I’m torn. On the one hand, I’m shattered, so a nap could do me some good, but on the other, I don’t like being al
one. Having Christopher here has been wonderful, he’s turning into a really awesome friend. I try not to complain about the lack of communication from Jordan too much because I don’t want to be that girl. Plus, it’s awkward because of what he’s seen. However, when it gets too much, he’s a great shoulder to cry on.
In the end, tiredness wins out. “I think I’ll head back to the hotel and catch up on emails.”
“Great, because I think Samuel is driving back anyway so you can catch a ride with him.”
It’s too dangerous for me to travel alone. It is for any of us, but the women especially, so we have to travel like a pack of wolves. We’ve also had to pick a hotel in a remote area so there’s a lot of traveling involved. I'm not looking forward to the long car ride but that parts inevitable anyway, so I nod encouragingly. “Yes, please.”
Christopher gives me a bit of a lingering look before he gathers up his equipment and piles it into the other car. As he does I half wish I was going with him, purely because I feel comfortable around him. He’s familiar, he reminds me of home, and I really need that link of home. I need something to give me that sensation. He isn’t the person I wish I could get that sensation from, but he’s nowhere to be found.
Still, I climb into the other car and I rest my head against the window. The chignon in my hair is so tight it’s pinching my head but I can’t be bothered to take it down. I’m morphing more and more into ‘Ronnie’ every single day. I always knew she was something of a character, but to hear the man I love, the person who knows me better than anyone else, describe me like that, it puts a real damper on things. It makes it hard for me to see myself in the proud way that I used to. I hate to think of it in this way, but it was easier when he wasn’t around. Before he came back home, I was satisfied with the way that things were going. He’s churned all of that up.
Maybe we aren’t meant to be after all. Perhaps we’re clinging to something that isn’t right. Just because we were right for one another once, it doesn’t mean we still are. That sucks and it hurts a lot, but if that’s the way things are going to go anyway then I need to get adjusted to the idea that my love story might be over.
I remember thinking that the ones who gave up on their relationships after college simply couldn’t love one another enough or they wouldn’t ever want to let go… but now I can see that maybe they just had the foresight to see that it wouldn’t work in the real world. Maybe that’s impossible. I just wish I’d seen it sooner.
***
“Huh, nugh?” I murmur as some weird sound blasts from my laptop, waking me up. I wipe the trail of drool from chin before pushing myself into a sitting position. I blink my eyes, trying to rid myself of thoughts of being in Jordan’s arms, while I slide back into reality. “Oh shit.” I suddenly realize it’s my video calling feature.
I open my laptop up and smooth down my hair as I recognize Oliver’s number. This is common, he’s constantly calling me up, but usually, I’m more prepared for it. I never look quite so much like shit. I guess it’s normal for me to take a nap, Oliver can’t exactly be pissed off with me, but I still feel guilty like I’ve been slacking.
“Oh, hi, Oliver.” His pixelated face bursts to life on my screen. I probably look the same to him. All fizzy and weird. Because of the distance and the crappy signal here, his lips don’t meet the sound and his movements leave a trail of pixels behind him for a little while. “How’s it going? Is everything alright in the office?”
“All good, yep. How’s it going, Ronnie? I’ve been trying to get hold of Christopher…”
It does wind me up a bit that he’ll always communicate with Christopher first, especially because I know that he’s a little bit of a sexist pig. But I’m far too tired to bother arguing that point right now, exhaustion still racks through my body. I’d much rather get to the point of this conversation and get rid of Oliver.
“He’s out filming at the moment. Erm.” I squint my eyes thoughtfully, trying to recall. “I think he wanted to redo some of his shots to get them perfect. You know what a perfectionist he is!”
“Yep, of course. That’s why I sent him out there because he’s the best of the best.” I decide to take that as a compliment. Oliver hasn’t exactly said that I’m the best too, but there has to be a reason he’s hired me. There were other options and he decided that I was the one for the job. That has to mean something. “But I wanted to talk to the both of you actually. Maybe even the whole team. Channel eleven has a piece with the Taliban and I want us to have something better. We need to get right in with the other side and get an interview.”
That statement causes coils of ice cold panic to snake through my system. That’s real dangerous stuff. What we’ve been doing so far is bad enough. It’s been hard to witness and there has been an element of dangerous… but the Taliban? That’s the terrorists who want to kill everyone who’s foreign. Is he serious?
“Oh.” I gulp down the golf ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. I want to express all of that sheer terror but I can’t. Oliver won’t take it, he just doesn’t accept weakness. He sent me out here to do things like this, so I have to just get on with it. It is what it is. “Right, I see. Well, I’ll try and see what we can sort out.”
“We need it sooner rather than later, Ronnie,” I warn him. “This needs to be done soon.”
Fuck… it really doesn’t feel like I’ll be able to escape this. I’m utterly terrified which makes no difference because I have to do it anyway. If this is what Oliver wants then so be it. “Right, yes, I see.”
Oliver must be able to sense my anticipation because he rolls his eyes dramatically. “Get Christopher to call me as soon as he gets back because I need to know that he’s on board with this too. This really needs to be done soon because this channel eleven thing is getting a fucking load of press and I don’t like hearing about it. We need to be bigger and better. You need to really get in there and do something to blow my mind.”
I nod slowly, hating the sound of this. I don’t want to admit it even to myself, but I have this horrible little snake inside reminding me that maybe Jordan was right. I’m too stubborn to truly accept it, but it is dangerous here and very hard too. I do wish I was back at home, but this is just the step I need to take to further my career. It’s unfortunately essential. Maybe once I’ve done this scary, horrible job, we can come back home.
All of us need that. We’ve paid our dues, it’s time for us to get back to America. I decide to talk to Christopher about that when he gets back before he speaks to Oliver. I’m sure that request will come better from him.
“Of course.” I plaster the biggest smile I can muster on my face. “I’ll get him to call you right away. I don’t think he’ll be too much longer so sit tight and I’ll get him on the phone as soon as possible.”
Oliver glances down at his watch… well, I presume that’s what he does, it lasts forever on the screen. “Don’t let him forget about the time difference, okay? And I’ll speak to the pair of you shortly.”
As I close my laptop back up I slide my eyes closed in dismay. This is a nightmare that keeps getting worse and worse.
18
Jordan
“The new recruits are doing good, Sir,” my second in command, Michael, commented to me while maintaining his professional stance the entire time. This guy never breaks rank even during break time. It’s admirable really, the people I’ve worked before have been keen to mostly be at ease. I guess that was a whole different scenario though so I can’t really compare the two. “The new regime is working out well, don’t you think?”