“I’m glad to hear you say that. I’m just confused and I need time to sort things out in my own head. I do care for you deeply and probably more than you know. I just need to be sure that this is forever and not some fling. We owe it to ourselves to make sure that we are that soul mate that we have been searching for. I know that I probably sound like some hallmark card, but I can’t help to want that happily ever after.” I helped him on with his jacket and opened the door. I breathed a sigh of relief to see that the motorcycle that Jones had arrived on was out of sight. It was on the road, but it was underneath the shadow of a tree masking its existence.
“I know that I have no right to ask this. Is there something that you need to tell me? You obviously have doubts, but I sense that there’s something more going on here than meets the eye. I’m not going to push, but my door is always open. Tomorrow is a big day and we meet with Lionel in the morning to go over any changes that he might want to make with the designs that we made for his other three buildings. I really do want you to go with me to China. That is something that you’re going to have to decide for yourself. It could be the beginning of something.” He touched my cheek and I almost grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway to the bedroom.
“We have a few days before we leave the city. I still plan on going with you. You need to find some perspective and to really feel the loss of Julia. I know that you said that you ended things amicably, but there has to be a piece of you that is only going to be meant for her.” I closed the door, peeking through the curtains until he was driving away and then I felt a pair of hands on my hips from behind.
“I kinda find it naughty that you are playing the field. It makes me that much more anxious to win you over. Damn, I forgot about these curves and the way that your body screams for the satisfaction that it deserves. You know that we have been intimate. I do have a road map of your body in my mind that I play over and over again. I will never forget the day that we consummated our relationship on the football field. The next day when I took to the field, I couldn’t stop smiling or bringing to life the moment that you cried out in orgasmic joy. I wasn’t exactly pure as the driven snow, but I knew that you were. You took a chance on a man that really didn’t give you any reason to think that I was a one-woman kind of guy. For the rest of that year, we were inseparable and I don’t mean to brag, but I think that I gave you some of the best orgasms of your life.” I wanted to refute his claim, but there was no way that I could without lying through my teeth.
“I can’t do this right now. I need you to leave and to give me space. I will leave you with one thought. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth it to stand beside you in your career. I don’t know how I’m supposed to ever get over something like that. I’ve always struggled with my weight and you didn’t make it any easier by making me think that you were embarrassed to have me in your life.” I’d wanted to say this to him the last day of high school, but I was too naïve and hurt by his betrayal to do much of anything. I could only stare at him as he walked out of my life.
“I apologize for making you feel that way. It wasn’t right and I was stupid to think that I could do better.” I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I closed the door with my heart beating and my palms sweating. I had this need to jump either guy and have my way with them. I was actually thinking that maybe I could have my cake and eat it too, but that would’ve been asking for way too much.
“I’ve never known you to play two guys against each other. I told you that Jones was going to realize the mistake that he made. I’ve heard all about him and that twinkle in your eye is hard to ignore.” It was 5:00 AM in the morning and I had barged in on Gemini sleeping to get her two cents worth.
“I just don’t know what to do. I thought that I had Jones out of my system, but all those feelings resurfaced when I saw him standing at my
door. His voice was like a whisper in the wind. I’m powerless when I’m around him. I thought that I was never going to see him again. August is my future and Jones is my past.” I wanted to believe that, but those memories never did fade over time. Jones had always been the measuring stick that I used when I found myself even remotely in a relationship.
“You say that, but I’m not sure that you really believe that. You have every right to the way that you feel. There was no closure to end your relationship with Jones. This might be your one opportunity to finally tell him that it’s over. I’m a little concerned that you weren’t able to do that last night. It made him believe that you’re not over him. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you some of my sage advice. You can’t have both of them no matter what fantasy might manifest in that naughty little mind of yours. It would never work which means that you’re going to have to decide on one or the other. They both have that same attitude toward women. They both think that they are god’s gift. It appears that you have a type. Do you think that the reason why you have been keeping August from getting close is because he reminded you too much of Jones?” I hadn’t thought of that, but now that she had broached the topic it did ring with a bit of truth.
“I’m glad that you’re being the voice of reason. I’m not sure that I could even think straight with the both of them running around in my mind. I really did have the intention of rocking his world last night. I would be right now basking in the afterglow. There’s a part of me that wants to go to Jones and tell him that he needs to leave me alone. I tried last night, but I instead put him off like I was weighing my options.” They both had the capacity to love with all of their heart. It was a no-win situation. Someone was going to get hurt and it was going to be because of me. I wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility.
“Until you figure out what you’re going to do then they both should remain off limits. If it were me, I would test drive both to see which stick feels better. I know that’s not how you do things. You let your feelings take control of you. I think that it’s kinda cute, but also leaves you with a decision to make. Do you take a chance on someone that hurt you like that or do you run off to the orient with August? It all comes down to what you feel right here.” She reached out and touched my heart. I knew that she was right.
“I sometimes find myself turning my back on love completely. I need to break down those walls that I have put up because of Jones. August has done his best to chip through to the other side. I thought last night was finally going to make it crumble for good. I need to find out if the love that I had for Jones is still there. The only way to find out is to spend some time with him alone and in private. You gave me a lot to think about and I appreciate that.” We had been talking for almost 2 hours and it was time for me to get ready for work. It wasn’t going to be easy to get my head in the game.
“Jones is not going to be a part of your past until you are able to finally say that you don’t need him. Don’t get lost in the feelings that you have for him before. You may find out that he’s the same man that you remember. He may look different on the surface, but men don’t change. There’s no way that you could possibly say that you’re the same person that you were when you first met him.” She was sitting there on the couch with that one lone blanket over top of her naked frame. I didn’t ask her to cover up and it felt perfectly natural to speak about my feelings with her wearing only a smile.
“I understand what you’re trying to say. I need to find out if he is a man that I can trust with my heart again. I was a basket case when he left me. It hardened my heart and made me suspect of anyone that wanted to get close. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to August. He deserves the truth and for me to be completely honest for this to work. I want to be that kind of girl and we never did say that this was exclusive. It’s a small distinction and one that I feel horrible to make. I need to get a cold shower and I think you know the reason why. If I don’t do something about this pent up sexual frustration, then I’m not going to be worth much of anything negotiating with Lionel.” She grabbed my hand and it was that strength that I needed to feel like I was breathing normally again.
“Trust in your heart and it will always lead you to the one that you’re supposed to be with. I only wish that I could take that same advice. I would love to have that one that completes me. I’m just not sure that I could settle for one when there is a smorgasbord of different men out there for me to try. I find that life offers wonders that you couldn’t possibly understand unless you lived in my shoes. Going to China is going to allow you to stretch your wings. I am a little jealous of you. I know how it feels to take that leap of faith for the first time. It’s exhilarating and terrifying beyond words.” She did have a unique insight and one that I would be a damn fool not to take advantage of.
“I’m finally going to find out what it is like to live. I do feel that it’s time for me to broaden my horizons. I have to stop living in this little box that I have made for myself. I want that freedom to live for the moment and not just because I have to.” I wanted to go to China, but how could I win this Damocles sword over my head. It was swinging back and forth threatening to destroy everything that I had built with August for something more familiar. Just how familiar that was had never been fully investigated.
I went to the bathroom turning on the water and I stepped under the cool spray to feel that heat that I had for both men diminishing slightly. There was still that lingering ember when I finally emerged. That was never going to go away and being close to either man was going to turn it back up a notch.
I was going to drive myself crazy with all of these what ifs. I left Gemini sleeping yet again. I really did believe that she was contributing in a small way. There were no money exchanging hands, but I wouldn’t have taken her money even if she offered it. She was one of my dearest friends and if she needed something, I was damn well going to be there to give it to her.
Sitting in my car after driving 20 minutes to the office was keeping me immobile with my hands still clasping the steering wheel. The engine was off and I was looking at the front door to the building and trying to will myself to leave the comfort and security of the car.
I heard the knocking on my window and I turned abruptly to see that August had somehow seen me arrive. “I hope that you’re not going to sit in there all day. It was only by luck that I saw you out of my window. I’m sure that you’re feeling nervous, but we need to put that aside for business. Lionel is here and I didn’t want to get into it with him without you standing by my side. You’re the one that’s going to have to decide if you can still work with me. I feel like there is still a lot that we need to say to one another. I took the liberty of making reservations at a small bistro that I think that you’ll like. I want this to work out. I’ve never fought for any woman in my life, but I’m willing to do that for you. I’m just not sure what I’m fighting against.” I took a deep breath, steeled myself for the heat that was generated by us. I opened the door and I stood up in front of him feeling like my legs had turned to jelly.
“I was afraid that you were going to think that I wasn’t worth it.” Jones had given me that feeling in the past. I thought that it was going to be a repeat performance all over again with August. He had said repeatedly that I was his type. It wasn’t my weight that was in contention. It was my reluctance to let him in. I had allowed someone like Julia to step in to show him that it didn’t have to be this hard.
“There is nothing that would make me think that.” August took my hand and led me into the building. I thought that people were weak when they couldn’t say what was on their mind, but now I understood exactly where they were coming from.
“I don’t know how you can say that after everything that I’ve done. I haven’t made it easy for you. I find that time is fleeting. You never know what’s going to happen next. It’s that uncertainty that drives people to do some of the most insane things. That’s where the bucket list comes into play. T
hat’s why people feel that it’s necessary to do things before that final judgment day.” I had purposely worn something that showed very little skin with the button of my blouse all the way up to the neck. I looked more like a librarian that had too many cats and no love life to speak of.
“It sounds very Biblical and I’ve never been much for religion. I want you to know that you can say anything to me.” He had already given me the impression that he knew that something was going on. He wasn’t trying to fix things and he just wanted to be somebody that I could talk to. It wasn’t sure how that was going to work.
“I have enough friends and I don’t need one more. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I want something that is going to keep me guessing until the day that I die. I want a man that continually surprises me and pushes me creatively in and out of the bedroom. You do that for me on one front and I don’t think that I could feel any luckier even if I wanted to.” We went up in the elevator and I was tempted to push him up against the wall like he had done to me. I felt that it might be time to turn the tables.
“Lionel looks happy, but you can never know with his poker face. I told him that I didn’t want to know his insights until you were able to be there to hear them for yourself. I don’t think that he appreciates the value that you bring to this business. He’s accepting of it, but I’m not sure that he fully has it in him to give you the kind of respect that you deserve.” I didn’t need his assurances. I was a big girl and I could take any kind of criticism with a grain of salt. Everybody had their opinions. It didn’t necessarily mean that one or the other was right.
Lionel was quite receptive to the changes that we had made for his other three buildings. He didn’t have any other projects and that was good considering that we were going to be leaving the country very shortly. I was still worried that I wasn’t going be able to follow him to this wonderful new adventure on the horizon.
I sat here picking at my food and not having much of an appetite. Everything smelled delicious and what I did sample made me a believer. I kept looking up at him bashful and shy about what was going to come out of my mouth next.