Broken

Damn it, it’s like he can see right through me. I think I had that exact thought myself. It would be so easy to cave to what he’s offering, to fall for it and let my dad have the best of the best, but then I’ll be stuck spending a lot of time with Brandon, and much as I’m managing to be strong now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up for an extended period of time. How is anyone supposed to continually resist such a hard pull? It just isn’t possible.

“I don’t know,” I eventually reply cautiously. “I feel like I already owe you enough. You might never have told me, but I know you paid the bill last time, and I’ve constantly felt guilty that I haven’t been able to pay you back.” Well, apart from the times when I wanted to kill him for being so heartless, but this isn’t the time to bring that up. “I don’t know if I want more hanging over my head.”

“I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to pay me back. That was the whole point of that. I can afford it anyway, what’s the point of having all this money if I can’t do any good with it? This is how I want to spend what I’ve earned.”

He extends his hand for me to shake it, sealing the deal, but I don’t at first. I pause, I rack my brain for any logical reason why I shouldn’t do this, but I just can’t find any. None that aren’t se

lfish anyway. If I can’t spend a bit of time with this man who maybe isn’t quite the devil I remember him as, for the sake of my dad, then what sort of daughter am I?

“Fine.” I grab his hand and shake it once. “We’ll do this, but if I want to stop at any time, you have to respect my choice without asking questions.”

“I will.” His face breaks into a big, bright smile. “I can promise you that much.”

Just as I’m about to slide my hand away, he yanks me close to him. I fall against his body and allow him to embrace me for just a second. Electricity bursts through my body and all the old memories of him touching me everywhere and making me feel incredible, float to the surface. I slide my eyes closed and just remember, for only a second.

Who would have thought that this is where tonight would end? Me in Brandon Heath-Smith’s arms.

Honestly, if someone would have told me as much, I would have called them insane. Yet here I am, doing just that.

But soon I have to pull away, before I fully mold into him. This is complicated enough, I don’t want to make it a million times worse by adding my feelings back into the mix. Never again, I can’t let myself get hurt a second time. I’ll never survive it.

Chapter 22 – Brandon

God, it feels good to be doing something positive. It actually feels amazing. I feel more alive than I have been in a very long time. As I watch Lola walk with her father into the room of the doctor I’ve paid for them to see, there’s an intense warmth in my chest that I’ve never experienced before. I love it. I want to grab onto it and have more of it. It’s delicious.

“We’ll be back in a moment,” Lola calls out behind her, with a happiness shining in her eyes. She’s warming to me, which is wonderful. “Thank you, Brandon.”

“No worries,” I reply with a bright smile. “Take as long as you want.”

I sit back in my seat, thinking about how I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. Yes, I could be in the office, sitting behind my desk making important sounding decisions and impressing my father… but is that really what I want? I know now, more than ever before, that it doesn’t make me happy. Okay, so I might not know what does make me happy, but at least I’m one step closer.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

I roll my eyes and grab my cell phone out of my pocket and I make my way outside. I don’t know if answering a call is still taboo in surgeries anymore, but I just don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to wreck anything in here, not when it cost me a fortune to get such a rush appointment with this well renowned doctor.

“Hello?” I answer the moment I step outside. “Sandi, is everything okay?”

“Where are you?” she whines. “It’s hard for me to be your PA when you aren’t here.”

Urgh, she doesn’t care at all. She isn’t exactly hard worker of the century, this is more about her disappointment in me than anything else. I haven’t heard anything directly but the rumors suggest that she’s more than upset that I didn’t go to Franko’s party.

“I told you, I’m out this morning. I’ll be back this afternoon. There’s always plenty of paper work that needs filing. You can’t be that bored, can you?”

I can hear the irritating sound of her long fake nails banging against the desk. “Yes, I suppose so. What am I supposed to tell your father if he comes around?”

Tension coils in my chest, just as it always dies when I think about letting down my father, but it untwists and floats away just as quick, which is unusual. I start to think that maybe I might be letting go off all my self doubt after all this time. Something I never thought would happen.

“Don’t worry about him. Just tell him to call me,” I reply sharply. “If he’s that bothered about where I am he’ll contact me himself.” Despite my bravery, I hope he doesn’t. One step at a time. “Thank you, Sandi, I’ve got to go now okay? I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later. Don’t be too long, okay?”

I want to be long. In fact I don’t want to go back at all. I want to throw that side of my life aside so I can try to figure out where my dreams and my heart really lies. I have the money, I could do it, but there’s something holding me back for a moment. I think I just need to hold my horses for the moment so I don’t do anything wild. Once I figure out what I want to do, then I can start taking steps.

“Yep, sure. Bye.”

Once I hang up the phone I remain where I am for a few moments, rolling back and forth on the balls of my feet while I think. I’m changing, I can feel myself becoming something better, bursting out of my shell. It’s cool. I like it. The last year of my life has been really gray, dull without any color, and now that Lola’s back the color has burst back into my vision. I feel like maybe I can be the man I was back when we spent time together. I want to be that person, that’s the best version of me.

Right, time to get back inside, I think to myself with a smile. Find out how Lola is.