The One who got Away

I know that I could use the fact that she’s out so much against her, but that will make me feel like the shittiest person on the planet. I’m bad enough, I don’t want to do anything to make it worse.

“Sorry, Mom, I got a new job, I just haven’t had time to tell anyone yet. It’s been a bit crazy.”

She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me. There isn’t any point in trying to hide anything from Mom once she’s decided something about you. She might not be around much, but once she suspects, she’s like a Basset hound.

“Are you sure there isn’t something else going on? Because Brandon has been worried about you too. He says you’re out more often than not at the moment, and since things have gone downhill with Patrick…”

I know that this is a sore point with Mom. She wants me to end up with someone like that, someone who she’ll never have to worry about me with, and because there weren’t any direct problems with us she doesn’t understand why I broke things off. If he cheated on me, she would get it, but nothing happened, and that confuses her. I can tell by the disappointed looks that she shoots my way every time his name comes up that she isn’t impressed at all. it just makes it all the more difficult to admit who I do have feelings for, because she hates him already.

“Mom, I’ve just been hanging out with Mandi a lot, that’s all.” A snake of guilt coils its way through my body. “And I’ve been busy with the new job. There isn’t anything to worry about.” She pauses, just waiting for me to confess and I just feel like I have to say something. “Okay, okay, I’ve also been taking an online course.”

“Oh my God.” Her face lights up. “What is that studying? That’s great news, Leah, I’m happy for you.”

Urgh, I’m truly a terrible person. I haven’t ever wanted Mom to feel bad about me not going to college because she’s worked so hard to give me and Brandon what we needed. It worked out for the best anyway, Brandon always knew that he wanted to work in law, I wasn’t sure when I left high school. I don’t think I ever would have picked creative writing back then, which is what I truly love. It would’ve ended up a waste of money and qualification because I’m bound to have picked something that I wouldn’t like now. This is for the best.

“It’s… English.” I try to ease her in gently. “It’s about English literature and stuff.”

“So, you want to be a teacher? Hmm, I don’t think I ever would have guessed that!”

“Not exactly.” I suck in a couple of deep breaths, trying my hardest to calm myself down, but sheer terror races through my body painfully. “I want to be a writer. I want to write… books, probably.”

A thick silence clings to the air for far too long. She doesn’t like this, it isn’t stable. She won’t see any benefit to it at all, and I know why. Because she’s struggled, she doesn’t want the same for me, but this is my dream. Zane is following his dream and so far, it’s working out really well for him. Yes, it’s hard work, but rewarding.

“How do you think you’re going to make a living writing books?” she demands. “Have you even done any research into this? Do you know how hard it’ll be? Wouldn’t you be better off doing something that will offer you a steady job at the other end of it so that you can secure yourself a future?”

“Mom, you don’t need to worry about me,” I reply firmly. “I know what I’m doing, it’s fine.”

“It’s fine,” she sneers. “Oh, I see. It’s fine. I don’t need to worry about you. Well, I suppose I should just give up being a parent now then! I should just sit back and let you do whatever you want.”

“I am an adult,” I remind her. “I know what risk I’m taking, but I know I can make it work.”

“Leah, we all have dreams. But then we need to grow up and realize that the world doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately, making a living and keeping a roof over your head is much more important.”

I can feel a temper rising within me, I’m almost about to turn on my heels and stalk out of here, back to Zane’s home where at least I can do what I want with my life without being judged, but before I manage to the front door clicks open and Mom’s eyes fill with satisfaction. My brother will be in here at any moment, her ally in this argument. we both know that he will one hundred percent agree with her when it comes to my life.

“Hey, Mom,” Brandon calls out happily, not knowing the shit storm that he’s about to walk into. “Guess who I just ran into? Zane. I said he could come over for a few hours, you’re okay with that, right?”

Mom wants to say no, I can see it in her eyes, but Brandon has put her in an awkward position by asking in front of Zane. This is something that I’m sure everyone learns to do as soon as they hit their teen years.

It’s just a real shame today because I actually want her to say no. I cannot act normally around Zane now, I can’t pretend in front of these people that there isn’t anything happening between us. Especially since Mom has just put me on a complete downer when it comes to my life choices. I’m emotionally fragile and I really can’t tackle this on top of everything else. All I want to do is escape, I need to run away somewhere.

“Sure, whatever,” Mom replies through gritted teeth. “Since no one cares what I say anymore.”

Brandon comes into the kitchen, seemingly totally oblivious. He doesn’t even seem to feel the burning tension that’s flowing violently between me and Mom. He’s whistling to himself as if everything is fine.

Zane is right behind him, looking much guiltier than my brother. Clearly, this isn’t a surprise that he planned on and he feels bad for it. I know for a fact that if he knew that he was going to see Brandon tonight, he would’ve told me. He’s had plenty of opportunities, so it seems they did just bump into one another randomly. Zane doesn’t even seem ready to meet my eye right about now, which is fine because I feel exactly the same way.

“Everything okay?” Brandon asks. “I was thinking about making spaghetti for dinner…”

“Leah is studying creative writing; did you know that?” It seems Mom can’t hold it in, even to be polite in the face of company. “And she’s left her job without telling any of us.” Brandon looks at me, horrified, which of course, makes me blush. What is it with all this scrutiny? How have I done anything to deserve it? All I’ve done is break out of the monotony of my life to make it better. “Do you think there’s something wrong with her? Is she having a breakdown? First Patrick and then all of this? What do we do?”

I hate the fact that Zane is here, it’s so embarrassing, I want to scream and yell with anger and frustration. Yes, I know he’s got his own family issues so I’m sure he understands, but this makes me sound like I’m a child. I feel like I’m sixteen years old again, only not in a good way. This isn’t wonderful memories of that night, it’s sheer humiliation of being treated like I don’t know how to look after myself.

“First off, I wouldn’t talk about me like I’m not in the room,” I shoot back coldly. “That’s not really the way to treat someone who’s having a ‘breakdown’. Secondly, maybe you should take a moment to realize that this is my life and I can do what I want with it. Maybe creative writing isn’t the most stable choice, but it’s the one I want to make. Maybe I won’t make it and it’ll backfire, but I’m not asking you to pick up the pieces. I will deal with the consequences of my mistakes. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll create another path for myself.”

“Leah, Mom doesn’t want to hurt you…” Brandon tries to defend her and get us to make up. Unfortunately, it only sounds to me like he’s taking her side again. Temper burns in my ears and makes me want to explode. “We all just want what’s best for you, that’s all. I think Mom is just concerned because it’s a lot of changes all at once. None of us knew that the break up with Patrick was coming, and none of us understand it, and now you’re changing jobs and starting college courses… is this something that you’ve thought through properly?”

I get the impression that Zane is about to jump in to defend me, and much as it’ll be nice to have one person on my side, I can’t let him do it. Mom doesn’t like him, and that’ll make her worse. Also, I have a fear that Brandon might suspect about us and I really don’t want him to find out yet. What me and Zane have at the moment is perfect. I don’t want to do anything that might ruin it. I don’t want to give Zane any reason to run. At the moment, it really doesn’t seem like he’s going to, but too much pressure might set him off.