Just For You

“I did,” he replies bashfully. “And I went to see Buckingham Palace because I thought you would like it. I have some photographs to show you, if you would like? They’re in my bedroom but we can escape…”

Oh my God, an offer to go to his room alone. There’s still a part of me that wants to go, even though I know it will only end in trouble. I guess I still can’t quite let the fantasy go, however hard I try.

“Oh, maybe in a bit.” I try to blow him off gently. “I have to go and find my mom in a bit…”

This is the moment, I could bring up Logan right now and it would be pretty seamless too, but I don’t. Something stops me, it’s as if I have cork in my mouth, stopping anything from spilling out. I hate keeping such a huge part of my life from the guy who was once my very best friend, especially when it involves him directly, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t make myself tell the truth. I want to, I really do…

“Yeah okay, sure.” He shakes his head as a redness tinges his cheeks. I’ve accidently embarrassed him which upsets me a lot. I didn’t mean to do that! “Of course, later. This is a party after all.” The strangled laugh that he lets out only makes me feel even worse. “And it’s in my honor so I should be here. It was wrong of me to ask you, I wasn’t trying to…” His words trail off, he doesn’t know what to say. “So, what do you do?”

Urgh, that’s even worse. That’s a dreaded question that I really cannot answer. I purse my lips together thoughtfully as I attempt to work out the best way to word this. I’m going to have to say something…

“No, wait, let me guess.” I nod, only because it gives me more time to think. “You are a teacher?” I shake my head no. “A writer? A journalist? A blogger?” No, no, no. I wanted to be some of those things, I might still want to be some of those things but I can’t right now. “Okay, so you own a store? You publish books? You run poetry slams for angsty teens who need somewhere to vent? Oh, come on,” he laughs. “You’ve got to give me something here. It’s something that uses your college education, right? I know you, Lucie Smith, and you are the one person who will put her bad ass education to good use, no matter what…”

“No.” I need to put a stop to this before my real answer angers him. I still have no idea how he’s going to react, he’s being all nice now but that could flip over in a heart beat. “I don’t do anything with my qualification, actually, my life took a bit of a different path.” I suck in a deep, calming breath to prepare myself…

“Mommy!” All of a sudden, Logan rushes over and he jumps up into my arms, answering my question for me. I hold my darling son close to my chest, inhaling his scent for comfort as I peer over him to see Kade and his stunned reaction. He’s gone a funny shade of pale… “Mommy, I just had some chocolate.”

“Oh, you did, did you?” I see Kade open and close his mouth a couple of times, he’s shocked, so I need to focus on Logan while I give him a couple of moments to process all of this. It’s okay, it took me some time to process this all too. “And who gave you that? Was it Nanny because if so, she’s in trouble…?”

Logan laughs and shows me his chocolate stained teeth. “No, it was Mrs. Roberts.”

I dare another peek at Kade, I want to know if he’s put two and two together yet. To me, it’s acutely obvious, it’s like looking at two of the same face, but I can’t work out if he’s clocked or not. He’s blank, there isn’t anything there behind his gaze, it’s almost as if he’s switched off completely. I’m going to need some kind of reaction from him soon or I’ll start to seriously worry about him. This doesn’t seem normal.

“I… I have to go,” Kade eventually rasps, barely finding his voice. “I need to get another drink.” He gulps noisily. “And to help Mom with some stuff. You… you enjoy the party and I might catch up with you later.”

With that, he vanishes, abandoning me again. Logan scared him, and I don’t know if that’s because he figured out the truth or not, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. He’s gone, he didn’t even ask me any questions or want to know why. He knows I have a child, he’s aware that we had sex, and he’s vanished. I was right not to tell him, all the guilt and worry that I’ve felt over the years is gone. I made the right choice.

“Is everything alright?” Mom asks me, while resting her hand on my shoulder. “What happened?”

“I didn’t even get to tell him,” I whisper to her so Logan doesn’t pick anything up. “He just ran without even waiting to find out.” Angry tears prick my eyes. “I don’t think he has grown up after all.”

Mom embraces me and Logan, hugging us in all the love that we need. We’ve come this far without him, we can keep on moving forward. I don’t need him, nor does Logan. We have each other and we have my family. Now that I’ve seen what Kade’s reaction will be, I don’t see any point in rocking the boat.

“I don’t want to say too much longer,” I tell Mom. “We’ll just keep it a bit longer to be polite, but then I want to go.”

In a way, Kade’s reaction has freed me. I’ve waited for him for far too long, even without knowing it. But no more. Now I’m going to live my life for me and my son.

21

Kade

She’s married, I think sadly to myself as I race away before I embarrass myself. I’ve waited for her for all this time and she’s married with a kid. An older kid as well, one that must have come along not too long after me. I’m too emotional to work out exact dates right now, but she mustn’t have been out of college for long.

Tears prick my eyes as I move through the crowds, I feel heart broken, hurt, and angry too. I’m annoyed at myself for letting one little one night stand affect me in such a way. That was so foolish of me, I can’t believe it. I’m not that sort of person, I never have been. I let Lucie under my skin and I’ll never do it again.

I need to go back to my old ways, that’s the only way that this won’t kill me. If I go back to being the me who screws around without letting feelings get involved, then I’ll be fine. I never got hurt back then which just proves that it was the right way to live. I need to fuck Lucie right out of my system, starting with tonight. Screw being good for my parents’ sake, I’m going to get drunk and find someone to take back to my room. And certainly not to look at photographs of my travels abroad, but to actually have a good time.

I narrow my eyes and look them round the room, trying to find whoever it is that I’m looking for, but before anyone can capture my eye, a hard hand clamps down on my shoulder, making me jump.

“Oh, Dad,” I gasp, clutching my hand to my chest in sheer shock. “You scared me then.”

“You looked like you were doing some intense thinking there, Son. What’s going on?”

I consider making up some excuse, but I really don’t want to. I want to know more about what’s going on here, to figure out how much I’ve missed out on and the best way to do that is to just ask. Me and my dad are much closer these days anyway, so I’m sure that he’ll be very honest with me if I do.

“I just saw Lucie,” I reply quietly, trying to cover up my shame as I do. “And she has a kid with her. I didn’t know that she had a kid.” Dad doesn’t say anything, so I feel compelled to continue. “Is she married? Who’s the child’s father? Is it someone that I know?” I pray to God that it isn’t, I really don’t think that I’ll be able to hack it. Particularly if it’s someone from college, because that means I got it all wrong.

“No one know,” he tells me with a one shouldered shrug. “She just turned up with a baby and the father is a mystery. As far as I’m aware even her own parents don’t know who the dad is. I guess it’s just one of those things.” His words leave me numb, I really don’t know how to feel about any of this. “Maybe it’s some asshole who doesn’t want to know. We’ve all just grown accustomed to her as a single mom.”