly, Mandi feels the same way but then it’s different for her. She’s with Jon, her childhood crush, and it’s so different back then. Heady lust feels like love and by the time you’ve worked out the difference between the two, it’s too late. You’re head over heels, in love, with no way out. When you get older, it’s more sensible.

“I see. I guess Patrick hasn’t rocked your world then or you would already be in love.”

Anger burns, I almost want to hit him, but of course, I can’t. I’m pretty sure Zane is just ribbing me, trying to get a reaction out of me so he can see if I still feel anything for him. Which I do not.

“What about you?” I ask tartly. “Any girlfriends? Or just a string of one night stands?”

“Hey!” He actually has the audacity to look like tis offends him, as if he isn’t the king of sleeping around. I used to call him a fuck boy for crying out loud. “I don’t know what you think about me, but it isn’t true.” His face breaks out into a knowing smile. “Or maybe it is true and I’m just looking for the right girl.”

The right girl… I cannot believe that I used to think that was me. What a fool. No one is the right girl for Zane, he doesn’t have anyone that will get under his skin properly.

Probably not until he’s about forty, then he’ll consider settling down and having kids, way behind everyone else. Far behind me. I don’t know what I want in life, but I do want to find love before I’m too old. I want a family someday, with the right person… who may or may not be Patrick, the jury is still out on that one. For now, I’m just enjoying him a lot.

“I’m going to give Brandon a call,” I reply hotly. “I’m sure he’s very keen to see you.”

But before the phone reaches my ear, I feel a hand resting over mine, preventing me. I don’t want to give in to every one of his commands, that definitely isn’t the person that I want to be, but it’s so hard to think straight when I have electricity crackling all over my skin. All I want to do is scream and act out.

“Don’t call him yet,” he pleads. “I want to talk to you for a little while first. We need to talk, right?”

It’s only the offer of answers that stops me in my tracks. I haven’t had a chance to find out the truth before, not from the horse’s mouth anyway, and it’ll be interesting. It might even provide me with some much needed closure so that I can finally move on. Maybe this is why I haven’t given myself over to Patrick yet.

“Fine.” I slam my cell phone on the side. “You want to talk? About what?”

He smiles at me, seemingly enjoying the spark of anger in me. He appears to like dragging me kicking and screaming out of my shell in any way that he can, even if that’s rage. “About what happened. About the fact that I didn’t say sorry to you for vanishing in the middle of the night, about the fact that I didn’t even bother to call you, despite the fact that I knew I should do.” His eyes flicker down and I get a glimpse of the softer side under his hard shell for just a split second. “I have a lot of regrets in my life, Leah, but that has always been the worst one. I shouldn’t have turned my back on you like that, it was so very wrong of me.”

Once he stops talking, I realize that I’m panting like a crazy person and gripping onto the kitchen counter so hard that my knuckles have turned white. I never expected him to say any of that and it’s shocked me. I know I should reply, it’s the right thing to do, but the words are balled up in my mouth, stuck.