In reality, it never got easier. I still wasn’t used to Dex constantly bolting from my life and now, with his hurtful words, I was completely beside myself. Part of me wanted Natalie to stay, part of me really wanted that comfort and love that she provided but I knew if I was going to deal with all of this in my head that I would need to be alone. I was used to working issues out alone, especially with being so shy and not having very many friends. Instead, I learned how to focus my energy and work out my problems on my own. This time though, I knew there would be a lot of questions and even more tears than normal. This wasn’t just some issue with the bills or my mother, this involved my heart as well as my head.
I smiled and walked them to the door, giving them both a big hug before they left. As soon as the door was shut, I could feel the pain surge back into my chest. The silence of the house was deafening and I wished that my son was up to distract me from my pain. I turned and flipped all the lights off since my mother was already in bed. I tiptoed down the hall and to my room, shut the door, and laid my head down on my pillow. Immediately, tears began to flood my eyes again, the reality of the situation hitting me like a ton of bricks. After five years of secrecy, I finally told Dex the truth. I thought if this day ever came I would feel relieved but that wasn’t the case at all. Instead of getting this secret off my shoulders, I expelled it from my chest, leaving a dark empty hole where it had sat for so long.
My thoughts immediately shot back to five years ago when I was sitting next to that cute, charming man. I was carefree, happy, and didn’t think for a moment that things would turn out this way. I would never take it back, I loved Seth so much, but how had everything gotten so screwed up? It was one of the most pleasurable and erotic experiences of my life. It was my first time, something I couldn’t push out of my mind no matter how hard I tried. In reality, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to remember the father of my son as a hurtful angry man, even though it would make him a lot easier for me to hate. But hate wasn’t in me, no matter how much I wanted it to be. As I laid there, I felt like I’d turned everything in a huge mess. The situation was already so screwed up, had I just made it even worse?
When we went to the pumpkin patch, I thought I reserved my feelings but after seeing Dex with Seth and the love we made that night, I flipped myself back into the realm of feelings. I couldn’t even begin to explain the emotions going through me as I watched him freak out in my kitchen and run off. My mother tried to console me, telling me I was reading too much into it, but I wasn’t blind and neither was Dex. He sped off to South America, completely freaked out by what he knew to be true. He didn’t come back to spend Thanksgiving with us, he came back to settle his thoughts and find out the truth. Well, he got the truth but from his response, he was definitely not ready for it.
I turned over in bed at the sound of my door creaking. I wiped my eyes quickly and sniffled loudly. Through the dark crack in the door, Seth wobbled in, sleepy eyed and rubbing his face. I sat up in bed and picked him up, laying him down next to me. He had bad dreams sometimes and would always come into my room to snuggle next to me. It was one of my favorite parts of the day. Though I hated when he had bad dreams, I knew his need for me wouldn’t last forever. I sat there, staring at his dirty blonde hair and scrunched nose as he drifted back to sleep in the safety of his mother’s arms. He was the only thing in my entire world that mattered and I had almost forgotten that. There were no angry words, no bitter stories, and no terrible fights that could take that fact away.
I would never see Dex again, just to keep Seth safe and happy. It may not feel good to think about but I had to take a stand, a stand that would protect my dear child forever.
Chapter 15: Dex
The white leather of the jet’s seats squeaked under my clasped hand. I stared down at my laptop as I went over numbers for my upcoming meeting. I was on the way back to Caracaras to finish up the contracts for our new resort site. The trip could not have come at a better time. My mind had been in a whirlwind since the pumpkin patch, so I hadn’t gotten a lot of work done. I needed to focus, I worked so hard to get the company back on the map and now that we were right there, I couldn’t afford to have any distractions. I typed some figures into the system and checked myself for errors, realizing I couldn’t even figure out remedial math anymore. My head was too full.
I sighed and pulled my hands over my head, watching the clouds pass by the windows. I was so cruel to Casey. I hadn’t even stopped to think before I spoke. My father would be rolling over in his grave if he knew the kind of reaction I gave her. Standing out in front of her apartment, trying to soak in the understanding that I was a father while looking at Casey’s strong-willed face was too much for me. She spent this whole time lying to everyone about Seth and who his father was, including me. I still hadn’t talked to my sister, though she called me several times. I could feel the anxiety swelling in my stomach just thinking about the fact that I was actually someone’s father. And not just anyone, a sweet, caring, and extremely smart little boy.
Casey was trying so hard to protect her son from a nasty battle, from the cruelty of the world, and from me. She didn’t have enough faith in me to tell me the truth. In a way, I couldn’t blame her. I had never shown her that I would be interested in becoming a father. I ran around her flashing my charming smile and talking about all the things she feared the most for her son. I had been so cruel to her on those steps in Brooklyn. I spewed hateful words at her like it was nothing. I knew she had no interest in my money or my company and I believed her wholeheartedly that she was a virgin when we met. There was no denying Seth was my child and though I said all those horrible things to her, I didn’t believe a word of it, not even for a second. I deserved that slap in the face and probably more. I didn’t blame her a bit for reacting the way that she did. I deserved to be kicked right in the ass for being such a bastard to her.
The stewardess approached with my normal whiskey on the rocks and a warm towel, smiling kindly at me as she set them on the tray and walked away. This was the perfect example of why all of this was so hard for me. Sure, finding out about my son was extremely jolting but it was not rocket science and my mind had already accepted it as fact. What I struggled with was far more selfish and self-centered than that. I was free, free to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. If I wanted to jet off to somewhere warm and work remotely, I could. If I wanted to go out for drinks in the city, I could. It wasn’t about other women, I had plenty of those in my day, it was about the power to choose what I wanted with only myself in mind. With a child depending on me for support, mentally and emotionally, I could no longer make decisions without considering their repercussions.
The whiskey went down easier than it should have as I pondered my life and my choices. My penthouse was perfectly designed, decorated, and kept up to match my lifestyle. There was nothing out of place and the rooms were exactly the same. Nothing in my life was built to accommodate a family, which had been done purposefully. I knew my responsibilities would not allow me that option for a long time. I had come to terms with that, building my existence around that irrefutable fact. Sure, I was lonely from time to time but in reality, I wanted that loneliness. I wanted an excuse to continue to push myself professionally, always believing that I would have control over when and if I ever decided to settle down. My father didn’t have that choice and he built his business with his family in tow. He was an extremely important part of my life and was the reason I turned out to be the man I am today.
Could Seth really grow up without a father in his life? I mean sure, he could, there were a million single mothers out there raising their children. But was that best for him? Casey had weathered all of this on her own, every late night, every tear, every financial dumping, and not once did she ever pick up the phone to ask for my help. Yesterday, I would have been a
ngry about that fact but today I realized how strong of a woman she was and how hard that must have been for her to do. Beyond leaving Seth without a father, could I leave Casey to continue pushing through life without a partner? She may have taken it all on her own, but she shouldn’t have to. She should have someone else there weathering those same storms right beside her.
Casey was an incredibly brave woman. She took a secret and buried it deep down in her soul, not telling anyone but her own mother. What was shocking to me was that her mother acted like she had no idea that I was Seth’s father. It almost made me think Casey lied to her as well. Part of me wanted to know what story she built to allow herself the strength to keep going but I knew that it would only make me angrier and more bitter. It still blew my mind that she could have come to me for help at any turn but she was protecting her child so hard that she shouldered everything on her own. That fact alone sent twinges of guilt surging through my stomach. I could have been there for her and I should have been there. Had I not acted like such a rich playboy, she would have felt more comfortable coming to me with the news. I really didn’t know how I would have reacted five years ago but I could have at least made sure they were taken care of.
What would happen if I went back to start building a relationship with my son? Would Casey reject me? Would Seth reject me? If I had a relationship with that little boy, then I couldn’t do it without having one with his mother. She was an extraordinary woman who explemified what it meant to be a mother and a partner. Just the way she looked at me that night after the pumpkin patch proved to me that she was giving into her feelings and showing that she couldn’t help but think of me as her other half. And what did I do? I freaked out and left. No calls, no answers, nothing. I let my mind take over and my emotions run wild, pushing me away from two people who really needed me. At the time, they both really wanted me in their lives. But what about now? I had a hard time believing that, after everything that happened and everything I said, she would take me into her life with open arms.
I put my empty whiskey glass down and wiped my hands with the warm towel. Everything was so confusing at this point that I didn’t even know how to take it all in. These were the times that I desperately wished my father was close. I wished we could sit here and talk about everything. But, I didn’t need him physically here to tell me what the right thing to do was. He would tell me that I needed to be there for my child and his mother. He would tell me that I made my bed and now it was time to lay in it. My father may have been a hard ass but he was a good man who knew what the definition of responsible really was. Still, sitting here all alone on the jet, I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would have been like had I known from the start. Casey would have been so happy to have me by her side. Seth and I would already have an amazing father-son relationship.
I took in a deep breath, unsure how to handle the emotions that were flowing through my head and chest. All my anger had finally dissipated and I was left with sadness, fear, and guilt. I was sad for missing out on so much time with my son. I felt terrible that I left Casey alone, giving her the impression that I would never want anything to do with a family. But most of all, I was scared. I was scared of not being the man my son needed, I was scared that I wouldn’t live up to my father’s expectations of me as a man. Most of all, I was terrified Casey wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. She obviously hadn’t moved on yet but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t one day soon.
I pictured Casey in my mind, her beautiful smile radiating as another man walked her through the church, carrying Seth on his shoulders. Eventually, if I stayed away, she would meet another man, probably a really great guy like Brandon and he would take over the family that was meant to be mine. Just thinking about another man taking Casey’s hand and hugging Seth tightly made me feel sick to my stomach. This was the first time that I ever experienced any sort of jealousy and I realized my feelings for Casey went far beyond a strong lustful want. She was the mother of my child, the woman I pined over for five years, and the only person who had ever made me smile and laugh like no one was watching. Nothing else in the world compared to the feeling I had sitting across the table from her and Seth, enjoying Thanksgiving dinner together.
In that moment, everything in me wanted to turn the plane around and go running back to Casey. I wanted to beg for her forgiveness, promise her the life she deserved, and scoop my son up into my arms. I dug my fingernails into the arms of the chair, wondering if that was exactly what I should do. I had the ability to make just about anything happen, so why not this as well? But I didn’t. Instead, I sat there and continued to stare out at the fluffy clouds. My inability to act wasn’t fueled by fear, but because I really didn’t know if me being in their lives was the right choice. For the first time in my life, I had to really think about myself and what I was capable of. Would it be a good choice to completely change my world? Could I actually pledge myself completely to Casey and Seth?
It was confusing but I knew that by the time this trip was over, I needed to make a decision.
Chapter 16: Casey
I leaned against the counter drinking my morning cup of coffee and thinking about the last several days. Though I was no longer lying around crying into my pillow, I could feel this ball of sadness just inundating my chest. It was like I swallowed all my anger and sadness and now, it was just sitting there waiting to either go down or come back up. The last thing I wanted was to allow it to take over and make my life even harder than it already was. I made the decision to keep Dex out of my life and out of Seth’s life and I knew that I had to stick to it. So far, it wasn’t too hard. I hadn’t heard anything from Dex since I left him standing on the sidewalk in front of my apartment. But still, Dex always stayed quiet after an event in our lives and then suddenly showed up one day, ready to go like he washed the past out of his memory.
I walked over to the calendar and flipped up the page, realizing it was now December and less than a month away from Christmas. I used to love this time of year - the enchanting music, the lights, the decorations - but now all it did was make me upset. Christmas was forever tainted in mind and though it gave me my beautiful sweet boy, it also gave me my first memories of Dex. Everything in my life since that night had gathered together as a result of my decision to sleep with him. My son, my broken heart, and my constant fear that Dex’s team of lawyers were going to show up at my door with custody papers, ready to rip my reality into shreds. Nothing about Christmas felt magical anymore. I couldn’t even think about the twenty-fifth of December without seeing Dex’s face. He appeared so clearly in my mind, it was as if he were standing in front of me. I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head, forcing him away.
“Mommy,” Seth said, pulling at my shirt. He was standing there in his pajamas holding his sketch book and crayons. He wanted to go out and draw buildings, which was something that would probably be good for the both of us.
“Okay buddy,” I said with a sigh. “Let’s go get you dressed.”
His little face lit up with excitement and he took off toward his room. As I pulled his shirt and sweater over his head, I couldn’t help but see a little bit of Dex in his smile. The same smile that once charmed me into thinking there was a chance of having a normal life with him. But even still, I couldn’t help but feel warm at the thought of my son sharing that same drive and curiosity that I saw in Dex the first time we met. Seth pulled on his pants and ran around the room excitedly while I gathered his shoes and coat. His excitement was almost enough to erase my sadness but it still lingered there, just beneath the surface. I hoped getting out of the house would be good for me.
We took the subway from Brooklyn into Manhattan and walked slowly through the streets. Seth gawked at all the buildings along the way, trying to decide which one he wanted to draw first. He loved the big shiny ones, the ones that set his imagination into overdrive. However, when you looked at his final work, you saw a striking reality where the pencil didn’t pickup the glimmer and the clouds sat in a dark gray hue. We crossed the street into the large open area in front of Canton Columns where the now empty fountain stood. They turned the water off for most of the winter to avoid any freezing issues.
I plopped Seth up on the side of the fountain and helped him unroll his paper and organize his crayons. While I did that, I noticed Seth staring up straight into the sky with curiosity. I knew there was more going on in that little head than just amazement. He once asked me how they got the buildings so high but I didn’t know the answer. Dex would have been the perfect person to explain that to him, maybe even show him around a site that was being built. But that was just a pipe dream from the life that could have been, not the life that we had. I needed to stop daydreaming about these things or else I would never allow myself to move forward.
Once Seth was set up, I pulled my coat around me and shivered. It was really cold outside and I could feel the weather turning. We wouldn’t stay out here too long but I couldn’t deprive Seth of what he loved to do. Soon, this area would be covered in snow just like I used to love. Living in NYC definitely gave its fair share of white Christmases. I used to look forward to the glittering white frost but now, I just prayed the holiday would come and go as quickly as possible. I was ready for a new year, a time when I could take a deep breath and revamp our entire life. I knew that passing days on the calendar didn’t heal your heart but there was something refreshing about flipping over to the first day of a new year and hoping for the best. I already knew next year couldn’t be much worse than this one.