Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

In the hospital cafeteria we bought coffee and sat at a corner table that had four hard plastic chairs in neon colors. I sipped my coffee waiting for Kerry to say something. He didn’t so I spoke up first.

“How long does your mother have?” I asked.

“Anytime,” he replied keeping his eyes focused on the cup his hands were wrapped around. “How was your mother’s appointment?” He changed the subject not wanting to discuss his own mother.

“She has cancer. She’s having surgery the week after Thanksgiving.”

He looked up at me quickly then back down at his coffee. “I’m sorry Gabby. Is she having a mastectomy?” He asked.

“No, a lumpectomy. I guess it could be worse.” I gazed down at the steam rising from my Styrofoam cup and thought the coffee tasted like the cup. I couldn’t look him in the eye and the silence was thick between us. People walked by our table not noticing us or the strain between us. Finally, I said, “What happened?”

I could feel him looking at me. Finally, I gave into the impulse to meet his gaze.

“I don’t know,” he replied honestly when he had my gaze locked with his. He knew that I was talking about what had happened to us?

“I was too young. I couldn’t fight both you and your mother. It was easier to walk away than to stay and fight for Kat. I kept thinking that if I couldn’t have you I couldn’t have Kat. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I was a coward Gabrielle.”

“You hurt her,” I said to him not caring if I spared his feelings at this moment.

“I know,” he said reluctantly. “My mother has told me that for years. Stubbornly I refused to listen or I would have tried to see her before now. By the way Gab, she’s beautiful.”

“I had some help in that department,” I told him. She looked more like him than me. “She’s a great kid.”

“So my mother tells me. She thinks you’ve done a wonderful job raising her.”

“I appreciate that. I respect your mother’s opinion a great deal.”

“I know you do. I wish things w

ere different. I wish that I had watched my daughter grow to the young adult that she is. I wish that I could say I had something to do with making her the person that she is,” he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth in a painful rush. “I’m ashamed of myself Gabby.”

Without thinking what I was doing I covered his hand with mine just as I had last night when he told me his mother was dying. He seemed to need reassurance. This was a conversation that I never anticipated taking place. I didn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t excuse what he had done. As far as I knew Kerry hadn’t been to Hell in years.

I never thought that I would be sitting across from him in a hospital cafeteria sipping coffee casually from disposable cups while we talked about the past that I thought I was keeping good and buried. I couldn’t excuse his actions but I could forgive him and help the healing process. I knew that I could. Could Keegan?

As Kat had done, I kept the emotions buried just below the surface where they could rear their ugly head at any time. The emotion of the moment welled within me until it threatened to flood my eyes with tears.

“I don’t want you to feel badly.” My voice was shaky. My attempt at consoling him.

“Yes, you do,” Kerry said with an ironic look in his eyes.

“You’re right I do.”

“I have to ask you something.”

“What?” I asked him gazing up at him again. Gazing into beautiful liquid brown eyes I felt my heart melting even though we had been apart for seventeen years.

“My mother says you aren’t happy in Kentucky with your husband. Are you?”

The statement similar to my mother’s statement this morning at Doctor Winkle’s office startled me. “What makes her think that?” I asked Kerry doubtfully.

“Your mother,” he answered. “Our mothers have been having tea every Friday since my mother’s surgery last spring.”

My face registered my total shock at this admission.

“I see that you didn’t know. Yancy even visited her here before I arrived. She hasn’t been here that I know of since then. I think she calls her from time to time.” Kerry hesitated seeming to think about his next words. “I don’t think she wants to run into me? I didn’t know about them meeting until my mother told me that you weren’t happy. Is it true Gabrielle?” He asked me. He

He was impatiently waiting for an answer.