But before I can really communicate any of that effectively, the doctors swiftly moves from the room and Katy is gone too. It’s just me and Liam left, waiting for the biggest moment of his life so far. I turn to see his fragile little body lying in the bed, with a prayer filling my heart.
“You’re going to be okay,” I tell him softly. “Katy is going to look after you, okay? We’re going to have to say a big thank you to her once all of this is over. She’s been amazing.”
This time as tears fall down my face, they’re filled with utter hope. This might not be as bad as before, we might have a chance this time. I just need to keep on hoping and wishing…
***
I don’t know how much time passes, it could be one hour, it could be twenty, my brain is all over the place while I wait for the results. Two people who hold the utmost importance in my heart are both in surgery and I have absolutely no control over what’s happening. I’m standing out in the hospital hallway feeling utterly useless. I hate it, I want to be doing something to help, I wish they would even let me watch so I feel more involved in what’s going on, but instead I’m stuck out here with no one to talk to and no information whatsoever. I feel like I might explode.
Every single time a doctor walks past me, my heart leaps up into my throat, then sinks when I notice that they aren’t here for me. They must all be able to see it, the way my shoulders hunch up around my ears, then come crashing back down when they don’t want me at all. But I suppose they’re used to this. Frantic family members are what they deal with all day and night long.
I move over to the water machine and grab a tepid glass of liquid in one of those horrible, tiny plastic cups. I don’t even want it really, but I need something to hold in my hands, I need something to do. Plus, I suppose my mouth and throat is dry with terror, so it’ll only help…
“Mr. Debroils?” As a grave voice calls out to me I almost leap into the air in shock. Trust it to be the one second that I’m not looking for a doctor, one comes to find me. “Can you come with me?”
I can glean anything from his voice, or his facial expression which scares me. I don’t know if he’d give me more of a clue if it was bad news or if he wouldn’t want me to break down in front of all these people. Either way my hand shakes so much that the water I’ve just poured into the cup spills over the side and slashes to the ground. The doctor sees this, but does nothing about it.
“Yes,” I whisper while staring at my shoes. “Where are we going?”
She doesn’t give me an answer, she simply turns on her heels and walks off. I follow her in a direction I don’t recognize. It’s a part of the hospital that I don’t think I’ve ever been in before. That freaks me out even more. What if there’s a specific room that’s set up to give bad news in? One with padded walls and tissue boxes everywhere so people call fall apart in private? What if that’s where I’m headed right now? I don’t think I’ll be able to come back from this, this will kill me…
“Your son is in here.” As soon as Liam is mentioned I feel all strange again. I got so wrapped up in the idea that I needed to expect the worst that I almost forgot this could be good news. “He’s coming around now, the transfusion was a success. It might take him a whole to come back around fully, but right now his prospects are good. I would expect a full recovery very soon…”
“He’s okay?” I gush in shock as emotions bulldoze through me. “He’s actually alright? The transfusion worked?” I can’t seem to rap my head around the good news, it’s almost all too much.
“He’s okay.” She pushes the door open. “You can go and see him for yourself right now, but like I said he might seem a bit woozy for a while so don’t expect too much from him…”
I don’t even wait for her to finish talking to me, I push past her and race into the room. Liam looks so much better already, he’s no longer hooked up to millions of machines and he’s much less pale. It’s as if the new blood in his body has caused his pinky color to return. As I take the chair next to him and I grab his tiny hand, relief washes over me as he’s much warmer to the touch now. He feels so much more alive which is incredible. I’m overwhelmed by the idea that my baby is alright.
“Oh my goodness, Liam,” I tell him, my voice thick with emotion. “You have no idea how worried you had me. No idea at all. I’m so glad that you’re okay. It’s just…” I sob a couple of times. “It’s amazing. I’m so lucky.” I notice his eye lids flutter which silences me for just a second, but soon I find some more words that need to be said. “I love you, Liam, so damn much.”
“Dad?” he whispers, but I can tell by the rasp in his voice that every word hurts.
“I’m here, son, don’t you worry.” I clutch his hand to my chest feeling a swell of love as I do. “I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere. You’re doing so much better now. The doctor says that you’re going to be just fine.”
“N… N…” he struggles to get the next word out, so I lean closer to him, offering him my ear so I can hear him better. The last thing I want to do is make him strain himself. “Nanc…”
“Oh, Nancy!” It hits me what he’s trying to say. Of course, he’s worried about Nancy. She was in the car with him when it happened. “Nancy is actually fine, thanks to the air bag. She had some minor injuries, but she went home to rest a few hours ago. She’s going to be just fine. Katy is here though.” I see a flicker or recognition in his eyes which means he at least remembers Katy. “She helped you to get better, so we’ll have to check on her soon. See if she’s okay.”
As I hold my baby close to me, I am utterly grateful to her for the gift that she’s given me. She’s helped my son and given me a second chance with him. This time, I will not screw it up if it’s the last thing I do.
Chapter Twenty Four – Katy
A grogginess overcomes me as I wake from the deepest sleep that I’ve ever had in my life, I don’t feel like I’ve rested well at all. Maybe I’ve slept for too long, maybe that’s what the problem is. Or maybe I’ve overslept and now I’m going to be late for work…
My heart thunders, ice cold lightening bolts of terror dart through my system, I really can’t be late for work, I hate getting behind. Plus, it’s a really important time at work at the moment. I can’t remember what it is exactly, but I know I’m going through a hump, a busy patch, and once it’s over I’ll finally get my life back and I’ll be able to start doing things again. Then again, I always think that. What is this busy patch? What is so important about it? Why can’t I remember? And most importantly of all, why can I not wake up? I know that I need to, so what’s wrong with me?
I try to prize my eyes open with more effort that I ever remember it taking before, but I don’t quite get there. I open them a slither, but the light is so white and bright that I can’t go the whole way. I must just need a few moments to collect myself before I do. It’s just a shame that it feels like I have a thick fog in there, clouding up every single one of my thoughts.
Right, I need to remember, I decide with a sheer force of determination. That’s the most important thing. Once I remember, I can start piecing the rest of the jigsaw together…
So, the first thing I think of it work, because that’s always the first thing that I think of, but this time I don’t feel like it’s surrounding me, filling up my lungs, and drowning me. I feel like it’s in the distance. Like, I can reach out and touch it if I want to, but I don’t have to. Somehow, without even meaning to, I’ve done the one thing that I’ve never been able to do before and I’ve created some distance between me and work. I have to admit, it feels kinda good. I like to have some distance from that place, it helps me to feel more like me again. That’s someone I haven’t been for a very long time.
Okay, so thinking of work isn’t helping, so there must be something else… a meeting, someone I’m working with, someone important… I rack my brain desperately, but the only image I can concoct is one of me facing a group of men in suits sitting at a long table. That’s every day stuff for me, there isn’t anything special about it. It does feel different though, but I can’t work out why.
Maybe Robyn then? Maybe she holds the key. I recall chatting to her on the phone, but we had a conversation where she didn’t sound disappointed in her. It’s almost like there was a time in our recent friendship where I didn’t let her down… something that I didn’t think would ever happen!
One sentence that she said to me really sticks out in my mind: “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. Is that what’s brought about this change? If so, then my God I’m happy and I cannot wait to meet this guy.” I can remember it clear as day, as if she’s speaking it to me now but I don’t know what it means. What change? And what guy? The only guy that I’ve taken a liking to in as long as I can remember is Guy and it certainly can’t be him. Robyn would never want me to end up with another lawyer, she would kill me for even thinking about it. Another workaholic wouldn’t do me any good…