Broken

Johnathan, even with his callous nature and strange behavior, made me feel a sense of excitement and need that I had never experienced before.

Johnathan wasn’t my first, but he was undoubtedly my best. I had never experienced such a fulfilling sexual encounter in all my life. I couldn’t wait to do it again. He was so exciting and mysterious, but strangely, it wasn’t those qualities that intrigued me during sex.

While we were making love, I felt as though I was actually experiencing Johnathan, the real, unbridled Johnathan, for the first time.

I felt as though for the first time, probably in a long time, but certainly since we met, he actually allowed himself some freedom.

I knew that it couldn’t be easy for him to continuously be that person, who hides everything and shoves everyone away, all the time. I knew there must be a reason, but even with such a staunch commitment, it couldn’t be easy to continue to be someone he wasn’t.

Making love to him had shown me what he was really capable of. He was sweet, considerate, and caring, without sacrificing his masculinity.

He was the full, sexy, dreamy package, wrapped into one extremely shielded person.

However, I was convinced that even with the small, but powerful introduction, I had become enamored with the man behind his façade.

I wondered how to get Johnathan to trust me enough to show me that man again, preferably in a situation where it was more appropriate for us to talk.

I wanted to get to know more about that Johnathan; the man that didn’t feel he needed to hide.

However, when Johnathan returned, despite how happy I was to see him, I could immediately tell that he wasn’t happy to see me.

While having the conversation about the tea and his chair, for a moment, I held out hope that I was wrong.

Yet, when he made no effort to continue the conversation, my original thoughts were confirmed.

“What’s wrong, Johnathan?” I asked, hoping that he would find it appropriate to speak to me, instead of blowing me off, as he often did.

“Listen, Carrie, I just want you to know that what happened before will not happen again, okay?”

“Um, okay…” I replied, unable to hide the fact that I was intensely hurt by his gruffness. “Why? What changed?”

“You’ve had your experience, fucking a mountain man, so you should leave it at that,” he retorted in an ire-stricken voice.

I could tell that he was hurt, though I didn’t understand why. I felt hot tears burn the corners of my eyes. I was angry and hurt. I immediately felt used and disrespected.

“What?” I exclaimed, getting to my feet, and rushing over to him. “Johnathan, please, I wasn’t looking for any kind of experience. I wasn’t trying to use you. I wanted you…I still want you…” When I poke, my voice sounded nearly as desperate as I felt.

I reached for him, but he backed away.

“Look, I’m not angry, or anything like that. I just don’t want to do that again. That’s it. I don’t blame you for anything…

“Yes, you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing, Johnathan. You’re using my words against me. I told you that I was looking for adventure by hiking the mountain, not fucking my way up it!”

He seemed slightly taken aback by my irate candor but didn’t allow that to waiver his misguided conviction.

“Well, maybe I realized what we did was wrong, and I don’t want any part of it.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s great! Mr. I’m gonna go hide up in the mountains, because I can’t deal with life, is going to try to be a beacon of morality all of a sudden. Just admit it, you wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with you. Now, you regret it…That’s fine. Shit happens, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me. I think you’re punishing yourself for something.”

“No, you’re wrong. I’m just trying to mitigate the damage for both of us. You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed, “Why would you think I would ever do that to you? Or to anybody, for that matter? How much of a bitch do you think I am? Or, is it just all women?”

“For your information, it’s not just women, I tend to see the worst in everyone.”

“Obviously,” I insisted, now more readily angry at being accused than hurt. However, I knew that the pain he had caused ran deep. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to make him feel awful for trying to hurt me like he was, but I could hardly find the right words to respond to him, much less make him understand how terrible he was being to me. So, instead of trying to reciprocate with an equally degrading blow, I simply huffed and shook my head, “You know what, you can think whatever the hell you want. I can’t stop you from thinking whatever will help you sleep better at night, but just so you know, you’re wrong. I would never do that to you. I am attracted to you. That’s why I slept with you. I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do, but for you, to sit there and try to shame me, when it’s really just your insecurities that are making you feel like this…that makes you no better than that shit guide you “saved” me from.”

As I spoke, Johnathan dropped back, his mouth hinged wide open.