“It did say DEA on the envelope… but I don’t know what happened to that, and WY… that’s you, right? You’re the guy in charge of the investigation. It could be a clue. Someone you… maybe you know?”
I cannot be someone I know, of that I’m certain. If this finally comes to an end and I find out that it’s someone in my life I will murder them. This has been consuming me, wrecking me. I can’t go on to learnt that I’ve missed stuff. It will kill me and probably my career as well. I don’t know if I could be forgiven for that.
“It isn’t someone I know, you fucking idiot,” I growl angrily. “If it’s anything for me, then it means that Kingpin has been acting under our noses and we haven’t done anything about it yet. Or so he knows.”
My head falls into my hands, distress gets the better of me, I did not want to walk into this today. After such an awesome night last night, I was feeling all good about life, but now I feel like shit again.
How can I keep juggling things? If I’d been there last night rather than on my date, none of this would have happened. No mistake of this magnitude would happen under my watch. I want to fucking scream. I can hear my cell phone dinging away in my pocket, and I’m sure it’s Cici, but I can’t look at it right now. I totally can’t think about her while this is all swimming violently around me. I need to be fully focused.
“Will?” Andre knocks on the door to my office and he peers his head around. “I have something to tell you.”
I wave my hand to invite him in. “It can’t be anything worse than these assholes, so yeah, fire away.”
“It’s actually to do with Jones and Simons.” Ah, I see Andre has bothered to learn their names. “The stash they pulled in from last night wasn’t actually drugs. It was just a white powder that looks suspiciously like it.”
My heart explodes. I pretty much feel like my chest has split open in temper. “Are you fucking kidding me? Are you actually insane? It isn’t even real? Did you not even take sniffer dogs with you?” Maybe that isn’t fair. They wouldn’t take a dog on a general stake out, but still I’m too fucking mad for that. “You idiots!”
“We… it was… We didn’t mean to…” There aren’t any more excuses, we all know that. I wave my hand and send them away, already forgetting about their names all over again. They’re so fucking useless. I don’t want to work with them again. I don’t even want to see their faces again. I just want this done.
“Andre, this is a fucking nightmare. Am I right? And have you seen this dumb ass note?”
I push it across the table to him and watch as his expression stiffens. “Well, this is a bit shit…” After a brief and thoughtful pause, he continues. “But I wouldn’t read too much into it. I wouldn’t assume that it’s anything personal against you. Your name is well known and associated with the DEA. Anyone in the drugs world will know you.” He shrugs in a blasé manner. “It’s just a little wind up. It’s under all of our noses.”
For some reason, even though I’ve already told myself that it won’t be someone I know
, that idea sits uncomfortably with me. Yes, I’m in charge of this particular investigation, but I don’t think that’s common knowledge. Surely, it would be better to target the bug boss guy. And is Andre being too calm about this? What if he’s using his police knowledge and the evidence room to keep things going? He’s a smart guy, I’m sure any of us could work the system if we wanted to, and he does have a much bigger home than me…
No, I stop myself rapidly. Stop it already. This is totally insane. It isn’t Andre at all!
“Yeah, I suppose it is.” I pace the room while I tap my chin thoughtfully. “I can’t sit around here all day long. I need to do some explorations, I need to try and see what I can find. I’m going to chase up some cold leads. If this is ‘under our noses’ then maybe that means we’ve missed something obvious. I’m going to check it out.”
Andre knows that if I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, then I can’t be controlled. I have to just get out. I haven’t ever been great at sitting behind a desk either. I’m much better being still when I’m on a stake out. Right now, I need to be anywhere but here. The obsession is building, it’s growing in my chest, I need to explore it.
“Okay, buddy. You give me a call if you come across anything, alright? And I’ll see what we can do this end. If we find anything in all the… evidence that the boys brought in, then I’ll let you know.”
Maybe I shouldn’t be left alone, but everyone knows that’s just how I work sometimes. I’ll be fine anyway, I always am. I’ve survived this long with just one small scar on my cheek. I can keep on going.
***
My eyes ache because I’ve been driving for so long. I’ve been everywhere. Anywhere that’s ever arisen suspicion within us. Even the places that we gave up on ages ago because whatever activity was going on there has subsided, but I haven’t gotten anything. This Kingpin asshole is smart. Drug dealers aren’t usually this clever. Even the Cartel aren’t that great. They just have a lot of power so they don’t need brain smarts. These guys, Kingpin and the people working with him because he isn’t doing it alone, are clever. We know everyone in this town, at least in some way, and we cannot figure it out. It isn’t normal, why can’t we figure it out?
Who are they? I rattle the steering wheel in anger. Who the fuck are they?
My phone dings again and this time I yank it out to look at it. Cici has been sending me cute little flirty texts all day long, and while I’ve been responding my heart hasn’t fully been in it. All of this has knocked my self confidence and I don’t know how I can juggle it all. How the hell am I supposed to navigate the new world of commitment when I can’t even solve this? I’m not freaking magic. I cannot do it all, it’s impossible.
I don’t even bother to read the text this time, I hit the dial button to call her and flip the phone onto speaker phone mode before resting it on the passenger’s seat of the car. It’s time for me to put an end to this, I need to tell Cici face to face, or over the phone, that I can’t commit to anything right now. She hasn’t asked me to or anything, but I can feel the conversation brewing and I want to be the one in control of that.
“Yeah, yeah, sure, that’s great…” I hear Cici say in the distance. “Hello?” Now she’s speaking to me. “Will?”
“Hi, Cici, I just…” Urgh, why the fuck are the words just vanishing? “I wanted to talk to you…”
“Yeah sure.” She murmurs to someone else again, proving to me that she’s a bit too distracted to have this conversation over the phone. I might have to say it directly to her which isn’t going to be easy. It’s challenging enough to say these words while I speak to her, never mind to her face. “Sorry, bad time. It’s been parent teacher meetings tonight which has been crazy. I’m sure you can imagine.” Her little laugh cuts right to me. I can feel it fluttering in my heart which is annoying. I don’t want to like her this much. “How’s it going with you?”
“Oh, you know.” I rub my head hard leaving only one hand on the steering wheel. “Same as always.” The strain balls up in my shoulders, I feel a little sick to my stomach. This really isn’t a great time to have this chat. I’m going to have to cave. “Do you maybe want to come over to mine tonight? For dinner?”
As she speaks, I can hear her voice lighting up. Damn it, why does she have to like me? It makes it so much harder for me to switch my own feelings off. “Oh sure, that would be wonderful. What time?”
I glance at the clock on the dashboard. Unless I want to spend the night time digging through shit holes I suppose I might as well give up now. “Yeah, any time. I’m going home now, so whenever you want.”