Broken

“I don’t know if I can definitely call him my boyfriend yet,” I reply coyly. “But yeah it’s sweet that he’s come here.” I give him a cheeky wave which he responds to, despite the fact that he’s surrounded by other business men that he’s talking to. “He’s very kind.”

“So, wait, you live with him, he follows you to work, he gives you that protective look all the time... but he’s not your boyfriend?” She makes a disbelieving sound. “Nah, girl, I think you’ve locked him down and you don’t even realise it.”

God, I hope that she’s right. I really hope that Ben is mine. I don’t want to ask him because things aren’t supposed to be getting complicated between us.

“Yeah, maybe.”

I continue washing the glasses, but over the top of them I admire Ben. Maybe that is a protective look in his eyes, or maybe he just wants me again. Whatever it is it sends a powerful shiver racing up and down my spine. It brings a cheeky smile to my lips and makes me think about what will happen later when we get home. Our sex life gets steamier every single day and I like that. I always can’t wait to see what he has next for me.

“Yeah, girl, he definitely isn’t yours,” Tia teases. “He just brings that glint to your eye for no reason. You’ll be married next and still not convinced that he is yours.”

There it is, another sign. It seems that everywhere I look there are indications of weddings everywhere. It’s almost as if the universe is telling me to just get on with it and marry Ben already, despite the short time we’ve known one another.

I would as well, I would marry him if that’s what he wants.

“What about you?” I can’t discuss Ben anymore, it’s making my head spin. “Are you with anyone?”

“Oh well, I was with this jackass, Mike.” Her expression turns sour, I can tell this isn’t going to be a story that ends well. “But as it turned out, he was also dating one of the girls who used to work here at the same time. A blonde, Jenny her name is.”

My blood runs cold. She can only be talking about my Jenny, but I don’t remember any guy named Mike. Then again I didn’t ever really get to know any of her flings. There were more late night hook ups and they didn’t stick around for long enough for me to speak to them.

I glance at Tia out the corner of my eye wondering if I should tell the truth. Will Tia blame me too if she knows I was Jenny’s roommate, probably at the time they were both dating the same guy. Oh well, judging by the timing, definitely at the same time. Then again, do I want to start our potential friendship on a lie?

“I erm, I used to live with Jenny.” Tia shoots me a look, one that isn’t very impressed at all. “But I don’t remember anything about a Mike.”

A thick silence clings to the air for a moment, I wonder if everything is about to dissolve as quickly as it began, but then thankfully Tia’s face begins to thaw. “Oh well, I’m not surprised that you don’t know him. Mike is definitely a late night sort of guy... not like your Ben.”

I breathe out a sigh of relief. “I’m sure Jenny didn’t know about you either. She isn’t like that.” I don’t think anyway. I’ve never thought her to be that sort of person. “And Mike sounds like a loser. You’re better off without him.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Now I’m just single, but it’s okay. I’m loving it.... oh...”

Her eyes travel over to where Ben is and by the way her expression pales I can tell it isn’t good. I almost don’t want to look myself, but my head turns regardless as if my body has a mind of it’s own. There I see a sight that makes my heart stop dead in my chest.

“Holy fuck,” I mutter in shock. “What the hell?”

He has the most obviously beautiful red haired woman with massive round balloon type breasts pressed up against him. While Ben doesn’t necessarily look impressed by what she’s doing, he isn’t doing anything to push her off either, and judging by the way she’s touching him in a very familiar way it seems that she’s definitely touched him before...

Possibly in a sexual way.

I feel frozen to the spot as I drink this sight in. I guess I always assumed that he had an extensive past, but having his past thrust into my present isn’t pleasant at all. It makes me see all the other women that he’s probably been with, every single one of them more beautiful than me. My insecurities fly to the surface, I feel shitty, like I don’t deserve Ben which is probably the truth of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been good enough for him.

“Who is that?” Tia rasps next to me. “Do you know her?”

“No,” I reply with tears in my eyes. “No I don’t know her at all.”

I want to be strong. I wish I could just take this on the chin and not think anything of it, but I can’t. Sickness swirls inside of me so violently that I fear it might burst free from my lips at any moment. The walls are closing in on me, panic is tearing through my veins, if I don’t get any breath into my lungs soon then I might just explode.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” I push past Tia with my vision blurring. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

I don’t look at anyone as I race through the bar at a million miles an hour. I keep my gaze on my feet. I do notice the tears splashing downwards, hitting my feet as I go but that doesn’t make me stop. I need to get into the bathroom, I need privacy, to feel everything that I’m experiencing inside.

I push the door open, gasping loudly and I practically fall into a stall. Once inside with the door locked I let the tears stream down my face. I’ve been kidding myself, living in a fantasy world, believing that everything is perfect. Inside Ben’s home it is, it really is, but when we bring us out into the real world it just isn’t anymore. We can’t hide away, I can’t day dream about getting married when surely soon enough this might all crash and burn. I need to think with more realism in my heart. This isn’t some fairy tale, it’s real life. I need to remember that.

“Hey!” a brass voice calls out as the door swings open. I rapidly brush away a couple of stray tears and suck in a breath. “Bar girl. Serena, or whatever your name is. You in here?”

My heart hammers rapidly, I don’t know what to do. Do I answer this unfamiliar voice or do I act like I’m not here? I assume it’s the red head which could mean that I’m about to have a very awkward conversation. Then again it might teach me more about the real Ben, not just the one that I’ve built up in my mind. If I’m going to go into this properly, with all the information to hand, then maybe that’s something I need to face.

“Y... yes,” I stammer as I try and clear up my face with a tissue. “I’m here.”