The One who got Away

She’s right. We didn’t always use protection, with Serena I haven’t been as careful as I always am with everyone else, but I didn’t think this was going to happen. If I did then I wouldn’t have acted so rashly.

“This is too soon.” I shake my head rapidly from side to side. “We can’t do this.”

“What are you saying?” Serena sounds hurt like she actually expected me to react differently to this news. “What do you mean, Ben? Did you hear what I said? We’re having a baby.”

“Don’t keep saying it,” I insist as I squeeze my eyes shut. “Don’t remind me. This is... it’s horrible. This has got to be the worst news ever.”

Serena stands up now and the flush on her cheeks is so clearly from anger. “This is a baby. How the hell can you say it’s the worst news ever?” Her eyes fill with tears, but I don’t feel anything for her. I’m not empathetic or sympathetic. I’m nothing. I’m numb, separate. This is nothing to do with me. “Are you serious?”

“Serena, we barely know each other.” I push myself into a standing position too, then I can’t stand still, my itchy feet need to move so I pace up and down. “I don’t know you, you don’t know me... we can’t have a baby together this is too much.”

“I was shocked at first,” she tries kindly. “But now I’m really happy about it. I just keep thinking that while everything that’s happened between us has been a bit crazy and unexpected, it’s all worked out well in the end. Maybe it’s fast for other people but for us it seems right. We can do this, we can be together, we can have this baby...” She grabs onto my hands and stares deeply into my eyes. “Together, it’ll be perfect.”

For a moment, I lose myself in the picture she’s presenting to me. I allow myself to see what she sees. Me and her with a little bundle of joy that will bring us everything that we’ve ever wanted. It’s a nice image, but it’s idealistic, and I can’t cave to that.

“No.” I snatch my hands away. “No, Serena, I can’t do that. My business, it’s struggling without me. I need to give it more focus. I came here tonight to tell you that I need to take a step back from us so I can focus on work more. I can’t keep doing this.” I wave my hands above my head, in a frustrated manner. “Then you come at me with this. It’s almost like you’ve done it on purpose.”

“On purpose? You think I got pregnant on purpose?” Now she’s really mad. “Look, this isn’t what I was expecting either, but we’re both equally responsible.” She steps back from me and runs her eyes up and down me like she no longer likes what she sees. “I cannot believe you’re pushing me away. No wonder you can’t ever make a relationship last.”

“This isn’t a relationship.” The fire burns brightly in me now, everything that I’m angry about floats to the surface. “This is just two people playing house until something better comes along.”

Maybe I don’t quite mean that as it sounds, but that’s how it comes out anyway. Serena moves away from me like I’ve slapped her in the face. “Well I’m sorry that I’m not the something better you want. I’m sorry that me and my baby are an inconvenience to you. Well don’t worry, you don’t have to play house with me anymore.”

She turns on her heels and races back up the stairs, I can hear her thundering footsteps. My breaths fall raggedly out of my mouth, my head spins as the emotions drain from me. I know I should probably go and speak to Serena, to try and make things right, but for now I just want her to go. I don’t want to resolve things because I don’t want her around anymore.

I slump backwards onto the couch and slide my eyes closed. Images of babies and baby clothing, mess and bottles, crying ad late nights, dirty diapers and illness... they all fill my mind and make me feel sick. How can I have it all? I can’t be a father with someone who, quite frankly, I hardly know. I can’t be responsible for human life and run my business all at once. This isn’t the right time.

With a weary sigh I push myself up. I don’t want to see Serena again, at least for the time being, but I do need to make sure this issue is resolved before she leaves. I hang about at the bottom of the stairs just waiting for her to come back down. I know she won’t wait up there forever, she’s leaving, she has too much pride to stay.

Eventually, with a thick coat on her and jeans donning her legs now, she moves back down the stairs. She’s carrying a heavy suitcase, one I should probably offer to take from her, but I don’t. I wait with my hand stuffed into my pockets.

“Look, Serena. I think we need to be smart about this,” I say quietly. “I think we need to think about our options here. How about tomorrow morning I book you an appointment at one of those clinics? I’ll pay for it of course, like you said we’re equally responsible.”

She recoils in horror and clutches her hand protectively to her stomach. “One of those clinics? You mean an abortion clinic? You think I should get rid of this baby?”

“It just isn’t the right time,” I offer up. “And I do think we should get to know one another properly first. This has just highlighted that, hasn’t it?”

“I cannot believe you.” Tears fill her eyes. “I actually cannot believe you. I guess you’re right... I don’t know you at all. If you thought I would give up my baby then you don’t know me either.”

She pushes past me and gets to the front door. Her hand rests on the handle where she leaves it for just a moment. I can see her thinking, and I’m also pretty sure that I see a tear splashing to the ground beneath her. I want to comfort her, but at the same time I think she’s in the wrong too. I can’t believe that she won’t even try to see things from my perspective. How is it fair that I’m going to be forced to be a father, even thought I don’t want to be?

“I’m sorry it’s ended this way,” Serena says though gritted teeth. “I am grateful for everything that you’ve done for me, but this is something that we’ll never agree on. For now, this is it.”

She leaves and I have a hollow sensation in my chest but I know that I’ve done the right thing. My business has always come first and that’s just the way it needs to be. If I want success, then I don’t have a choice and success has always been my number one priority.

Chapter Twenty – Serena

“Thank you for letting me stay, Tia, I really appreciate it,” I tell her sadly. “It means a lot to me that you would do that.”

“Serena, it’s been a week. You don’t have to thank me every day.” She glances down at my cell phone, clutched tightly between my fingers. “Still no news, huh?”

When I first turned up at Tia’s house in the middle of the night with the positive pregnancy test that she’d told me to buy, she welcomed me in with open arms. I told her it wouldn’t be for long, just until Ben saw sense and apologised but that hasn’t happened yet. He’s being stubborn. It has to be that, he can’t really want me to get rid of my baby, can he?

I rub my belly, despite the fact that there’s only a tiny little bump there, and I feel a wash of moroseness again. After I got over the initial shock, I realised how happy I am to become a Mom. Especially to Ben’s baby. How does he not feel the same? Maybe I should have listened to Marie’s warning more than I did.

“No news yet. I’m sure there will be soon, and if not I’ll get off your couch anyway. I’m sure you want your home back.”

“Where will you go?” Tia gives me a curious look. “I mean, I’m happy for you to stay as long as you need to, but I’m sure you aren’t comfortable on the couch. And what with my roommates...”