“Kat, I don’t know. Nana hasn’t accepted the diagnosis yet. Pop is here with her. She will be ok. I think maybe she needs to tell him.” I wasn’t sure about anything at this moment.
“I can’t imagine that she would have accepted it yet mom. She needs time,” she replied as she opened the door holding it for me to enter first.
“We may have our hands full with her.”
“Would that be anything new?” She asked flippantly.
“I guess not.”
“I feel sorry for Pop,” Kat said with a sigh.
#
In the hospital Kat and I wandered down sterile, pale blue hallways on sterile white and pale blue floor tile looking for Esther’s room number as we passed doors. Each room had a patient in them sometimes two. There were intimidating looking machines and tubes and nurses hustling from room to room. My own insides were shaking with uncertainty. Kerry hadn’t been home when I rang his mother’s telephone number so we were winging this visit.
Finally at Esther’s room, Kat stopped me with her hand on my arm. I gazed at my daughter with expectation wondering if she could go through with this. She took a deep breath and nodded at me. With uncertainty we opened the heavy door and went inside Esther’s room.
Kerry was sitting in the corner in a chair watching his mother sleep with a faraway look on his face. He did not notice that we were even there. When he finally noticed us first shock registered on his handsome face when he gazed at our daughter standing next to me. Our daughter with her brilliant purple hair and punk haircut.
Kat had taken great pains to ensure that she looked good. Gone was the heavy make-up. She looked fresh and young. Her hair was smooth, not spiky even though it was such an unusual color. She wore neat black pants that were classically cut and showed off her slender figure. She wore an off-white, large, silky sweatshirt. She looked beautiful. This was one event that she cared what someone thought about her. She cared what her father would think.
“I’m glad you came,” he said softly breaking the silence. He rose from the chair where he had been sitting. “I told my mother that you were going to visit. It made her very happy.”
“Thank you,” Kat replied in a soft whisper of words that choked in her throat.
She was nervous. I knew because she was wringing her hands that were clasped in front of her. Like her father, her hands were a dead giveaway when she was nervous about something.
Kerry crossed the floor and knowingly took her hands in his. “Don’t be nervous,” he whispered huskily understanding her better than I would have thought possible given their situation.
“I’ll try not to be,” Kat answered without meeting his gaze.
Kerry looked to me for help. Kat was drowning. He was not too far behind her. She had always wanted this opportunity. She had always wanted to understand why he had not been there for her but now that the opportunity had presented itself to her she didn’t know what to say to him.
Esther broke the uncomfortable silence. “I would know that hair color anywhere,” she said weakly. “It’s my favorite color.”
Kerry released Kat’s hands and eagerly she went to her grandmother’s bedside. Kat took Esther’s gray hand in one of her own and kissed the top.
“Hi Grandma,” she said softly.
“Your dad said you were visiting Yancy. I’m so glad to see you.”
“Grandma, I wish you had told me how sick you were I would have flown here to visit before school started.”
“I didn’t want to worry you,” Esther said to her only grandchild. The only one I knew of at least. “Gabrielle, come here dear. You look wonderful.”
Bending over her bed, I kissed Esther’s cheek. She had always been kind to me and for that kindness I made sure she knew her granddaughter. “How are you feeling?” I whispered softly.
“Like holy hell dear,” Esther replied tiredly.
I gazed at the woman who once had been vibrant and full of energy. She had worked hard her entire life. Esther had raised Kerry pretty much by herself, as Kerry’s father was either drunk or working somewhere other than in Hell until he finally left for good leaving mother and son to fend for themselves.
Esther’s skin was as gray as her hair. Her hair had been jet black like her sons’ hair. Her eyes were a warm brown like Kat and Kerry’s eyes. She had been an attractive woman, tall and slender. The final stages of cancer were evident by the look of her skin. Her eyes were sunk deep into her skeletal face. I wanted to look away but couldn’t. She was holding my attention with her gaze. There was something there on her face I couldn’t understand not that she wanted me to. Esther appeared as if she had something she wanted to say but couldn’t or wouldn’t.
“Let me visit with my granddaughter. You too catch up,” she said pointing to Kerry and myself with one bony, shaky finger.
“We’ll be back shortly Mom,” Kerry replied guiding me out of the room with his hand pressed into the small of my back. He needed to catch his breath after meeting his daughter as much as his daughter needed it.
In silence, we walked down the halls towards the elevator. His hand guiding me. Allowing him to do this without question I thought it felt so natural but was causing my heart to beat unnaturally. I was certain that Kat was grateful to her grandmother for getting her father out of the room for a while so she could regroup. The problem, that left him with me.