Broken

I glance downwards because I don’t want him to see me getting all choked up. I hate that I’m so emotional, I really don’t want him to see me this way.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t know how much I thought it through really, I just wanted to do something nice for you. I didn’t think of the possible after effects.”

“What, while you did something shitty?” I can’t help it, I need to remind him of what he did. “While you ran away?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t supposed to happen, not when I started.”

We stand in silence for a few moments. All the time I try to work out what I should say next. I don’t want him here, I have nothing that I want to say to him anymore, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m ready for him to go yet either. It’s a tug of war inside of me that I don’t know how to deal with.

Then I hear a stirring inside the bedroom, which draws my attention back to my father. He’s waking up now, and he’ll probably need my help.

“Right, well I suppose I better go,” I say regretfully while taking a step backwards. “My dad needs me so I need to get back to him. I guess,” I give him a shrug. “I guess it’s been good seeing you.”

“Yes it has. Do you want to…” I can tell he’s about to ask me to see him again which causes me to panic again. I don’t know if I can heck be going through all of this again, especially when it isn’t going anywhere.

But he doesn’t manage to finish his sentence, which is a blessing, but it’s one in disguise because he’s stopped by my dad swinging the motel room door open to find out what me and Brandon are up to.

“Oh…” Dad cocks his head curiously. “Lola, I thought I heard you out here. Is everything okay?”

Is everything okay? What a loaded question. It leaves me speechless, and also a little breathless. I don’t know what to say.

Chapter 20 – Brandon

Lola looks like her father catching us out here has her speechless. She doesn’t know what to say which is only another thing for me to feel guilty about. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I just keep making a horrible mess of things. I’m supposed to be making things right with Lola, not causing her ever more issues. Somehow, I need to be the one to make this okay, or this tension will go on forever more.

“Mr. Boots,” I say while I take a step forward. I extend my hand for him to shake it. I tremble a little with nerves as I move nearer to him, but only because I’m scared that he’ll hate me. “I don’t know if you remember me, but we have met before. Last year, when you were in the hospital. I was in town as part of a property development project.”

“Oh yes, I remember.”

He grabs my hand and smiles at me. As I stare into his face I realize just how much sicker he looks than when I saw him last. He looks like he’s really struggling which is awful. I feel terrible. Lola has been through so much and I’ve made her feel worse by dumping all my stuff on her. Not only did I leave her in the middle of this last year, but now I’ve shown back up, even if it was an accident, and I’ve confused her all over again.

“Did you want to come in?” Lola’s dad asks as he steps to one side. “It would be nice to catch up. It’s been a very long time since we saw one another, and of course I wasn’t my best then. All hooked up to machines and high on medication. It’d be nice to have a chat.”

I don’t know if it’s wise to go inside, but when he waits for me and indicates towards the chairs near the window, I feel

like I should do so. There isn’t any reasonable excuse I can give that doesn’t make me look like I’m a horrible person. I don’t look at Lola as I obviously betray every single one of her wishes by going in, but I can feel her gaze upon me the whole time. She wants me gone, for which I don’t blame her. But I don’t want to go, not yet. I want to stay to speak with her at some point, to continue saying sorry. Sure I have a party to go to, a night of fun and a girl with a lot of willing to do whatever the hell I want, but I don’t want any of those things. I want to be here, I want to try and make things right. Sandi, Franko, and the others all pale into insignificance. They don’t matter as much as Lola and they never have.

Lola follows behind me as I make my way into the bedroom, I can hear her footsteps. I’m also pretty sure that I can feel her fury burning into the back of my brain, but I don’t look. I don’t want to meet her eyes until she’s calmed down a little. I’m too much of a coward.

“Do you want a drink?” she asks her dad, and I presume me at the same time. Or I hope so because I’m desperate for something to sooth my throat. “We have coffee, it isn’t good stuff, but it’ll do. And I’ll get you a water too, Dad. You need to take your pills.”

We both nod and she moves over to the tiny kettle in the corner of the room. Her eyes fix on the kettle as it boils, almost as if she doesn’t want to see us for a few moments. She needs a break from this shock, intoxicating situation. Not like me, I’m all in. I’ve dived into this head first. Now that I’m embracing this second chance, I’m all for it. Even if all she wants to do is yell at me for now, I’ll take it. Any communication with Lola is better than nothing… I just wish I realized that before. We could’ve saved so much time.

“She worries too much,” her dad tells me with an eye roll. But he grabs his bag of pills and takes out what he needs, proving that her care is needed. “She spends so much time panicking about me that she doesn’t ever worry about herself. The roles are totally reversed with us two. It’s like she’s the parent and I’m the child… it’s always been that way since I got sick. Maybe even since she lost her mother.”

“Oh yeah?” I drag my eyes away from Lola. “She’s a caring person, isn’t she? I learnt that when I spent time with her before.” I don’t know what Lola said about us, so I don’t want to overstep anything. I just need to keep vague for now until I work it out. “You know, when we were friends.”

“Friends, huh?” He narrows his eyes at me as if he’s trying to work out why I’m lying. I flicker my eyes down under the intensity of his gaze. “I thought you were more than that.”

“Is that what she said?” I need to know before I say anything at all. “Lola, I mean?”

“Oh no, she hasn’t ever really said anything. But I could just tell.” He leans in to speak only to me. “You know, when you were around, Lola was much happier, she was like a different person all full of life and excitable… it was lovely to see. But then you left and she was sad, like really sad. She threw herself into her work and that’s how she’s been ever since. She says it’s to afford my treatment, but I don’t think it’s just that. I think she’s just been trying to forget. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this, but if I don’t say it now I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”

I sit back further in my seat as I try to process his words. It seems that we’ve both been miserable since things fell apart. I don’t want Lola to be unhappy, but it means something to me that she’s been affected by us too. It means that maybe there’s still a chance for us, maybe, somewhere deep down. The thought that she’s pregnant and married is long gone at any rate which is good. I didn’t like that image at all, it hurt me deeply. So deep that all I wanted to do was forget. Well, I don’t want to forget anymore.

“Oh right, well it was a shame,” I say coyly. “I didn’t want things to end in the way that they did either. I wish I could go back and change things…”

Unfortunately, we have to stop then because Lola comes back over to us with the drinks clutched between her fingers. Judging by her glowering expression she heard some of the chat, which is just another thing to feel guilty about. It seems that the things I’ve done wrong to her just keep piling up and up. How can I make it up to her when I keep doing more wrong?