I turn slowly to watch him leave, wishing I could grab onto him, to beg him to just talk to me, but shouting is all we do anymore. I know he won’t listen, so why start it up again just as it’s going to end? Plus, I really do have to get to work in a moment. Since me and Christopher have to do all our planning at the office, I need to get there today. We have the last-minute arrangements to get through, so I can’t back out now.
At this rate, I’m going to be leaving behind a real mess when I go, but I don’t see what choice I have. I have to do this, I need to, it’s the best thing for me. Maybe it’ll give Jordan the time he needs to calm down and stop this. Perhaps by the time I get back, everything will be different. Better. Hopefully.
***
“So, I think that’s it,” Christopher declares with a smile. “I think we’re all sorted, don’t you?”
It’s such a different atmosphere talking to him, he makes me feel good about my decision to go to Afghanistan. He sees that it’s a wonderful opportunity and he’s glad to be in on it with me. I guess this is the reaction I expected to get from Jordan. It’s good to be able to talk about it without feeling guilty.
“Yep,” I smile back. “Thank goodness. I can’t believe how soon it is now. It’s crazy, huh?”
“Yeah. Right.” Christopher bites down on his bottom lip thoughtfully which causes me to cock my head curiously at him. I can tell this means he has something difficult to say. “Are things better with Jordan?”
It’s so awkward that he had to see that, I feel terrible. I also don’t like the way it makes mine and Jordan’s relationship look. He hasn’t ever gotten to see the good side of us so he probably thinks that it’s like that all the time. I can’t even defend us without making us look even guiltier. It’s better to say very little.
“Yeah, all good, I think.” I shoot him a weak smile. “I’m sure we’ll see when we get out there.”
“You aren’t… worried that it’ll affect things?”
Of course, I am. That’s all I’m worried about. By this point, I can pretty much tell that by going I threaten losing Jordan, but I do feel like he’s being unnecessarily controlling with all of this. I just hope he sees that I’m right.
“I’m not worried about anything, I’m just focusing on the task at hand.” I keep my voice as determined as I can. “You won’t have to be concerned that I’ll be distracted. I’ve got my blinkers on, I’m ready.”
Christopher gives me a firm look, staring at me as if I’ve gone a little bit mad. But thankfully, he doesn’t question it anymore. He must be able to see that I can’t deal with that line of questioning. If I’m going to get through this then I need to just think of work, and work alone. Luckily, I’ve been a workaholic for a long time so I’m in that frame of mind already. I’m good at focusing only on my career.
“Hey, do you fancy going for a drink tonight?” I ask on a whim. “Celebrate that we’re all set to go?”
I’m just avoiding going home, that’s all. I don’t know for sure if Jordan will be there but after this morning I don’t want to risk it. Unfortunately, Christopher shakes his head and informs me that he already has plans, so I guess I don’t have any choice. I’m going to have to suck it up and just face him whether I want to or not. It’ll either be a whole load of yelling or agonizing silence. Neither option I’m looking forward to.
16
Jordan
I wake up uncomfortable and alone yet again as the morning light streams into the living room. I hate sleeping on the couch but me and Veronica are on such bad terms that we cannot share a bed anymore. It’s started to get petty and nasty, so this is just easier for all of us. It’s better than arguing anyway. I haven’t got the mental capacity to continue yelling, it’s making me emotionally exhausted and affecting every single area of my life.
Ironically, I won’t have to worry about sleeping on this couch for much longer because I’ll have the whole damn house to myself. I’ll be pottering around it, trying to keep myself busy, while Veronica is in Afghanistan. Yes, I know that’s what she’s been doing for me, the irony isn’t lost on me, but this is so hard. I didn’t make that choice. I made the choice to join the armed forces, but not to dive head first into war, and even when I did go, it was under the protection of the US army. I didn’t go as a journalist who just thinks that’s she’s safe…
Urgh, when I think about how naïve Veronica is being it makes me ball my fists up with sheer rage. I can’t believe how angry I am. And she’s going anyway, that’s the real kicker, she doesn’t trust my words enough to believe me. As if I haven’t been to Afghanistan, as if I don’t know. That’s not normal as far as I’m concerned. I would trust anything that she told me if I knew she’d been through it. There’s just no respect there at all.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope with it when she’s gone. The only thought keeping me going is the idea that she’ll hate is just as much as I did and she’ll be on the next plane home. It’ll be a costly lesson, but one she needs to see for herself, clearly. At least she won’t be stuck out there for a certain amount of time like I was.
She doesn’t know how lucky she is! I might remind her of that when she shows up on the doorstep.
I push up into a sitting position while trying to rub away the ache in my neck as I do. I flick the remote, bringing the TV to life, breathing out a sigh of relief as it’s a reality TV show, not the news. The last thing I need right now is to see what’s going on in the middle of the war zone. I can’t detach myself from it anyway, but it’ll be even worse knowing the woman that I love is in the middle of it. Mindless droning is preferable to that.
I have my meeting today as well, I need to be on top form for it, I can’t get too lost in my home life drama while I decide where my own career is headed. Not that Veronica gives a hit about my issues. I suppose I haven’t told her about it, but I haven’t had a chance yet. We’ve been so wrapped up in her we’ve had no time. I have a horrible feeling that we might not have time again. Surprisingly, me leaving wasn’t the thing to tear us apart, it’s Veronica. She might well be the one to force us to split purely because of her stubborn attitude.
“Hey.” I slide my eyes closed as I hear Veronica’s quiet voice calling out to me. “Look, Jordan, I know we aren’t really talking much at the moment, but I’m about to leave. I have a flight to catch in a moment.”
“Mmm.” I make a non-committal noise back, not wanting to give too much away. “I know.”
I’m being cold, I know it. I’m acting harshly right before she leaves me to fly into a very dangerous place, but I can’t cave now. I’ve made my feelings all too clear and I really don’t want to back down. I need her to know that I hate this so much it could kill us. I need Veronica to understand just how much she’s risking here.
“Right, I see. Erm, so is there anything you want to talk about before I leave?”
I can’t even bring myself to look at her for fear of falling apart, never mind talk to her. “No,” I shoot back bluntly. I shake my head to highlight my point. “We’ve said everything that we can, haven’t we?”
“Yes, I suppose so.” She’s about to weep, I can hear it in her voice. Guilt crushes me, pushing down hard on my lungs, but still, I can’t turn to look. I hate myself for behaving like this, but it’s the only way. “I guess this is goodbye then.” There’s a long pause while she waits for me to respond. “If I have to get a cab then I need to go soon. This really is about to be the last conversation we’ll have until I get back from Afghanistan.”