“Are you sure you don’t want a drink? I got you a water but the beer here is passable.”
My tummy curdles, causing me to shake my head. “No, water is good thank you.”
Michelle rests her hand on top of mine and she gives me a sympathetic look. I brace myself, straightening my spine while I wait for the dreaded lecture. But somehow, it doesn’t quite come. “You’ll be fine, you do know that, don’t you? I know it seems hard now, but you’ll get over it and bounce back. You’ve always been through worse. That’s what I always tell myself anyway, just to remind myself that I’m a strong and confident woman.”
I smile through the tears that threaten to fall. “Yeah, I know I will. I just haven’t opened up to anyone for a long time, and it was a bit of a shock, that’s all. I should’ve known that it was coming, but I was blind.”
Michelle rolls her eyes dramatically. “Oh, tell me about it. All my degrees and smarts go out the window as soon as I see a pretty face, it’s hard to resist. But a pretty face doesn’t sustain forever. Hopefully, you’ll get to see karma when it comes back to bite him. There’s nothing worse in the world.”
Right now, I’m not in the right frame of mind to thick about revenge, I’m still in the place where all I want in the world is to have him in my arms again. But there’s no way I can admit that to Michelle, not when I’m pathetic enough. Instead, I lean in and I joke around with her about all the things that karma might bring when I finally comes around. I’m not necessarily thinking about Will when I talk, it’s all just games, but surprisingly it helps.
***
I clutch the toilet bowl with shaking hands, gasping desperately as I try to get enough air into my lungs. I feel green, my stomach is churning, I can barely see straight, and my head is pounding. This sucks! I hate getting sick. It started a few weeks ago and it’s continually gotten worse ever since. The vomit starts in the morning and it continues on and off throughout the day. Then there’s the dizziness and the constant ache all over. I hate it.
I stagger upright and I stagger towards the medicine cabinet, needing something to make all of this go away. I don’t know what pills I have, it’s been a while since I last got ill, but I’ve got to have something. Even some aspirin would do right about now. I slam the door open and scrabble around, dropping the useless boxes on the ground to pick up when I’m feeling much better. Right now, I can barely deal at all.
What the…? All of a sudden, I grab onto something different, an unexpected shape. I pull it free, trying to focus my eyes as I work out what I have. Is it a temperature stick or something? That might be handy right now to see how ill I truly am. Oh… a pregnancy test! I remember when Michelle first brought this. She got a packet of about six after an online date which ended in a night of passion… passion without protection. She came here to do the tests because she didn’t want to be alone when she got the results and I guess she left one behind. She did a fair few just to confirm that it was really negative, but clearly one got neglected.
I clutch onto it, wondering why I can’t just put it down to search for something useful. It can’t be this, there’s no way this can be what my issue is. Just because I had sex without protection on more than on occasion. But that was just a mistake, an accident because I thought that I was falling for him and I got caught up in the heat of the moment, I didn’t want to end up with a baby in my belly… but shit, what if there is?
I clutch onto my belly, resisting the urge to puke again. Maybe I should just do the test to put the idea out of my mind. I’m sure it won’t be positive but it’ll always be a small, niggling doubt if I don’t. I should just get it out the way now, then I can continue on with healing myself. I need to get myself better.
“Urgh, idiot.” I shake my head as I walk over to the toilet. “This isn’t supposed to be me.”
I’m not supposed to b
e the girl with the broken heart and the pregnancy test, that’s never been what I’m like. Michelle was definitely right about one thing, Will Yoker gave me a mushy brain. It’s ridiculous.
As I pee on the stick, my heart races against my chest. I keep thinking about other things, trying to play it off in my mind so I won’t end up in a tight knot of panic, but it’s challenging to concentrate on anything else. Will and this potential baby is all of me. It’s coiling through my body like a nasty snake.
Once it’s done, I click the cap on and I wait. I pace the tiny bathroom, walking up and down as if I’m on some conference call discussing international business. It’s just one minute, not long at all. Sixty seconds to wait before I find out if my life is about to change forever. Just a little bit of time before I get my answer.
For a moment, I try to imagine what life with a baby would be like. It’s nothing I’ve ever considered before. Maybe in a very distant way, something to consider for the future, but never now. I’m not old enough to be a mother. Obviously, I am, biologically speaking, and I know how to deal with kids because I’m around them all the time, but I don’t know if I’m ready to have a whole human relying only on me for life. That’s a responsibility that makes me incredibly nervous. It’s horrible. I don’t know if I have what it takes to do it.
Okay, I tell myself nervously as I stare at the stick which sits on the back of the toilet. That’s been about a minute. Time to find out. Time to see the negative sign and move on with things.
My hand shakes as I reach out to touch it, anxiety bursts and explodes in my chest. I’m not ready for this answer, I almost want to walk away until I feel more emotionally equipped to cope, but as far as this is concerned I don’t think that minute will come. I’m sure I’ll always be unprepared. It’s much better to rip it of like it’s a band aid. I need to get the answer quick to work out what I’m going to do next…
Just look, I beg my brain. Pick it up and look already. What’s the worst that can happen?
Okay, no I need to scrap that. Since there’s only two outcomes here, it’s a fifty fifty chance that it will be the worst option. Instead, I wrap my fingers around it and I pull it towards me, peeking through a crack in my eyes.
Shit. There it is. The dreaded sign that I didn’t want to see, the one that I have no idea what to do with. The cross. It’s positive.
Chapter Fourteen – Will
What a fucking bullshit day, I think as I trudge up the stairs to my apartment. Urgh, never again.
I’m getting sick of Kingpin now, him and his games. I can’t work out if he’s getting more elaborate with his ploys or if we’re reading into things that aren’t really there. I teeter between the two, never quite settling on one choice or the other. It depends on my mood really, and of course what’s been happening that day. If he’s been nipping at my heels and focusing on me, then I’ll be more inclined to think he’s a clever fucker.
“Hello.” My eyes snap up a I hear a raspy female voice at the top of my stairs. “Will, can I speak to you?”
Immediately I panic. I’ve been pulling away, severing our contact completely, and I thought that Cici had the message. She seemed to since I haven’t had any calls or texts for a while. I’ve missed her like crazy, there’s a part of me that’s so fucking grateful to see her again, but the biggest bit of me is afraid. Truly scared.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I snap at her, probably a bit too angrily. “I didn’t tell you to come.”
She recoils as if I’ve physically hurt her, which makes me feel like shit about myself. So do the red rings around her eyes. Has she been crying? Maybe something’s happened already, perhaps I haven’t been as clever as I thought. If that’s the case then I need to know right away. I have to find out everything.