We changed it because of me and the first time I saw Kade again. I know it and so do the other girls. But they’re tiptoeing around me as if they’re frightened of sending me back to bed. They don’t need to be, I won’t go back to that place. However challenging it is, I will keep passing forward.
“I miss the drinks though,” I attempt a joke. “Bottled water isn’t quite the same.”
Cindy and Rhiannon stare at each other before bursting into laughter. It’s so false it hurts. It actually makes me feel sick to think that they can be this way with me. I’m their friend, still the same person. Sort of.
“Girls, come on.” I grow tired of it. I have to address them. “I’m okay now, we can talk like normal people, I’m not going to fall apart. I know it’s been a rough patch for me, but I really am okay. I would just prefer it if you started treating me like myself again. All this being kind is weird. I don’t like it.”
They both pause, looking guilty, which isn’t what I wanted at all. I smile, trying to let them see that what I said was the truth – even if it was a crock of shit – and thankfully, they seem to decide to go with it.
“We should go to the movies,” I say on impulse, wanting to make up for the lie I once told to go and hang out with the boy who would ultimately destroy me. Maybe I can pretend that this is still that night and I blew him off so none of this happened. “My treat. I’ll even get you both some popcorn.”
“I’m not going to say no to that!” Rhiannon replies excitedly. “Let’s get this done then go.”
We get back to work, each of us happy in our own way. My way might be false, but at least it isn’t nothing. Right now, I have to take all the victories that I can and this will do as one. I might not have full control of my life again, but it’s a start. Slowly but surely, I’m erasing Kade Roberts.
15
Kade
The last two weeks have been the hardest of my life. Not only have I been forced to cut myself off from everyone in my life while my father works out how to make my life not go down the toilet, I’ve also had to live in the most uncomfortable atmosphere of my whole entire life. My father can’t look me in the eyes and my mother doesn’t seem to know who I am anymore. I can tell that she barely recognizes me… and to be honest, I don’t recognize myself. Yes, I’ve always been a fun loving guy who wants to play around, but I haven’t always put it before everything else. Now, I don’t know how I’ve let things get so damn bad.
I think spending time with Lucie, and realizing who I could have been has only made me see that more. We could’ve really been something, but now we’ll never get to know. I messed it up, I made sure that we couldn’t become anything before we even hooked up. It’s almost as if I knew. At this rate, I won’t ever be allowed out of this damn house again. I’m not grounded exactly, I’m too old for that, but I can’t go out either.
“Kade!” Dad barks, breaking the silence in a shocking moment. It’s been like a ghost house for far too long, three strangers passing through this damn mansion without exchanging a word. “My office now.”
I guess my fate has been decided at long last. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. On the one hand, it’s better than being in this horrible limbo where the atmosphere is terrible, but on the other, what comes next might be even worse. There isn’t any way of truly knowing what way it’s going to go.
I slink out of my room with my shoulders hunched over and my head hanging low. I used to stand proud, I used to be happy with myself and my life, I thought I was the king of the world and that I had everything waiting for me. In reality, I have less than all those people I mocked in college. They still get to be there.
“Mom?” She’s perched on the edge of Dad’s desk, refusing to look me in the eye. For some reason, this alone makes me fear the next step more than anything else. “What’s going on here?”
In the flickering of the candle that’s been lit for some reason, she looks stressed. Her body language is even more hunched over than mine. I’ve stressed her out even more than I have done myself. Just one more thing to feel terrible about. The list keeps growing and growing endlessly.
“This isn’t really to do with your mother, Son. This is between me and you. She’s just here to… well, you’ll see.” He indicates for me to take a seat which I don’t. My limbs wouldn’t move even if I wanted them to, they are utterly encased in ice. “Okay, so as you know I have been doing some thinking about your future. Now that you’ve messed things up at college, I know for a fact that no self respecting school will take you on, and as far as I’m concerned I don’t want you going to one of those places where partying is a way of life. If education comes second then you will bunk off. You have done more than enough of that.”
“I won’t screw up again,” I try my hardest to promise him. “I’ve learnt my lesson, I won’t make the…”
Dad holds up his hands to stop me from talking, which of course I immediately do, he just has this way of controlling the world around him. I suppose it must kill him that I’ve gone off the rails somewhat.
“I’m very sorry, Kade, but your apologies don’t mean anything anymore. I cannot trust a single word that comes out of your mouth.” His snapping makes me flinch, that feels a bit harsh even with the situation that we found ourselves in. It’s almost as if he hates me which upsets me a lot. “So, college is out of the question, as is taking over the family company. At least, for the time being it is. I don’t want our legacy to leave the family, I still want it to be a part of our name forever. Our ancestors didn’t work so hard for nothing. So, to prove to me that you can do this I have arranged for you to spend the next five years working in each department. You will travel to our designers in India, our manufacturers in China, our other stores across Europe and Japan, plus you will spend some time in other states. You will work hard and learn to ropes from the bottom up. I think that once you have an understanding of how every aspect of the business works, you will understand the importance of it and you’ll be able to run it in a coherent way.”
I search deep inside me to work out how I feel about that. I guess I always assumed that my life would have some travel in it at some point, but I didn’t think it would be like that. But maybe it would be a good thing, at least it would give me a chance to prove myself in a very real way. I always could be worse…
When I think about all the things that could have happened, I can’t be disappointed. He’s been more than fair to me considering the selfish way in which I’ve behaved for far too long.
“Okay,” I rasp as I nod. “Yes. I’ll do it, Dad, and I won’t let you down. I promise.”
“I have people watching you carefully in every single place over the next five years,” he warns in a serious, grave tone of voice. “There won’t be any time for you to screw about. You do understand that, don’t you? Any sign that you don’t want to grow up and I shall revise my plan completely. Much as I want to keep the business in the family, I also don’t want you to come along and run it into the ground. That isn’t fair on anyone.”
I deserved that, just like I deserve all of this. I really have been a fuck up and now I need to do some growing. Much as I could look upon this as a negative thing, I refuse to. The maturing starts right here.
“Son,” Mom finally joins in the conversation, proving why she’s here. I guess to defend Dad if I start kicking off. “We just want you to be capable when the time comes, and this is for the best…”
“No, I get it. I agree with you.” I force a smile onto my face, not that I think it’s a very believable one. “I do need to be able to work hard so I don’t screw this up. I’ll do it and I won’t let you down.”
“Good.” Dad commands the conversation again. “Because I want you to get packed up ready to go. The car will be here in half an hour to take you to London. That’s where you’re going to begin, to work in the store to see how it runs. The manager, William, will meet you from the airport and show you around.” He rests his hand on my shoulder
and gives me an intense look. “It’s time to prove that you have some bollocks, and that you can take whatever life throws at you. Please, Son, make me proud.”