Broken

“It’s just you and me, I guess,” I say to my bump. “I mean, he might show, but I don’t think he will.”

I wonder if he’d turn up to the abortion clinic. Maybe he’d be more keen to see that happen. I still cannot believe he said that, it makes me feel ill. I can’t think about that today, I just can’t. I need to focus. It’s only my baby that matters now...

***

My cheeks sting with cold as I enter the hospital room. After humiliatingly waiting outside until the very last moment, just for Ben not to turn up, I’m now the tiniest bit late and I’m angry and upset too. How can he just not be here? After everything that’s happened, I still thought he’d turn up. This is his baby’s ultrasound after all.

But no, he doesn’t care. Not enough to be here.

“Hello there,” the friendly looking doctor says to me with a smile. Her light brown hair is pulled into a stark looking bun which makes her look a bit fierce to be honest. Her grin is nice enough though so maybe I shouldn’t judge. “How are you feeling today?”

“Oh, fine,” I say as I take my seat. There’s no point in telling her the whole messy truth. “Bit tired, but aside from that.” I shrug because I don’t want to get into it too much.

“How is your morning sickness? Have you had much in your first trimester?”

“I’ve been feeling very sick, but I haven’t had much vomit to be honest.”

“Okay.” She types something on the computer for a moment and I can’t help but wonder if my lack of sickness is that interesting. “And how have you been in yourself?”

Dreadful, miserable, lonely... I don’t think that’s what she wants to know. “Okay generally. Not too bad.”

“Good, good. Right well if you just hop up onto the bed then I’ll perform the ultrasound. We can take a little look at your little man or girl.”

“Will I find out the gender today?” I don’t even know if I want to. I haven’t much thought about it yet.

“No, we can’t do that just yet, the picture won’t be clear enough. If you want to know, you will have to wait until you’re twenty weeks in.”

“Half way?” That’s so far away. Now I really want to know. “Okay, fair enough.”

I lie on the table and pull my top up to reveal my slightly swollen belly. The doctor pours some extremely cold jelly across me which instantly makes me shiver. Then she grabs a white device that’s attached to an old fashioned looking computer screen.

“Right, let’s do this.”

The doctor smiles down at me one more time and I try to match her expression but all I can really focus on is the fact that Ben isn’t here. He should be, but he’s not. He’s missing out on one of the biggest moments in his baby’s life.

Maybe he’s never going to be around.

“The heart beat is strong,” the doctor mumbles as she rubs the machine across me. A black and white grainy image pops up, but I can’t yet see anything that resembles a baby. “Really strong. Actually that might be a bit erratic...”

I tune her out as she speaks and just watch the screen fascinated. Ben flows from my mind as well, if he cannot be bothered to be here then that truly is his own problem. If he isn’t interested in this wonderful miracle of life that he’s created, then that’s up to him. Right now, all I care about is the gorgeous little being inside of me.

There’s a stirring and lots of shapes but nothing I can quite make out. Still I stare at the screen as if it’s the most amazing thing in the world. It’s my insides, how weird is that? It’s a part of me that I never thought I would see and although I can’t quite tell what it is, it hardly matters now.

“Yep, just as I suspected.” All of a sudden, the doctor pulls me from my thoughts. “There are two babies in there.”

“T... two?” I stammer awkwardly. “What do you mean, two?”

“Twins.” She says this in such a matter of fact tone that it makes my heart stop dead in my chest. “Are there any twins in your family? It usually runs through.”

“I don’t think so.” I shake my head. If there were I would know about it.

“And what about the father of the babies? Does he?”

It hits me how little we know about each other. Of all the awful things that Ben said to me, that’s the one that’s stuck. We don’t know anything really, we just got stuck in a bubble We told each other little things and convinced ourselves that we were opening up.

What me and Ben had was a sham.

“I’m not sure,” I admit. “Are they identical?”