A single mom. As I think about that concept my insides don’t feel quite so messy. I guess it wasn’t so much the child that scared the living day lights out of me as it was the idea that she had someone, I can’t help myself, there’s no way to stop myself from still wanting her, and now I realize that I’m free to do that. Well, sort of.
If I take Lucie on I will also have to take on her child. Is that something that I can do? I know that I’m more responsible, but am I that responsible? He doesn’t seem like a terrible child, for the two seconds that I saw him, and I already know that I might be willing to try for the woman I’m pretty sure that I’m in love with. Still. Maybe if we took things slowly, one step at a time, it wouldn’t be so bad. No one is asking me to be an instant father, that’s my own paranoia speaking out, nothing that’s real. For Lucie, would it be so bad?
Maybe that’s why she was so hesitant to spend some time alone with me, because she thought that I would freak out at the sight of a kid. Unfortunately for me, that’s exactly what I did. I immediately panicked and I ran. It probably reminded her of how I vanished just after we slept together. I’m an idiot.
If she’s a single mom, so not dating anyone, and I’m back and responsible now, then I think we can try. I don’t see any point in keeping away from her because I’m scared. She will always be this regret if I don’t go for it, she will always be a ‘what if’. I am only going to love once, so if I try and it doesn’t work out, then so be it. I won’t die, she’ll survive, and we can go our separate ways safe in the knowledge that we have to be apart. I don’t like thinking about what we could have been when we haven’t given it a shot.
“So, there hasn’t ever been a man around?” I confirm with my dad. “No father at all.”
“Lucie has stayed living with her parents, probably for help so she doesn’t have to raise that child completely by herself, and I honestly have not ever seen a man in her life. She’s giving it her all, focusing everything that she has on that boy.” He nods thoughtfully as he speaks. “She’s a good girl, that one. Whichever scum bag rat left her alone should be God damn ashamed of himself, don’t you think?”
I do think, I can’t believe anyone would do that to someone as wonderful as Lucie, but I’m glad too because it gives me a chance to be with her. I won’t say that aloud, for fear of sounding like an asshole to my dad, but I definitely think it. This mystery guy isn’t good enough for her anyway, he doesn’t deserve her, but maybe I can… I would like to think that I’m finally in a position where I can anyway.
“I might try and find her again,” I say in as innocent a tone as I can manage. “Talk to her about it.”
“You do that, Son,” Dad says smilingly. “I think that’s a very good idea.”
Then, he gives me a look which suggests that he can see right down into my soul and he notices my real intentions. If he can see that I love Lucie and that I want to be with her even if she does have a child, then he seems to like my train of thought. I know that he likes Lucie and I’m sure he doesn’t want to see her alone forever. He’s even prepared to have my possible raise a kid that belongs to some scum bag… maybe, I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, this is supposed to be a one step at a time kind of thing.
I leave Dad and I search through the house for Lucie but I can’t seem to find her. I begin to fear that my horrible reaction has scared her off and that she’s left already because of me. I freaked out, I didn’t expect to see her life progress in such a way, but I don’t want her to hate me for my shock. That would suck.
Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe this is that dreaded fate trying to tell me once more that I shouldn’t be pursuing Lucie. It keeps trying to push this message on me and I continually ignore it, but maybe that’s the wrong thing to do. Maybe it’s time to accept that it isn’t meant to be. Urgh, but I don’t want to hear that, I don’t want to believe it, I want to know that I can be with Lucie because she’s everything…
Then I see her. Just as the true panic is about to set in, I spot her talking to her son and she looks like a beaming light is shining upon her. She’s got this glow, a beautiful glittery thing surrounding her that draws me in every single time. Screw fate, this is where I want to be, this is who I want to be with. It’s a good job that she is still here because I was about to book it over to her house to find her, to make her mine.
As a mother, Lucie is even more gorgeous. It’s a strange thing really, a situation I never thought she would be in, especially not at this age, but it suits her. She’s a natural mother, she has a real maternal side to her. I stuff my hands in her pockets and I watch her for a little while longer before I go to speak to her.
For a moment, I imagine me and Lucie married with our own child. I see us living in a house together and being a real happy family. It’s a nice picture, one that I would love to make true if I can. It’s not as scary as I would think. At twenty five years old, I want what Brad has, I want to finally be whole.
I finally take a step closer to her with a giant smile on my face. Lucie seems to sense me and she flicks her gaze up to look at me and I can immediately see the fear in her eyes. She really does think that I’m an idiot for reacting so badly. I curse myself inside for not handling the shock any better.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her immediately. “I’m sorry for freaking out. It was just a bit of a shock.”
“Oh right.” She pushes herself into a standing position to face me. “Don’t worry, it was a shock when I found out as well.” She smiles and ruffles Logan’s hair. “But I’m used to it now.”
“You’ve done it alone, haven’t you?” She nods yes as a reply. “That’s very brave of you, I’m su
re it must be hard.” I don’t really know what I’m talking about, I haven’t been around kids. “You must be proud.”
For a brief second, she knots her eyebrows together, looking confused, but then her expression flattens out once more. “Oh well, I’ve had help from Mom and Dad, so it’s okay. It hasn’t been too hard.”
As if on cue, her mom then joins us. She gives me a bit of a strange look but I suppose that’s because she hasn’t seen me for a very long time. I probably look a lot different to what she remembers.
“Hey, Kade,” she says warmly. “I’ve just come to take little Logan here to bed. You must be tired, right?”
Logan’s face screws up and he looks like he’s about to scream with sheer horror. “No, I’m not!”
“Oh, but I think you are, champ. The party is about to end anyway.”
“Mommy, are you coming home?” Logan tugs at her dress. “To put me to bed?”
I suck in a breath and wait for her to panic as I wait for her to answer. She slowly shakes her head as she gives me a little look. It seems that we aren’t quite done here yet, which is good. I still have lots to say.
“No, Nanny will get you into bed, but I will be back soon. I promise you.”
I watch her say a sweet goodbye to her child, realizing all over again how much of a wonderful person that she is. I really do want that sweetness in my life, I love her more with each passing second. She has to be mine.
22