I wrinkled my nose. “Don’t say lover,” I said. “It’s so gross and seventies.”
Rebecca laughed. “Okay. Would-be suitor, then. Who is he?”
I swallowed hard and sat up straight. I’d never been a good liar, especially to Rebecca. I really hoped she’d buy my story.
“His name is Dan,” I said. “He’s the only guy in my class.”
“Oh, really,” Rebecca said. “Hey, I think I know him! Dark hair, always wears those sunglasses?”
I nodded. “Yep. That’s him.”
“He’s cute, he looks like a nice guy,” Rebecca said. “Wait – how do you know he’s older?”
I flushed brightly. “Um, I guessed,” I said. “He just seems to mature.”
To my immense relief, Rebecca nodded. “Yeah, you’re right,” she said. “So, you gonna do it?”
“Do what?”
“Ask him out,” Rebecca said. “God, Molly! You’re so dense sometimes.”
“I don’t know,” I said. My heart was pounding quickly just thinking about it…and I didn’t even like Dan in that way!
“Oh, come on – what do you have to lose?”
I sighed. “I guess you’re right. I’ll think about it.”
Rebecca grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Don’t think about it – just do it,” she said. “Oh, Mol! I’m so proud of you!”
I blushed. “Thanks, I think.”
Rebecca nodded. “Trust me, this is good!” She raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you’ll get a boyfriend!”
I bit my lip. I hope so , I thought. But when I closed my eyes, it was still Alex’s face in my mind.
Chapter Two
Molly
The next day, I took more care than usual with my appearance. Instead of my usual plus-size jeans and flowy peasant top, I put on a cute sundress with sandals. Rebecca showed me how to do a cat-eye with liquid liner, and after the fifth or sixth try, I actually got it to work. With a quick coat of mascara and some lip gloss, I felt like I actually looked cute for once.
I’ve always been fat. I don’t know what it is – Mom never had junk food lying around, and I never had problems with hiding candy. But a bad metabolism runs in my family. It was manageable when I was younger, but at twenty-two and two hundred and ninety pounds, I felt like a whale. It was easily the number one reason why I’d never tried to date. I saw other big girls in relationships, seemingly happy ones. But I could never work up the confidence – I knew that being rejected would absolutely shatter me and what was left of my self-esteem.
Unlike me, Rebecca was slender and slim. Yet she never tried dating either, she was too shy. In our senior year of college, she got drunk at a party and had sex with a guy in her anthropology class. She said it didn’t live up to the hype – that it felt “okay” but not amazing, and that he was too selfish to help her orgasm after she finished. She slept with him a few more times, but broke it off before he ever asked her out on a real date. The whole experience didn’t exactly fill me with anticipation, even if I was obviously jealous of Rebecca’s foray into sexual awakening.
After getting dressed, I had a light breakfast of cottage cheese and a hardboiled egg, then packed my lunch and set off towards campus. I had butterflies in my stomach about Dan, even though I knew it was stupid. I didn’t even like him – why was I so afraid of being rejected? It was completely dumb.
It’s because I’m dumb, I lamented as I climbed onto the shuttle bus that took me the short distance from the apartment I shared with Rebecca to the university where we studied library science. It’s because I’m a dumb fat girl and I won’t ever know what it feels like to fall in love .
The bus was late, and I had to run, breaking into a sweat and ruining my hair as I darted into the building. Class had already begun and I slid into a seat at the front, determined not to look at Dan.
The minutes dragged by. By the time class was over, I was shaking and sweating with my own fear. Finally, the professor called things to a close and gave us all our assignments for the next class. Swallowing hard, I stood up and waited awkwardly by the door.
“Hi, Molly,” Dan said. He smiled at me. “Are you okay?”
“Um, yeah,” I said, shifting my weight from one foot to the other and biting my lip. “I was wondering if you’d want to get coffee sometime.”
Dan laughed. It sounded nervous to me. “I don’t drink coffee,” he said.