Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

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On February 1st we were still living in the farmhouse that James had bought for us with his money. My parents were paying for my attorney until I received a settlement from James. His name was Don Johnson. I nearly laughed when I met him. He was older fifties

or so. He had a paunch for a belly and his hair was thinning. He couldn’t have been more opposite of the famous actor. He was a damn good divorce attorney though and I knew I was going to need one.

Don wasn’t impressed with James’s offer to allow me to stay in the farmhouse. He advised that James was trying to improve his image especially as there were witnesses to his abusive behavior during the marriage. Littie and Virgil for one were prepared to give depositions about James’s cruelty to both Keegan and I. As far as throwing us out he wasn’t being that generous I was told. James was doing what any judge would have forced him to do in this situation no matter what had ended the marriage. I had no income.

To make my life more miserable I still hadn’t spoken to Kerry. Kat reacted awkwardly when I questioned her about why he didn’t want to speak to me. Finally, she blurted out that he felt it best to stay away until my divorce was final. He did know about my divorce though. If I had feelings for James or not, at the very least he didn’t need to complicate the divorce proceedings. When I heard those words my heart fell into my stomach. At least it felt like it had. I was crushed.

Was he brushing me off? Did he feel guilty? What was happening to us? Stubbornly, I refused to take the next step which my mother thought was the stupidest mistake of my life. According to Yancy Kerry needed to be told about his child that I was now expecting. She was most likely correct but as usual I did not listen to my mother.

“Yancy, I’ll tell him soon,” I told her. Changing the subject I asked, “How are you feeling after your chemo treatments?” I hadn’t spoken to her, as she had been too ill following the treatment. Yancy had been given two treatments so far.

“Gabrielle, I think it’s harder each time.”

“Are you cancer free?” I asked sounding emotional. I couldn’t face losing my mother too.

“One would think so. Doctor Winkle does enough blood work I’m surprised I’m not spurting blood like those cartoon characters who get shot full of holes, drink water and have the water squirt from them like a water fountain.”

I laughed. “Since when do you watch cartoons?” I asked.

“Wynne has been sitting with me after school many days. You know how she is about drawing cartoon characters so we watch the shows together.”

“I didn’t know,” I said sadly wishing that I were there with her. “I should be there.”

“Gabrielle, you are where you belong. I want to be at my granddaughter’s graduation from high school when she gives her valedictorian speech. Anyway Wynne needs this time with me. She’s worried that I’ll die.”

“She told you that?” I asked.

“Yes, she did. I try to reassure her but the way I look on some days I’m sure she thinks I’m only pacifying her.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. “How bad do you look Yancy?” I asked softly.

“You don’t want to know.”

“Are you sure you don’t want us to move back right now? Just a few weeks ago you said I didn’t belong here.”

“That was before James left. I can hear the relief in your voice now that he is gone. You sound happier. That is all I ever wanted for you.”

“Yancy?”

“What?”

“I think I’ve screwed up my relationship with Kerry.”

“Tell him about the baby. That will be a start in fixing it,” my mother said with exasperation. “Lord, help me.”

“I’ll try.”

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Keegan’s eighteenth birthday was approaching at the end of the month. I wasn’t feeling well yet with morning sickness and the exhaustion that seemed to overwhelm me at times until I would lie down and take a nap. She didn’t want to make a big deal about the birthday but I wanted her to have a party with friends to help celebrate. My family in Hell was trying to decide if they could make the trip south as my mother seemed to consume their lives for the moment with her illness and chemo treatments. I didn’t blame them. If I were living there I would be consumed too.

My sisters were taking turns staying with Yancy following her chemo treatments to help Pop. They called me after every treatment. The reports of the changes taking place in her broke my heart. I was grateful in a perverse way to not have to see the transformation that my sisters relayed to me about our mother. She had lost all of her hair. Her beautiful face was bloated from the chemicals and steroids invading her body to kill the cancer that might be left behind.

Her skin was stark white, ghostly Micki had called her pallor. She sounded weaker each time that I spoke to her, which had become on a daily basis. The life had disappeared from my mother’s voice. Her fire that my father so loved had burnt out…for the time being I could only hope. She was weak.

Yancy insisted once again that Kat and I stay in Eden as long as we could so that Keegan could graduate from her high school. Part of me wanted to be there with Yancy and part of me wanted to hide from her illness. Yancy’s hope was to be well enough to attend her granddaughter’s graduation in June. She wanted to be there to hear her valedictorian speech if she was chosen which prompted Kat to work that much harder to make sure that she was the valedictorian.