Just as an argument is about to break out about this, we hear another noise bursting through and echoing. We all jump in shock. There’s a pause, before I take off without a second thought. This might be the break through I’m searching for, and they can all go to hell if they think I’m going now. I pound hard, my feet hitting the concrete so loud my knees ache, but I keep on going. The noises fade in and out, I barely hear them at all anymore, but I keep on going. I strain my ears as much as I can to pick up the tiny little bits.
“Veronica!” I call out desperately. This has to be her now, it has to be. “Veronica, is that you?”
I see a guy with a bullet hole in his back on the floor, spread eagle. It can’t be him making all those noises he’s been dead for a while. Plus, I can still hear them, coming from the other side of that door…
Once I push that door open I’ll know one way or another, I’ll finally have my answer.
25
Veronica
“Veronica.” I can hear him. It might well be in my head, but I can hear him. It’s wonderful, it fills me with utter glee. I almost maybe crack a smile under the sheer weight of her words. “Veronica, where are you?”
I want to scream and shout, I want to yell back to get my answer out to him, even if it isn’t real, but my throat is too dry. My body hurts all over, and I’m too weak and sick to stand upright. I just have to lie here and dream about him. Maybe all of this is a dream, even the gun shots I heard before. It’s all just a fantasy that my brain has conducted to help me get through the last minutes of my life. I haven’t forgotten that today is death day.
I hear a gurgling sound from the other side of the door, it sounds like someone’s wind pipe is being strangulated, or maybe filling with blood. It’s a horrible, sickening sound which makes me feel even worse, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m stuck right here. Even if it’s the guy who’s kicked and attacked me, I don’t want to hear his death. It’s a noise that will hurt me forever. Although forever shouldn’t be too long, I suppose.
I don’t know how long it lasts, but soon he stops making any sound at all. Then there’s an odd silence for a while. Or maybe it isn’t silent, my brain is blocking out the sound, but I enjoy it. It’s peace. I’m at peace again. I slide my eyes closed and I just allow that to swallow me up for just a moment. I think of all the wonderful things I’ve experienced in my much too short life just to give me some nice images to face death with…
But then the door swings open. It slams hard and snaps my eyes back open again. I can’t help it. Much as I want to lay back and let death come for me with my eyes closed, my survival instinct has kicked in. I can’t do anything to defend myself, but that doesn’t seem to register in my brain. I need to see who it is.
“Oh my God, Vernonia.” Oh, I see. I must have passed out. I must still be asleep because the shadow in the door frame looks just like Jordan. This is my fantasy come to life, this is everything I’ve been dreaming about but I knew could never happen. Finally, I’ve snapped and lost the damn plot. But I don’t mind. I love it. I would much rather be crazy and seeing the man I love rather than here alone. “Oh my God I’ve found you.”
The image I’ve invented of him rushes over to my side. He touches me and I can almost feel the velvety touch of his skin. Wow, I really have lost it. I’ve lost it bad that my hallucinations are real. It’s utterly amazing.
“Are you o
kay? Do you need anything?” His words are falling out of his mouth so quickly they’re tripping over one another. “Oh God, you look really hurt. You look injured. What did they do to you? I hate this.”
“I… I…” I can’t get any words out. Dream Jordan pulls out a bottle of water and he tucks his hand gently underneath my head. He lifts it up just enough for him to tip a dribble of water into my body. Enough to hydrate me without actually making me feel like I’m drowning. Once he slides the bottle away, I can talk just a little bit. Enough to get out the words I’ve been so desperately wanting to say. “I love you, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
A tight knot releases in my chest. I didn’t even realize it was there until now. I know this might not be real, but I’ve managed to say the words I didn’t want to die holding onto. It feels good, I now feel like I can die feeling much freer. I’ve apologized, I’ve told him that I love him, and now it’s okay. It can be over. I can go.
“I love you too.” I feel his lips brushing against my cheek. It feels so good that my heart starts beating again. “And you don’t ever have to say sorry to me, Veronica, I’m the one who should be sorry. I’ve done you so wrong.” A wetness covers my face. I don’t know if it comes from me or him. “I won’t upset you again.”
I tilt my head back as he scoops me up into his arms. His touch feels so loving and soft that it almost feels real. I could almost fall for it if I didn’t have the knowledge that if anyone has hold of me it’s one of those monsters who’s taking me to my death. Or maybe I’m already dead and this is heaven. It sure as hell feels that way if I’m back with Jordan. This is more of an afterlife than I ever could have hoped for. It’s everything I want.
“Don’t go to sleep,” Jordan murmurs breathily to me. “Don’t pass out. We need to check that you’re okay. You can’t pass out, that’s dangerous. It puts you at risk. I just need you to be okay. Please, keep your eyes open.”
I don’t know why my subconscious feels like it needs to make Jordan say this. Who the hell cares if I fall asleep or not? What does it matter? I’m tired anyway and this is the first time I’ve been comfortable enough to actually get some decent rest. I fall into the darkness that wants to claim me, and I do so happy with the closest thing to a smile on my face that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. As I sleep, I dream. I dream about the old days, about the future I could have had if this hadn’t happened. And it’s glorious. It’s amazing. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and more, it’s bright, colourful, truly happy. After living in darkness for far too long, the colors are almost overwhelming. I feel a little giggle bubbling up inside my throat.
I’m actually happy. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but for now, it all feels good.
***
My body hurts all over, just like it has done for ages now, but as I twist over to get into a better position, there’s a cushion underneath me. For a moment there, I almost forgot that I was dead. I’m in heaven now, and hopefully, if I reach across I’ll be able to hold onto Jordan. I don’t open my eyes as I do, I simply feel around, and soon I find his warm flesh which brings a smile to my face. I haven’t lost him yet.
“Are you okay?” I hear his soft voice whisper to me. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? We aren’t too far away.” I want to ask where we’re going, but I don’t. “It shouldn’t be long now. You’re going to be alright.”
I love the reassurance of those words, they feel really nice, so I soak them in. Things can’t get worse now, I’ve been to hell and back, so I suppose there really is only one way and it’s up. Even if I’m dead.
I try to prize my eyes open to see him, but it’s really hard to do so. The light is just too bright and white. I suppose that’ll happen since I’ve been locked away in a dark place for ages. Well, days probably. It doesn’t matter though. I can remember Jordan well enough to breathe him in, to smell him, to feel him all around me…
I jolt awake again, but I’m still unable to open my eyes. A small groan flies out of my mouth, one that isn’t really linked to anything but must cause a panic reaction within me. That manifests itself in Jordan holding onto my tightly and pressing a palm against my forehead as if he wants to check that I’m okay.
“Are you awake?” he gasps. “Do you need anything? I’m worried about you now…”
“Nughugh,” I gurgle back, settling down for more sleep. I need to rest for days. The exhaustion is strong within me, I can’t help succumbing to it, and to be honest the pain hurts less when I’m asleep. It’s easier to manage, it doesn’t affect me quite so deeply, so I get myself as settled and I try to fall back into a slumber.