Broken

“I worked it out, Lola. Come on.” Dad laughs at me. “I’m just saying this has nothing to do with that, just go out there and have fun. You deserve it.”

I nod and breathe deeply, feeling even more terrified than before. This is so damn scary, I feel like it’s a night totally loaded with mean

ing and pressure. I wonder if Brandon is feeling it too. I wonder if he’s sat at his house wondering where this night will lead.

I grab my make up bag and start brushing it onto my cheeks, trying to make myself look more beautiful than I have done in a very long time. This reminds me of last year when I used to play about being the cowgirl for Brandon. But this time I’m not playing a game, I’m just being me. A slightly prettier version of me. I lighten my already pale features, and I highlight my blue eyes, then I start on my hair. I grab all my equipment, planning to do something to style my hair but in the end I simply run a brush through it and I leave it hanging loose.

Right. I nod at myself in the mirror. Panic coils like an ice cold snake through my system. Just get through tonight. Just… have fun. It’ll be fine.

I don’t know if I will be, but I have to give myself some sort of pep talk or I’ll never get myself out the door. I’ll never go to see Brandon and find out what it could be between us. Much as I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not, I don’t want to never know. I need closure one way or another. I can’t keep wondering either way.

“Right, Dad. I’m off…” I spin around, ready to say goodbye, but he’s already asleep. I watch him for a moment, unsure whether or not I’m going to be grateful to him once all of this is over. I suppose either way I’m going to get an answer, and that’s what I need. “Okay. Bye.”

As I walk out the door, my heart hammers in my rib cage. He’s supposed to be meeting me outside in about five minutes but I need a moment alone just to calm myself down. I never really had a date with Brandon as such, we just sort of fell together in a really natural way. The chemistry pulled us in, it connected us, it clamped us together and wouldn’t let us go. Now, things can’t be so natural, we have all this history holding us back. If we’re going to do this, if we’re really going to go in, then it needs to be with our eyes wide open.

I bounce up and down on my feet and I swing my arms idly by my side. I want that carefree side to me back, I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.

Come on, Lola. You can do this.

I hear a car in the distance which only heightens all of the terrifying emotions. My eyes scan everywhere and soon I see a black, flash looking vehicle pulling up. It looks silly outside this dirty motel, it really doesn’t fit in, which means it has to be him. I suppose it reminds me of us in a way, he’s much too flash and over the top for me, I’m just a simple country girl, but somehow we made it work once. Maybe we could do so again.

The car pulls to a halt in front of me and I curl my fingers around the hem of my dress as I wait for him to get out. My palms feel sweaty, my heart hammers violently, I feel shaky all over. This is too mush. The door open much too slowly and a leg comes out. One that’s wearing expensive looking trousers. I already know that in my cheap, high street dress that I won’t fit in with him, but I don’t think I mind. I certainly don’t feel self conscious.

Then the rest of him comes out the car and my heart leaps up into my throat. He’s devastatingly handsome, the best looking man that I’ve ever seen in my life, and I really do think that my dad might be right. It does seem that he wants to make things up to me. There’s such a love shining in his eyes that it’s almost irresistible.

“You look nice,” he says as he gets closer to me. “Beautiful actually.” He leans down and kisses me on the cheek which sends butterflies flapping everywhere inside me. “Are you ready to go?”

No, it’s too much, make an excuse, don’t do it! My brain is frantic, almost out of control. It’s screaming at me so loudly that I almost can’t ignore it. I could make an excuse, I could use my father as a way out of this… but is that what I want? Do I want to ignore the churning in my stomach, the warmth in my chest, the feelings that I haven’t ever had before?

“Erm, yes,” I reply, following my heart instead of my head with a desperate hope that it’s the right thing to do. “Let’s go.”

Chapter 24 – Brandon

I can’t stop looking at Lola out the corner of my eye as we whizz along the road towards the restaurant where I’ve managed to get us a last minute booking for tonight. Actually, it isn’t the sort of flashy place I would normally take a date, but that’s because I’m not trying to impress Lola with my money. The sort of girls I take to dinner at stunning, expensive places are the ones I need to impress a bit before I get into bed with them. I want to sleep with them, but that’s it. I am never interested in them the way I am in Lola.

No, tonight I have gone for a nice Italian place with little booths where we can have a private, intimate meal together, just me and her. I’m trying not to have any expectations for tonight, but I do think that it’ll be when we find out either way what’s going to happen between us. I really want things to go a certain way, but I don’t want to pressure Lola.

“So, how’s your dad?” I ask her smilingly. “Is he feeling better?”

“He’s in bed now. Getting some sleep. He’ll be fine until morning.”

I don’t know what she means by that, but it gets me excited. Is she trying to tell me that she’ll be free all night long? Does that mean there’s a possibility of anything happening between us? I haven’t been with anyone for a year because I haven’t wanted to, but now that intense spark is back inside of me and I know that only Lola can quell it.

“Oh well that’s good news,” I rasp back, hardly able to keep my emotions inside. “So you can have fun for as long as you want.”

Lola nods but doesn’t say anything else. She keeps her gaze firmly fixed out the window as we continue moving. I desperately want to ask her what’s going on through that mind of hers, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think that’s appropriate.

“Right,” I say as we pull the car up to a halt right outside the restaurant where I have a table booked. “We’re here now. Are you… are you okay to go in?”

She turns in the chair to face me before we make our move. “Brandon?” she asks quietly. “Can I just ask you something before we go in?”

My heart leaps. I don’t know how to feel about that. What if she asks something that blows all of this apart before we even start our night out? “Erm, yeah sure.”

“What is this?” She cocks her head to one side and examines me closely. “Tonight, I mean? Are we just hanging out as friends or is this a date? I know that might be a bit heavy since it was a night that was thrown upon us by my dad, but the anticipation is killing me. I don’t think I can be myself if I don’t know.”

I purse my lips thoughtfully. I need to answer this delicately so I don’t freak her out at all. “I’ll be honest with you, I would like it to be a date. I would like to think that there’s still a connection between us that can turn into something real and new, but I know that I did you wrong. I can give you all the excuses in the world, but I still treated you badly, so if you want nothing more than to be friends, I understand that.” It breaks my heart to say it, but I’d rather have her in my life in some way rather than not at all. “It’s entirely up to you.”

She nods slowly as she processes this. “Okay,” she drawls. “I see. I think…” She sucks in a deep breath of shaky air. “I think I would like to give us a chance. I think I would like this to be a date. I think we should see… where this might go.”