Broken

The orgasm actually hits me unexpectedly. I’ve been so busy focusing on looking at Kian and working out how he’s feeling that I forgot to concentrate on the sensations. As I buckle and crumble under the sheer magnitude of the burning hot pleasure that races through me, consuming me entirely, Kian sits up and he holds me close, caring for me throughout it all. The action seems to make it too much for him and I feel the intense pleasure burst free from his body too. We shudder together, sharing yet another part of our journey together.

I don’t know where we’ll go from here, but right now we’ve got this far the two of us, doing everything together, and it feel wonderful. The loneliness that I have suffered my whole life with feels like it’s gone for good.

Chapter Seventeen - Kian

I can’t relax, I can’t sit still and I’ve been this way for days now. Ever since me and Tia slept together I haven’t felt right. I mean, I like her a lot, I know that she’s good for me and to be honest I really might believe that she’s the one, but I just can’t settle into it and I don’t know why… or maybe I do know why, I just need to wrap my head around it.

I need closure. I think we both do. When it comes to Stephen, there’s still something there. There are unanswered questions that I think really need answering before we can both move on. It’s almost as if his spirit is hanging over us, as if he’s somewhere in the realm and we need to solve this mystery before any of us can move on with our lives. Or maybe I’m just a crazy person who’s looking for an excuse for behaving in such a mad way. Whatever it is I know that I need to at least take a look at it.

I’ve made notes about everything that me and Tia know about the case, not that it’s much. I know that he worked on the cruise, that they shared a night together – even if that’s a part I would much rather not think about, it’s an undeniable part of the story – he intended to go back but something stopped him. Then he sent me that text:

‘Kian, it’s me, bro. I’m doing a show on the Princess Cruise ship and I’ve seen something. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.’

I hate myself for ignoring this warning. It’s so obvious now that Stephen was calling out to me, begging me for help and I just didn’t want to hear it. Yes, he did often send me random stuff when he was drunk and this could easily have just been that, but it wasn’t and I truly feel terrible. Maybe if we spent more time trying to repair our relationship none of this would have happened… not that I can allow myself to get lost down that trail of thought. I really do need to keep focused.

Okay, so Stephen saw something. He saw it on the cruise ship, but the murder didn’t happen until some time after. He saw something so bad that someone needed to kill him off so he didn’t blab to the police. Obviously, he didn’t go right to the police or all of this could have been dealt with a long time ago. Whatever he saw scared him enough to stay silent.

And then there’s this Katie chick, the barmaid who found him. She might know more than she?

?s letting on. Of course, she might not, but it won’t hurt to ask. Unless it’s some kind of mafia thing, I suppose. Maybe then she’ll be too scared to say anything at all. It could be some organized crime thing, much as that sounds crazy, I don’t want to rule it out…

So, I have a lot of jigsaw pieces, but still they don’t quite fit together and that’s the frustrating part. It’s unsettling me, leaving me distressed and annoyed. It’s almost as if it’s right there, but I can’t quite grasp it. There’s only one logical step of what I can do next, and I know what it is. I might not like it but it’s what I have to do.

I glance at my cell phone screen, looking at the time. It’s almost time for Tia to finish work which means we can hang out. Even with everything that’s going on the thought of seeing her face again lights up my chest and makes me feel really happy. I adore her face, her smile, her sweet nature… if I’m totally honest with myself, I know that it wouldn’t have worked out between Stephen and Tia in the long run anyway, even if he did like her. We might share a lot but we’ve never shared a taste in women before. I think he would have ended up straying and breaking her heart anyway.

Unless she could have been the one to change him. I suppose we’ll never find out now.

I shake my head, ridding my brain of those thoughts and I gather up my things to go and meet her. She might not like what I’m about to say, but it needs to be said. I just hope that she understands my plan and she doesn’t get too upset by it all. If I explain it right and I let her know it’s the only way I’ll really be able to move on then, surely she’ll be okay?

Only time will tell, and now it’s the time to go and find out. I need to be brave.

***

I tap my feet anxiously as I wait outside of Tia’s work for her appearance. The more time that passes the more anxious I get about everything. I don’t want to now talk myself out of the plan that I’ve been working on all day long… all week long. It’s the only thing I’ve got.

Eventually she appears arm in arm with another girl. I assume this is her best friend, Ashely. She looks like the fun-loving girl that Tia described. I’ve yet to meet her, but that’s something I understand. Me and Tia have mostly kept to ourselves, we haven’t brought the rest of our lives into our little relationship thing because it’s so fragile. No, fragile isn’t the right word, we’re strong really. I have a lot of trust in her and I think she does me, it’s just the fear of what everyone else will think. Once we let others in, we open ourselves to criticism and I don’t think either of us are ready for that yet.

I still need to consider how this will affect my parents, and that’s the scariest ides of them all. Maybe me and Tia could pretend that we just met randomly and that nothing happened with her and Stephen, but I don’t want to erase him from her history like that. I still want to keep him alive in every way possible. I need to address it when we finally take that step, but now just isn’t the time for that. Of course, they’re still healing for their son, just like I’m still grieving for my brother. I just hope that this helps to overcome that.

“Kian!” Tia’s eyes widen with surprise as she spots me. She pulls away from her friend and moves across to me. I can tell that there’s panic behind her eyes, she’s freaked out that I’ve just turned up like this. Maybe I should have warned her, it wouldn’t have been too hard to send a text, would it? “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

I ignore the people bustling behind us and I zone in only on Tia. My breaths start coming in short and sallow, I don’t know where to start. “Can we go somewhere private?” I gasp out desperately. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Of course.” She runs her eyes all over me as if she’s trying to work me out. I can tell she’s searching for something that I can’t give her just yet. “Come to mine.”

She links one arm through mine and waves goodbye to her friends. I feel bad for dragging her away from all the people she loves, but I hope that it’ll be worth it when I explain everything to her. I put my head down and focus my eyes on the ground and allow Tia to just drag me. I can’t look up again, not until we’re away from the crowds. I just can’t deal with people right now, there’s only one person I want to be with.

Finally, we reach her home and I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. When it’s just me and Tia I can relax just a little bit. “Sorry for the dramatics, I know that was unnecessary. I’ve just been thinking a lot and…”

She claps her hand loudly across her mouth. “Oh my God, you want to end it,” she declares. “I mean, I should have known that this was coming because it is hard, but oh my God. I still feel really shocked.” She stares at me with eyes swimming with pain. Much as this is a horrible moment it’s quite sweet too because I get to see just how much she really cares about me. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so crazy it just…” She grips her chest, giving my cue that I really need to step in before she has a heart attack or something.

“No, no this isn’t that.” I do my best to reassure her but she still looks blown away. “It isn’t that at all. I just… well, it’s Stephen.” Again the color drains from her face as I mention my brother. “I’ve been thinking about him and the mystery that’s surrounded his death. I want to find out more, I need to work out what happened to him and why.” She nods slowly, getting it more than anyone else in the world would. “I need to figure it out, I don’t think that I’ll be able to move on if I don’t. Especially with…” I sigh loudly, hating myself for saying this. “Especially with us.”

“Yes, of course,” she rasps. “I understand that, I want to know what happened too. It’s all very strange. There’s something there that doesn’t quite fit.” She’s clearly been thinking about it too. “Someone knows what happened, and I just know that if we could get to that person then it would be okay.”

As she gives me an imploring look I feel compelled to continue on. “Well, I’ve thought about that a lot and that could work. There was some bar maid named in the article wasn’t there? She could know something… but at the same time I think that if it’s all related to organized crime then maybe she won’t speak. Maybe, if they like getting rid of witnesses, she’s gone too. You never know.” I don’t like that option, but I can’t deny it’s possible.

“Oh yeah, of course. I guess I never thought about that.” Her eyes flick towards me under her eyelashes, making her look absolutely adorable. “But you are going to America, right? That’s your plan? I mean, that’s all you can do, isn’t it?”