I let Robyn drag me up until we reach the other group of people then I sway my hips in time to the music. I feel uncomfortable, especially when everyone else looks so carefree, but I stick to it. Luckily, I have some alcohol floating through my system – not too much because I do have to be in the office tomorrow morning to catch up on some work – so I can get over my inhibitions and have some fun. I can dance and enjoy my birthday like a normal person would.
Men dance around us, some of them try to infiltrate our group as we dance, but none of the girls let them for which I’m really glad. I’m having enough of a nightmare dealing with Evan and Grant, the two men currently in my life, I don’t need any more. None of them are attractive enough to catch my eye anyway, not when I’ve spent a whole week with someone who is basically an Adonis.
No, I can’t think about him… I need to concentrate on having fun.
I listen only to the music, forgetting about the world as much as I can, and eventually I sort of manage to have some fun. It isn’t like me at all, but that’s the good thing about this night. I’m stepping out of my shell and doing something completely different. This is what people do, isn’t it? This what all the people who work normal jobs do… they enjoy themselves as much as possible.
“Thank you for this,” I eventually lean in and say to Robyn. “This is the best birthday ever.”
She grips onto my hand and smiles at me. My heart explodes with love for this woman as she does. I’m so lucky to have her, I’m so glad that she’s stuck around for me when no one else has. “I’m glad you’re having a good time. You deserve to have a nice birthday.”
I part my lips, ready to thank her and to say something about her being the best friend ever, but before I get the chance to do so, Jon comes back and he circles his arms around Robyn’s waist, holding her close to him and my chest aches painfully. I am so happy for Robyn, she deserves to find someone nice, but she just reminds me that I still have absolutely no one. I don’t have anyone wanting to hold me, wanting to hug me, wanting to love me.
I’m lonely, I think sadly to myself as I look away. I am really lonely. This suck and the worst part is I want to do something about it, but I just don’t have the time.
Chapter Seven – Evan
“Goodnight, my big handsome boy,” I say to Liam as I rub his dark hair gently between my finger tips. “I’m glad I got to see you off to sleep tonight.”
“Yeah, I usually miss you at bed time, Daddy. It’s nice to have you here.”
I stare down at my son with love in my heart. I know that I’m lucky to have a selection of some wonderful nannies to help me with raising him, and they’re doing a really good job of it, but I wish it could be me. I wish I could find the time and the space to be the one to raise him but I can’t… and that’s because looking at him hurts me as much as it makes me happy.
Actually, no, that isn’t what I wish at all. I wish that his mother, Victoria was still alive and everything was as it’s supposed to be. I shouldn’t be a single father, she shouldn’t have been taken from me just after my son was born, but unfortunately that’s exactly what happened.
When I first met Victoria, it was very much just a sexual thing. We didn’t have much in common aside from an explosive physical chemistry so that’s all it became. Every few days we would meet for a hook up and then we would go our separate ways. That is until she fell pregnant…
At first, we had no idea what to do. We had to give it a go because it was the right thing to do for our unborn child. It wasn’t always easy but we made it work. There were arguments and hard times but we had a reason to stay together and because of that we stuck it out.
Then Liam was born and everything felt perfect. I proposed to Victoria in the hospital bedroom and we started planning our wedding right away. It was going to be the event of the year, we were both so excited for it. The wedding that would ultimately take everything from me…
My mom and dad took Victoria out to pick out her wedding dress on the day that the accident happened. I was so excited all day long, I loved having baby Liam all to myself for a while, and I knew how thrilled Victoria was. It didn’t even register in my brain that they had taken a long time, I just thought they were having a good time in the city center. It wasn’t until the cops came to the door with the hideous life changing information that a drunk driver caused a pile up on the freeway that crushed the car with three of the most important people in my life inside. I lost everything and I changed that day too. I became hard on the outside, I turned off my emotions, and I became the man I am now.
Now, every time I look at my boy, I see my wife. I see my parents. I see all the people that are missing from my life and it kills me. Maybe that’s why I spend so much time at the office. I want to create a bigger and better life for Liam, I want him to have it all, but I also don’t want him to see the pain in my eyes every time we share a glance. He doesn’t remember his mom at all, which is good and sad all at once, and I don’t want him to see how much I think of her all the time when I see him. He
just looks so much like her, it kills me.
“I’m sorry, Liam,” I say while kissing him on the head. “I will try and be home more often. It’s just crazy at work at the moment. You know how it is.”
Of course, he doesn’t know how it is, he’s only almost six years old. I shouldn’t have said that, but sometimes I’m a little awkward around him. Especially when I feel guilty which right now is my biggest emotion. I feel horrible for being so absent.
“Good, because then I can tell you all about my stuff at school. I’ve been learning all about space and the moon and I have lots to talk about. I know all the planets, there’s Mars and Jupiter. There’s also Neptune, and… and…”
His face lights up as he talks and I can see how excited he is to have me around. It makes me feel terrible that I’ve been spending so much time at the office recently, I know I should be back here in time for bed every single night. None of the nannies ever suggest that I will be because they know I can’t always promise that I will, especially when a late night conference calls crop up, but I’m now going to make a promise to myself that I will try more often. I won’t tell Liam, I’ll just start doing it. He’s already lost his mom, he doesn’t need to lose me as well.
“That sounds great, you do have to go to sleep right now but you can tell me all about it in the morning. Does that sound good? I’ll wait for breakfast and we can talk about it then.”
“Okay, Daddy, goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Son.” I kiss him on the head again. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he murmurs sleepily. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I step back and switch off the light but I don’t leave his bedroom right away. I prop myself up against the door frame and watch as he slides his eyes closed and he drifts into a deep sleep which I hope brings happy dreams along with it. I don’t want him to know the horror of real life, especially when he has already been through so much himself already. Even if he doesn’t realize it yet, it’ll hit him soon that he has no mother or grandparents. I’m dreading the day when he asks me all about it. Every single mother’s day, I brace myself for the questions, but so far they haven’t yet come.
After a while I give up staring at my adorable little boy and I make my way down the stairs where I will spend a long evening alone dealing with work stuff. Mostly, the things that Katy has given me to look at. There’s a whole lot of restructuring plans that I need to lay out for her by Monday, and I don’t want to fuck it up. She might think that I’m a bit of an arrogant asshole with her because there’s a lot that I just can’t negotiate, but I do take this seriously. I do need this to work.
As I hit the bottom step, I make my way towards the kitchen and I grab a tumbler from the cupboard. I won’t drink much alcohol because I’m home alone with Liam, but I do need just one to steady my nerves., I remember way back when, I used to spend my Friday nights out in seedy night clubs, dancing away, hitting on the hottest chick in the bar, then it would usually be on to an after party where things would get really crazy…I never would have expected my weekends to end up like this. Me at home with my baby boy, wondering if I’m allowed to feel just a little bit lonely.