Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

Soon I would be on I-75 which would take me to Toledo from there Bowling Green. Then nothing but flat farmland for hours until Dayton, Ohio. We had a long trip ahead of us.

Catching a glimpse of Kat out of the corner of my eye I wondered what she was thinking and knew she would share with me when the time was right for her. I had learned to accept that about Kat’s personality. She turned to the front when she could no longer see Kerry or Esther?

?s house.

The silence in the car was driving me crazy so I flipped on a radio station to fill the silent space between Kat and me. There was a definite void between us right now while she sorted through her mixed emotions. We were close and the void would be repaired in time but right now Keegan needed her space. Until then I listened to the oldies station singing the words to songs that I knew by heart.

When we crossed into Kentucky at the Ohio River I sighed with relief. We were in the home stretch. Glancing at Keegan who had been working on homework I tried to catch her eye. She ignored me. Averting my eyes back to the road I stared straight ahead. Bored, I counted the mile markers as we passed them on the side of the road. Then, I clocked the miles estimating how long it would take us to get home. I glanced back at Keegan.

“Mom, what?” She asked with annoyance.

“I would like to talk for a few minutes. I’m tired and I’m bored.”

She slammed her book shut. Groaned then said, “Go ahead.”

“Nana is having surgery in a few weeks. Is there anything you want to know? I know this is difficult with her and Esther both being sick.”

Kat shook her head no staring outside the window.

“I thought it might be weighing on your mind.”

Kat glanced at me in her slow steady way. Then she asked, “Is Nana’s cancer as bad as Grandma’s?” She was scrutinizing my face waiting for the answer to her question.

“Keegan you never know about these things.” I didn’t want to build her hopes only to have them dashed should my mother’s cancer become more serious than we were thinking. “Nana didn’t exactly give me a lot of information.”

“I’m glad we’re going to Hell to be with her for her surgery.”

“Me too,” I agreed. “I think she appreciates that we want to be there for her.”

“Even though she doesn’t say so,” Kat added.

“Yeah, even though she doesn’t say so. I had a great conversation with her last night,” I told Keegan.

“Wonderful,” she replied. “Maybe someday I will too.”

“She loves you,” I declared.

“I know she does,” Keegan agreed. “She just has a funny way of showing it. I love her too you know. She frustrates the shit out of me.”

We were uncomfortably silent after that statement. Keegan stared out the window. Her purple hair stood out in the darkness of the car.

“Mom, do you regret breaking up with Dad?” She asked out of the blue.

Surprised I almost answered with all my heart but instead I searched for the proper words to say to my daughter to avoid confusing her even more. Keegan didn’t need to know about our declarations of love on the porch swing or the hot and heavy kisses. She didn’t need to know about her father just holding me while I cried in his arms.

Finally I replied with honesty, “Keegan, I have many regrets and Kerry is one of them especially as he too has been regretting what happened between us. It feels like a lot of wasted time.”

“He said he couldn’t fight with both you and Nana.”

This time it was my turn to sigh.

“Keegan, Nana definitely gave him a hard time. Don’t resent her for that. At that time, she thought she was doing what was best for you and me. As far as he and I…well, we both made mistakes. We were both very young. We had a newborn. We were trying. I know that is no excuse for you but…”

“You were young too but you stuck it out raising me alone.” She was so confused. My heart broke for my baby girl. “That is hard for me to forgive him for but I wish that I had known him all these years.” Kat interrupted me.

“I wish that you had known him too,” I replied. “He was…he is a wonderful person. Kind and caring…”

“You’ve never talked about him much,” she interrupted me, “Usually you just listened to me when I told you things that Grandma shared with me about him.”