Broken

I sigh loudly and let my head

fall into my hands. I don’t want to be having any sort of conversation where I have to think about who I used to be. That version of me is long gone, I don’t know how to get me back. I don’t know if I even want to get that version of me back. I don’t know who I want to be anymore.

“Yeah well, I don’t know what’s happened. All I’m trying to do is to get by in my work…”

“Well that’s boring,” she whines. “I want the fun version of you back.”

“You are my PA,” I reply, maybe a little too firmly. “I just need you to help me get my work done. I don’t want to think about anything outside of the office right now, do you understand?”

I expect her to look hurt by my remarks, but she doesn’t. She simply rolls her eyes again and stalks out of my office to her own desk, her heels clicking nosily the entire way. Once she’s gone I slump back in my chair and I pause thoughtfully. Lola has ruined women for me, and I bet she doesn’t even know it. A few weeks with her and I’m turning down a sure thing with a hot young chick. I bet she isn’t turning down men for me.

But then again, I can’t imagine Lola being a one night stand, flings everywhere kind of girl. If she’s found someone, then he’s probably the one for her. Not just her boyfriend now, but her fiancé. Maybe even her husband. She might even have a round belly by now with a baby inside. Maybe she doesn’t even think of me anymore because I’m nothing more than a distant memory.

I am supposed to be someone awesome and I’ve had that stripped from me. Maybe I shouldn’t be missing Franko’s party because of some woman I met a very long time ago, maybe I need a palate cleanser, someone to have a bit of fun with, and maybe Sandi is the perfect girl for that.

I push myself into a standing position with a determined look on my face. The image of a pregnant Lola with her husband by my side makes my head ache more and my heart hurt. I need to get rid of those feelings, they aren’t helping me at all. I can’t keep succumbing to them over and over again. I need to get back to being me, no matter what it takes.

“You know what.?” I say as I pass Sandi’s desk. “I’m headed home now. I’ll get something for my head from the drug store on the way then I can feel better for tonight.”

“You’re coming to Franko’s party?” Her eagerness almost makes me want to laugh. “Oh my God, that will be amazing. We will have such a great time.”

“Yeah, we will.” My voice is thick with promise. She can take that as she likes. “It’ll be a night we won’t forget.”

Then I leave with positivity filling me. Falling in love didn’t work out for me and I don’t think that being the thing becoming a big business man either. Maybe just being the fun loving party boy is all I’m meant to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to make my dad proud, instead I’m just supposed to spend his money having fun and dulling my emotions. That sounds much better to me anyway. Much better than moping and sitting at home alone, looking at my walls, wondering where it all went so wrong. My life isn’t wrong, I am wrong at the moment. But I can be right again.

Tonight, at Franko’s party, I will be reborn as myself. I cannot wait to see where that will take me.

Chapter 17 – Lola

“Okay, Dad?” I ask him cautiously as I help him sit into the chair. “You feeling okay?”

“Yes,” he lies through his teeth as his butt hits the chair hard. “I think so.”

“The specialist had a lot to say, didn’t she?” I ask desperately. I need him to connect with me, I really need to find out how he’s been feeling. I didn’t take on the third job at the local store to pay for his treatment just to not get anywhere with him. I need to know what he’s feeling now. “She had some good advice. Don’t you think?”

“I suppose so.” His head falls backwards and his eyes roll to the back of his head. “It’s just hard to take it all on board when I’m in so much pain.”

“Well she gave me a new prescription for you.” I scramble around in the bottom of my bag, trying to locate the piece of paper. “She said this would help with the pain. Do you want me to go and get it for you? I can head out to the drug store right now.”

He nods and lolls his head to one side. I think he must need some sleep. These days het gets really tired very quickly. Everything seems to take it out of him. As I push myself upwards until I’m standing, I glance down at him with nothing but sympathy in my eyes. He doesn’t deserve this, any of it. It isn’t fair. Over the last year everything has slid rapidly downhill and it makes me sick to think about. I feel like I’m losing my father, the only person I really have in my life, and I hate it. It sucks, it kills me.

As I push my way out into the cold air, I suck in a deep breath of air, trying to clear my lungs. My entire focus for the last twelve months has been my dad and I hate the fact that it doesn’t seem to even lead me anywhere. I just want an answer.

I also can’t believe that I’m here… in the city… the one place in the world I never planned to go. If only the specialist had been anywhere else in the world.

“Hey there, miss,” a gentleman outside a bar cat calls to me in a leering tone of voice. “Fancy coming in for a drink?”

A tight knot of stress coils around in my belly at his words. He makes me feel ill. I know I should just walk by and ignore him, but for some reason I can’t. All the pent up aggression that I’ve been feeling ever since I came to this damn place bursts out of me in an explosion. “Is that what you do? You stand outside a bar and try to lure people in?” I spin to stare at him to really drive my point home with a glare. “Is that working for you? Obviously not because you’re still here. Or maybe you’re like every other man and you just scarper when things get even a little real.”

Shit, I think I might be talking about something completely different now. I don’t want to let any of my real stuff out. I shake my head and I spin just as quickly to stalk away.

“What the hell?” he shouts as I stalk off. “You bitch!”

Urgh, what am I doing here? What the hell have I come to this place for? I’ve managed to avoid the city for most of my life, I don’t see how I’ve managed to end up here now. If it was for anyone else in the world, anyone but my dad, I just wouldn’t be here. Not when I know there’s a minute chance that I might see him.

I’ve spent the last year not thinking about Brandon Heath-Smith at all. Every time he’s cropped up into my mind I’ve done something different to distract myself, but now that I’m here in the same place as him, it isn’t as easy. Knowing my damn luck, I’ll bump into him and a number of floozies just to rub salt in the wound that I’m still living my boring old life in the town, and he’s living it up here. A reminder that he left me because I’m so dull.

I just need to get my ass to the drug store, then back to the motel. That’s it.