I dart my eyes over to her, watching her enjoy herself. She looks amazing, why wouldn’t someone else give her affection? I can’t be the only one who knows what a true beauty she is. It’s obvious. Fear circles around and eats me up. All of a sudden, everything feels much less certain than it once did. But I suppose, everyone serving in the armed forces must go through this, I’m not the only person leaving someone behind. It’s just something that I need to come to terms with, isn’t it? It’s part and parcel of it all. there’s no turning back now.
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that you don’t think you and Sandi will work out,” I reply to Liam idly. I kinda need this conversation done now, it isn’t helping me at all. “But I really hope you all manage to find happiness.”
I can hear Liam continue talking to me, but his words aren’t coming through, I can’t hear anything. My brain is shocked, it’s spinning, I’m trying to take all of it in. I don’t want this all to go wrong now. I can’t let it. Somehow, I need to find a way to get over this slump before it eats me up alive. I won’t give up like Liam has. He mustn’t love Sandi as much as I do Veronica, he can’t, or he would give up anything for her.
“I have to go, Liam,” I eventually say while patting him on the arm. “But it’s been really good to see you.”
I storm across the dance floor, and grab hold of Veronica. She gives me a shocked look, but happily melts into the kiss I plant down on her, just going with the flow. I need the reassurance, I feel all uneasy, I just want to hold her for a little bit. The sensation of her lips against mine does fill me with joy and make it a little easier.
“Are you okay?” She gives me a curious look as she pulls back from me. “Is something going on?”
I can see the desperate need from her, she really wants to help me, which isn’t what this moment is supposed to be at all. I feel bad for even bringing her into my internal dilemma. I force a bright smile on my lips.
“I’m okay, I just wanted to let you know that I’m going out for a walk with some of the guys.”
I hate lying, but she’ll panic if I tell her that I need a moment alone, but that truly is what I want right now. I just need to walk, to stare up at the stars, to just gather up my thoughts. I hope she can’t see that.
“Okay, sure. Are you alright if I stay here with Rachel then? So, you know where to find me?”
Thank goodness. Either she can’t see my lie or she’s letting me off the hook. Either way, I get some time away from all the noise of this party. Yes, I wanted to stick around and say goodbye to everyone when I first arrived at this party, but my mood has changed and I’m not in the mood to speak to anyone.
“Of course. I’ll come and find you in a while, okay.” I lean down and give her one last kiss, loving the way my heart skips about ten beats. “You just stay here and have a good time. I won’t be long.”
I walk backwards, not looking behind me as I go. I am concerned that I’ll walk into someone, but I’d much rather fix my eyes on this lovely woman. I adore her. She’s wonderful. I love her. And that’s the problem.
Once the cool night air hits me, my emotions stir up even more. I feel a pinch behind my nose which makes me fear that tears might be coming. There’s no way in hell I can let them lose, that’s just ridiculous, but I have this horrible feeling that I’m going to lose Veronica. I have these terrible images floating through my mind of her finding love with someone else because I’m just not around much. My excitement for my new career is slipping. I’m not scared of the work, I know what I’m letting myself in for, I’m just frightened that I’m going to lose the love of my life. I cannot let all this love and this relationship to be for nothing. It’s been everything to me.
I grip onto a set of railings I find outside the student bar and I gasp desperately. I toss my head back trying to keep my emotions inside, but I can feel them over spilling just a little bit.
“Hey, handsome.” A pair of very familiar arms snake around my back. “I just wanted to check on you.”
I did want to be by myself, but the fact that Veronica is out here with me does feel good. I lean against her, letting her hold me for a little while. I don’t usually rest on her emotionally, but it feels nice.
“I’m okay,” I try my hardest to reassure her, but my voice does crack. “it’s all just a bit much.”
“Don’t worry.” I feel her face nestle into my back. “It’s normal to have a wobble. I’ve had loads. it’s going to be a big life change. We’re going to have to adjust and it won’t be easy, but we love one another enough to get through. You know that, right? As long as we always have each other’s backs then it’ll be fine.”
She’s right. Damn it, I know she is. Why did I let Liam get under my skin? Why did I have to get myself all worked up? Yes, it’s going to be hard, nothing worth anything is easy, but we can do it. We’re strong.
I turn and cup her face in my hands before placing a little kiss on her lips. The love flows between us, strong and powerfully. It makes me feel a bit more secure. “You’re right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m a mess.” I glance towards the doors. “I’m sorry I dragged you away from Rachel, we should go back in.”
“She’s okay, she’s at the bar.” Veronica embraces me hard. “We have a few more moments.”
I lean my head against hers, breathing much deeper. She’s calmed me, she’s cooled my panic down, and I love her even more for that. I don’t think there’s anyone else who could do that for me.
“So, you promise we’ll be okay?” I ask in a small voice. “You aren’t going to leave me as soon as we get out of here? All the other couples seem to be splitting up and I’m scared that we will do.”
“Pfft,” Veronica replies dismissively. “There’s no chance of that. We’re so much stronger than all of them. You seem to forget that we’re very much in love. We’ve known each other much longer than all of the others, and we’re in a solid, grown up relationship. Trust me, by now, we can tackle anything.”
I smile to myself, enjoying the way her words make me feel. If I focus on all of that rather than the negative things we might face in the future then it doesn’t seem so bad. We do have a lot going for us, there is a lot to look forward to, this is a wobble, nothing more. This is just one little moment of fear before the excitement comes again.
We are going to be fine.
11
Veronica
One Year Later…