I race away from the table only because I know it’s my mom on the other end of the phone. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, who I’m partying with, I’ll pretty much always stop them to speak to Mom. She needs me and I need her. All we have are each other in this world.
My dad died when I was just a baby so I don’t remember him at all. He’s always been like a ghost in my life, the man in the photographs and in my mother’s stories. Not someone attainable, but someone’s who’s always been there, affecting me all the same. His impact on me has affected my life from day one and I never got to know him.
Growing up in a single parent family, with a mom who worked every hour God sent just to give us a mediocre life, I knew I wanted more. I never wanted to live the same life as Mom and I wanted to make her existence better too. That’s why I’ve always worked hard, that’s why I obsessed over business and getting my qualification, that’s why I worked myself into the ground. I wanted to make a better life for me and Mom and that’s just what I’ve done.
“Hi, Mom, you okay?” I ask while glancing behind me to see where Serena is. I can’t see her anywhere. The only people still at the table are Kyle and Jenny. Maybe he’s finally done the decent thing and sent Rick home. “I haven’t heard from you in a while. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, yes,” her tone is warm but I can detect some loneliness there. I make a mental note to myself to make an effort to go and see her at the weekend. She doesn’t live too far away, just outside the city. I should be able to do it more regularly really, sometimes I get too caught up in partying. “I’m okay, thank you. I’ve been out with Vivian from Bridge Club today, we went shopping and for a coffee, so that was nice. Ever since her husband passed away she’s been struggling. I can help with that, you know?”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges firmly in my throat. I don’t want to go down this road, not now, but if Mom wants to talk about Dad with me then I’ll let her. She might need that and if it helps her get through the day then so be it. “Yeah. You know what you’re talking about,” I rasp. “So it’s good that Vivian has you.”
“Oh I’m glad to have her too. It’s good to have friends.” She pauses for a moment and I can almost tell where her mind is headed. She has this funny notion that I’m the lonely one, despite the fact that my life is constantly filled to the brim. I’m always doing things, there’s never a dull moment for me. Why
would I feel lonely ever? “So, how are things with you? Have you been busy with work?”
“Busy as always.” I puff my chest out proudly. “You know me, always got something on the go.”
“Yes... I know you have. What worries me is that you push yourself too hard. I just think by now you should delegate more and start taking some of your life back.” She only says this because she feels guilty. She doesn’t want to think that it might be her fault I work so hard, even though it really isn’t. I don’t blame her at all, I know that she did her best for us. “Shouldn’t you want to start... dating now?”
“I’ve been dating,” I insist. “You don’t need to worry about me on that front.”
“Well I don’t really mean dating. I mean settling down.” I roll my eyes, it feels like everyone is on my case about that at the moment. “I think it’s time you start finding someone to get serious about, don’t you? You need to find someone and settle down before it’s too late.”
“I don’t know, Mom. I’m not sure that’s what I want.” I might as well be honest with her. “I’m quite happy with the way things are.”
“You only think that because you’re out at the moment. I can hear the music thumping in the background, but what about when you’re at home lying in bed alone. Don’t you think it would be better to have someone?”
I don’t often spend the night alone, and when I do it’s because I’ve passed out, but I don’t think Mom needs to know that much.
“I’m good, Mom. Don’t trouble yourself. I’m doing well.”
“You might want kids one day,” she continues as if she hasn’t heard me. “The last thing you want to do is leave that too late. If you don’t... well then you won’t have anyone to love like I love you.”
I’ve always suspected that Mom wishes she had more kids but no one came along after my father. I’ve never even seen her show any interest in any man. Maybe my dad was just ‘the one’ and after the love she shared with him nothing can compare. It’s sweet, if not very lonely.
“If I ever decide to settle down, Mom, I’ll let you know, but for now...”
“Oh I know. She’ll have to be a really special girl to catch you’re eye, I’m just saying that it might be time to start looking.”
Inadvertently my eyes travel aback over to the table, just to notice that Serena still isn’t there. She must have got called over to another table which I don’t like. I was looking forward to asking her more questions and getting to know her better. I don’t want her taken away from me now.
“Yes, Mom, I know. I’ll think about it.” She doesn’t understand that being twenty eight isn’t a death sentence. She was married by twenty one years old so she doesn’t think that I should still be single. She doesn’t understand that I’m nowhere near ready. It doesn’t matter though, if it ever happens then she’ll realise that I was right to wait until I met the right person. “Anyway, I’ll pop over to see you at the weekend if you like, it’s been too long since I came to see you.”
“Oh yes, that’ll be nice. Come for dinner. It’s been a long time since we had a nice meal together.”
My stomach growls at the idea. “Oh that sounds great, Mom. Your meals are honestly the best. I haven’t eaten anything home cooked for ages.”
“So what do you eat?” I laugh at her horror. “I’m serious, are you having take away every night?”
“No, Mom I eat out too. And I always have my vegetables,” I tease. “You forget I’m a big boy now, I can look after myself.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Just come over tomorrow lunch time, don’t wait until the weekend, and I’ll fatten you up, okay?”
“That sounds lovely.”
Just before I hang up the phone I cradle the phone close to my ear to feel closer to Mom again. I do miss her every day, but I can’t persuade her to move right into the city near me. She wants to keep the house I grew up in, the one she brought with my father. I guess she’s never gotten over his death.
As we say our goodbyes, I wonder again what it would have been like if my father never died. I try not to consider this much, but sometimes when I’m talking to Mom my imagination gets the better of me. He wasn’t ever an ambitious man, he was happy working a middle management job, but maybe if that drunk driver didn’t crash into his car as he drove home from work, we wouldn’t have struggled so much and I wouldn’t have developed my deep need for money. Cash represents a security I haven’t had before adulthood, maybe if I had a father I wouldn’t have become this way.