Broken

d myself deep into her with my fingers curled around one side of her underwear. She feels so fucking good as her walls contract around me that my eyes close with happiness. I don’t know the woman’s name and now I’ve forgotten her face too. She’s just another notch on my ever growing bed post. Maybe it’s a shitty way to live my life, but all the women are as eager as this one so we’re all consenting adults here.

As the pleasure started to claim her, I grabbed her legs and raised her off the ground. She gasps and screams as she buckles and thrashes, getting her own release. I held her so one she wouldn’t fall and two so I could get in deeper. I wanted to lose myself completely and judging by the way my thighs were shuddering it wouldn’t be long until I did.

“Oh fuck,” I grunted as the pleasure built up. It was a pressure, swelling and building up, and any minute now it would explode…

Fireworks burst, waves of desire crashed over me, I got full satisfaction with this mystery woman. As I dropped her to the ground and we both stood panting next to one another, a cold sensation settled in the pit of my stomach. Much as I loved my life there was always a small element of guilt that came with it. I was always very open and honest with the women before we had sex, but I couldn’t seem to stop it from coming.

“I suppose I better go,” I commented quietly, hating myself for banging and leaving. I wouldn’t be so quick to go if I didn’t have stuff to do. I would at least stick around for a drink. “Erm, like I said I have a trip to pack for. Sorry I have to go like this but…”

“No, don’t worry about it, hun,” the girl replies with a bright smile. She tugs her jeans on with ease, acting as if this is normal. Maybe it is for her, maybe this is the sort of thing she does all the time. Maybe she’s the female equivalent of me. “It’s all good. Maybe you should just come back here when you get back. We can go for round two.”

“Sure, sounds good.” I know I won’t. I have no intention of setting foot in this bar again unless I have a gig to play but there’s no way I will tell her that. There’s honesty and then there is just being a dick. “I shall see you soon, okay?”

“Yep, bye, Stephen. It’s been great having you around.”

I leave the cellar rapidly, needing some fresh air. I hang my head low as I walk through the bar, I don’t want everyone to stare at me knowingly as I leave. I just need to be in my own space now, to prepare for the next stage of my life. I have the cruise tomorrow, which I’m hoping will change everything for the better.

My big break is coming, I just know it. I just have to be patient and wait for it.

Chapter Three - Tia

This is good, I think to myself as I glance my eyes around to drink in the scene surrounding me. This cruise is really good for me, I’m glad I went for it.

Luxury doesn’t even begin to cover what Princess Cruises offers, it’s incredible. The bedrooms are better than what most five star hotels offer, with mattresses so comfy I could sleep forever, duvet covers and pillows that offer just the right amount of softness and warmth. Plus, the shower is wonderful. It’s a proper wet room that I can really relax in. Any tension in my muscles is long gone by the time I get out of it.

And that’s just the bedrooms. Up on deck there are endless shops I can spend my days in, with absolutely everything on offer any person could ever want. It’s almost as if they cater to every single individual person which is weird since its in the middle of the ocean. There’s even an art gallery and a library which is amazing. I love it. I also really like the swimming pool outside, which is great to swim in during the sunny periods.

It has everything.

So, why do I still feel so lonely?

I slam my notebook shut, feeling awful about myself. I came here to relax and to write, but I haven’t actually managed to get any writing done. I keep telling myself that I’m really enjoying myself but the truth is I still feel like crap about myself. I’m missing direction, I need some focus. I just don’t know where to find it.

I sigh loudly and slump my head backwards. My eyes fall closed and I try to find some comfort in the space I’ve got in my alone time. In the middle of the ocean I don’t have any signal on my phone which means I can’t communicate with anyone at all. On the plus side, it means I don’t have to see how wonderful and fabulous everyone else’s life is, but on the negative side I feel far too cut off from the world for words. It sucks.

And the other people on the cruise, none of them are like me. Most people are older, settled in life, happy to join in with the lame activities that the staff have to offer such as crafts and book clubs. None of them are young and alone, looking for someone to connect with…

Well, hello!

All of a sudden, as if I can feel the prickle of someone looking at me, and my eyes snap open. I prop myself up onto my elbows and I glance around. My long dark hair falls in front of my eyes which I blow to knock it out the way, to reveal… him.

I don’t know who he is, but he looks just like the man I have been picturing in my fantasies over the last few days. He started on my last day of college and continued ever since. The blond haired, green eyes giant who could devour me in a heart beat. As I look at him my heart literally stops beating for a moment and a heat consumes me. He is everything!

I glance back down as I feel my cheeks blush, but soon it’s as if a magnet it pulling my gaze back upright in an instant. As I look again, I realize that he isn’t quite like the man of my dreams, but close enough. He doesn’t appear to be covered in tattoos, and although I can’t see too much it seems that his eyes might be more blue than green but he’s close enough.

Oh, my God.

I don’t know what to do with myself. He shoots me a smile that lights up his whole face, but I don’t think I give it back. I don’t know what my face is doing actually, I feel all weird and tingly inside. It’s as if I’m having an electrical shock, it prickles and races all over me. I even have to sit up a little straighter because I’m trying to disguise the emotional turmoil that I’m currently experiencing.

What do I do? I think frantically. What can I do?

The sight of this man inspires me in a way that nothing has done for a very long time. I want to talk to him, I want to grab onto him to explore this magnetism further, I want to explore the fantasies that are now circling my mind at an even more rapid speed than before. I want my night of passion, damn it! But for some reason, my mojo is no more. I guess I lost my confidence a long time ago, probably at the same moment I found Liam kissing the blonde in the bar, and I haven’t recovered it. I just didn’t realize it until now.

I need to go and speak to him, I don’t want this opportunity to pass me by. He’s got to be, by far, the most interesting person on this cruise and I need to utilize that before I lose my mind, but I don’t know where to begin.

Just go and say hi! I try to convince myself. He smiled at me, he must at least see something in me, just go casually past him and say hello.

Despite the fact that the idea of doing that fills me with an intense pit of dread, I ignore my labored breaths and I push my eyes upwards to see him again… but he’s gone. Ice cold upset consumes me and I feel like a damn idiot.