31
Veronica
“Thank you for coming to visit, to help me with all of this, Rachel.” I grab my friend’s arm gratefully. “I honestly appreciate it so much. I wouldn’t be able to do this alone. I need your advice on the dress.”
“What about your mom?” She cocks her head curiously at me. “Wouldn’t she want to be here for this?”
I sigh deeply, knowing that my friend is right. “I agree, and I did suggest it, but when she was here earlier on in the month it was a nightmare. I love the woman, but she drove me up the wall. It’s lucky we don’t speak all the time because she didn’t even know about my trauma in Afghanistan, so when she found out she lost it.”
There was a whole lot of crying, wailing, promises never to let me out of her sight again… I appreciate it. I think it’ll probably repair our slightly fractured relationship, but I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I don’t want to cry over what happened, I don’t want to talk about it, to remember it, I would much rather move forwards, to continue on with my life. It’s in the past now. At least it is for me. I just want to look forwards.
“Well, she must be really freaked out about it.” Rachel’s cheeks stain red. “We all were. I know that I was really upset when I read about it on the Internet. It must have been a horrible thing to go through.”
I don’t get the impression that Rachel wants to force me to talk, I don’t even feel like she needs to know all the nitty gritty details, she’s just leaving the door open in case I want to speak. No chance of that today.
“Yeah, well, I never thought I would be here about to buy a wedding dress, but here I am.”
I push the door open and step into the store, inhaling the sweet scent of the store. I might not be mad keen to have the biggest wedding in the world, but I would like a nice dress. This will be my special day after all. I want to look nice for it. I’ve spent a lot of my recent life looking like crap, there are images of me coming back to America with another girl for all the world to see. For once, I just want to look my best.
“Good morning, Miss Best,” the sales girl who I spoke to on the phone, Sara, smiles at me. “It’s good to see you. I have a glass of champagne for you then we can go through into the dressing room to pick out some styles.”
I take the glass from her, but the smell of it brings a churning sensation to my stomach, which I assume must be the nerves. As soon as I get the chance, I put it down and discard it on the side. Rachel can have it. Then I wait. A whole selection of dresses is handed my way. Fishtail designs, sweetheart necklines, sleek elegant fitted dresses, and poofy numbers. I have no idea which design is going to suit me, so I’ll go through them all.
It feels like a whirlwind; the dresses are put on and torn off me too
fast. I don’t feel like I have enough time to examine them all. Rachel gives me the occasional thumbs up, but more often than that she shakes her head. None of these dresses feel right to me. I don’t really feel right in myself. I’m a little dizzy, I feel overwhelmed. All of a sudden, this feels like it might be a bit much for me. Not the wedding, I’m very certain about wanting to marry Jordan, but the dress shopping. The need for perfection is almost too much. I need a time out.
“Rachel, come with me to get some air,” I gush out. “I just need a little moment.”
Rachel takes my hand and guides me outside. As the cool air washes over me, I try to suck in some deep breaths but I don’t feel calm. I feel sick, really ill, like I might actually throw up.
“Are you okay?” Rachel rubs my back. “You don’t look well, Veronica. Are you sick?”
“I don’t know.” I clutch onto my chest. “I don’t feel so good at the moment. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Do you want me to rearrange your appointment? I’ll go and speak to Sara?”
“Yes, please.” No chance in hell of me going back in there now. “Thank you.”
As she goes, my brain spins back as I try to work out how I’ve gotten sick. It must have happened at some point. I’ve been so well since I left the hospital, but maybe my immune system is low.
“Right, that’s all sorted.” Rachel returns to my side with a bright smile on her face. “You left your champagne as well. You aren’t pregnant, are you? That’s not why you’re sick, is it?”
“No, I…” At first, I think she’s joking, that it’s ridiculous, but the more I let her words sink in the more I realize she might be right. Since I’ve been back a lot of time has been spent in the bedroom and I suppose we haven’t always been careful. There have been times where we’ve just got caught up in the heat. “I don’t know.”
I give Rachel a desperate look, needing her to help me right now. This is unexpected, not where I thought today was headed. Her eyes are wide, bugging out of her head, but she must realize I need her.
“Okay, well let’s go to a drug store to get a test. There’s no way we can know for sure until you’ve done that, is there?” She links her arm through mine. “No point in worrying just yet.”
The thing is I don’t know if I’m worried or excited. It’s a shock, but this might be a good thing. Me and Jordan want to start a family, it’s always been a part of our plans. Why not now? There are worse things… I guess that’s the main thing at the moment, the one driving force in my brain. There are always ways things can be worse. I’ve experienced worse, I’ve been into the pit of hell and back, so nothing feels like an issue anymore.
“Okay yeah. We’ll get a test, then I can know for sure. Let’s go right now.”
***
I stare at the white stick in my hand with confusion, hoping that I’ve done it right.
“Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?” I ask Rachel who stands on the other side of the toilet door.