Broken

“Oh, well, I could tell you that my parents are selfish. The only reason they even like my brother is because he was good for their campaign trail. Unfortunately, he knows it too, but since they like him, he doesn’t want to rock the boat,” Johnathan answered me without actually looking back at me.

“I’m sorry,” I replied, watching as he turned around and sat back next to me, without looking at me.

He was quiet for a moment and I let him have that. I supposed he was thinking, probably about a lot of painful memories that he didn’t want to be replaying in his mind.

“I just want to feel differently,” he finally insisted, glancing up at me for the first time in a while, now peering deeply into my eyes.

I stayed quiet, not sure exactly how to respond, or even if I should respond. His expression was so intense and deep, that if he weren’t looking straight at me, deep into my soul, I would think that he was looking straight through me.

We stayed there, eyes locked in silence for a long period of time.

During that time, I gazed back into his eyes, trying to figure out where his thoughts were roaming to, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint it from the look he was giving me.

I thought about what it would be like, having to go back home, without him.

I didn’t know how much time I would have before the rangers showed up, but every second seemed to pass too quickly. Even without having a specified time limit, I knew that no matter how much time I had left with him, it wouldn’t be enough.

His eyes, although they didn’t give me much of a lead as to what Johnathan was thinking, sure gave me some insightful thoughts.

Wanting to stay with him forever, I wondered if that would be possible, but decided that I would miss the outside world, so the only way that would work would be if he came back to reality.

Staying with him would simply be enabling him…and what about your family, your career? What about all the things you’ve worked so hard to accomplish. Surely Johnathan wouldn’t want you to give all that up. I convinced myself, though the thought of leaving him presently seemed even more upsetting than leaving my life behind.

However, I knew that was only because he was presently what I was losing. I wouldn’t be happy here, in the mountains, for the rest of my life.

Although, staring into his eyes right then, keeping my gaze trained on him for such an extended period of time, made me think that I could.

“I want you, Carrie,” he finally admitted, breaking the intensity of the moment, but giving validity to a whole new train of thought.

I grinned, trying to figure out the best way to respond honestly, without making him feel as though I was trying to convince him to do anything he wasn’t ready for. “And I want you too. That is never going to change.”

“But right now, I just feel that it’s easier to push you away than risk the chance of you walking away. At least then, I’m not blindsided.”

I nodded in understanding, “I get that.

”

He seemed skeptical, “I’m trying my best…”

“I’m serious, Johnathan. I really do understand,” I insisted, “When I was talking to you, telling you about my past, I realized that, while I do deserve your trust, you deserve the time it takes to give me that trust. So, my door is always open. I can’t guarantee what will happen, but I will always be there for you if you need me.”

Johnathan allowed this to settle in his mind for a moment before he grinned, “Thank you. I appreciate that and hopefully soon, I’ll be able to surprise you.”

“That would be great, but in the meantime,” I said, reaching up, so that my lips were close to his, “I’m not going anywhere,” with that, I kissed him passionately, throwing my arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

Immediately, Johnathan wrapped his arms around me as well and deepened the passion of the kiss.

Johnathan leaned against me, his arm resting heavily on the wall behind me as his head twisted in a manner that allowed him to thrust himself against me, almost desperately.

The essence of the kiss was also different; it was almost as though he was trying to revel in every moment, every touch and every second that we were spending together.

“I mean,” he insisted, as his lips traveled off my mouth and toward my ear, while his hand cupped around the back of my neck as he pulled me closer to him, “I need you now.”

“Here?” I asked, my eyes darting toward him as I snickered with a sense of excitement, “But…People could show up at any minute. We could be caught?”

“You think I give a fuck?” He growled, before pressing toward me again, as his tongue thrust deeply into my mouth. His arm snaked around my body, pulling me up so that I was slightly risen above the seat.

He scooted me back, so that I was against the small wall that divided the bench from the rest of the buildings.