“I’m sorry, Logan,” she finally says.
I fork my fingers through my hair and bounce my gaze around my room as if I’ll get the answers I need. How is it that two weeks ago, Vanessa could look at me lovingly and make promises with her eyes and then withdraw all that and go back to a man she claimed she hated?
What about me? Us? I don’t say it out loud because it’ll make me look like a bigger fool than I already am. I’m disgusted with myself. I let my fucking guard down and convinced myself that Vanessa was different.
I take a step back and smile at her as if I don’t care. I draw all of my acting skills. The ones I used to tell a victim in an automobile accident that they’ll be just fine when it’s clear that their body is giving up.
“All you had to do was tell me,” I tell her. “That’s all. Enjoy your date. I’ll see you around.” I turn around and walk out of Vanessa’s life.
This is the last time a woman will ever hurt me. I’m done with love and fantasies of a future with someone. That’s it for me. Kaput. I can’t deal with this kind of pain ever again.
***
“I don’t get how and why she would go back to such an asshole,” Stan says.
“Because he’s the father of her baby,” I respond, aware that I’m slurring my words.
“It’s not like she’s just found out that he’s the father of her baby,” Josh says.
I wave a hand away. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s finished. Let’s drink and be merry.”
I’m feeling happy and my troubles seem far away. Definitely not as close as they had been earlier when I’d pleaded with my brothers to have a drink with me. A song that sounds familiar comes on the speakers and I try to sing along to it, but the words don’t form fast enough for me to sing along.
“You’re drunk, Logan,” Josh says.
I stare at him. “Isn’t that the whole point of drinking? To get drunk.”
“You really don’t want to get into that argument,” Stan says.
“What argument?” I’ve lost my train of thought. I feel as if I should know what he means but my brain refuses to put two and two together.
“I’m beat,” Stan says.
“Me too,” Josh says as well.
“What? We’re just getting started,” I tell them.
“Logan we’ve been here for at least three hours. We’ll drop you home,” Stan says.
Suddenly the energy I feel disappears, as if I’m a balloon that’s just been deflated. I miss Vanessa. A lump forms in my throat as the reality of the end of our relationship comes to me. I take the last swig of my beer and push myself to my feet, albeit unsteadily.
My feet are heavier than I expect, and I feel a little unsteady. When my brothers slip their hands under my arms, I don’t complain. I’m just glad for the support.
I fall asleep as soon as I sit down heavily in the car. The next time I wake up, it’s to Josh shaking me awake.
“You’re home.”
I’m feeling marginally better. Enough to stagger my way into the house even though Josh walks alongside me like a bodyguard. I’m relieved that Vanessa’s car is in the driveway. It would kill me to imagine her spending the night in another man’s house.
“Thanks,” I mumble as I enter the house and shut the door behind me as slowly as I can.
Mindful of the fact the I have to go to work tomorrow morning, I make my way to the kitchen and drown two glasses of icy cold water. I head upstairs to my room and resist the temptation to look in on Emma. I’m tipsy and clumsy and I don’t want to risk waking her up.
The pain has eased and all that remains is a shadow of longing for what might have been. I fell asleep just as fast as I did when I entered the car. It’s a relief to close my eyes and feel myself drifting away.
The next time I wake up, it’s to a screeching alarm that jolts me out of my sweet dreams. With a groan, I reach for it and hit snooze. But I don’t fall back asleep. The events of the previous day come to the forefront of my mind and the most incredible pain grips me.
The memories come then. The four of us were seated on a blanket outside, looking and feeling like a real family. Vanessa holding Emma so lovingly that no one would have believed that she was not her biological mom. Vanessa and I taking our girls for a walk on a sunny Sunday morning.
I should have seen the signs that her heart had not been in it. That my dreams for the future had not been her dreams. I feel so fucking lonely and angry with myself. Lying in bed brooding about it won’t help. I’ve been down this road before and as hard as it is, it shall ease. Resolutely, I push away the covers and get up. I banish Vanessa from my mind but as I step into the shower, Ivy sneaks into my thoughts.