Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“Micki and Wynne are moving in next week,” he said.

I glanced up at my father to gauge his thoughts on this.

“I think that will be good for you to have company, “I replied not able to read anything in his face.

“I think you’re right,” he replied in his familiar deep baritone voice.

“You okay, Pop?” I asked him.

Jack hesitated and glanced at me before staring off into the night sky, clear and sparkling with twinkling stars.

“About as good as you,” he replied.

I laid my head on my father’s chest and a tear splashed onto his shirt front.

“What will we do without her?” I asked him.

“I’ve been asking myself that for months now,” he replied. “I even asked her that question.”

I raised my head and looked into my father’s eyes so much like my own. “What did she say?”

“Take it one day at a time Jack. One day at a time.”

My mother was a smart lady.

“And?”

“Pumpkin, I’m finding that is not so easy when the light has been taken out of your life.”

I hoped then and there that Kerry and I had forty years together as special as Pop and Yancy had. Their love wasn’t perfect but it had been a damned good love.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Christmas

My sisters and our families were gathering at Pop’s house for the holiday. Keegan was meeting us there. Without question the old Victorian would stay in our family as long as was possible. Micki and Pop were having Christmas there for all of us.

Micki’s new boyfriend who we were anxious to meet would be there too. Wynne had told me on the telephone how much she liked him. For Wynne anyone who didn’t fight with her mother constantly was a good person. Byron was fighting the divorce with Micki but she accepted the extra stress with strength, dignity and confidence that a year ago she wouldn’t have had.

After my mother’s funeral, I said goodbye to my daughter at NYU and had not seen her since. Feeling miserable I had watched her figure grow smaller and smaller until I could no longer see her as we drove away from the college that day. I had taken a quick peek at Sam and then turned towards the front brooding for the first three hours of the trip back to Hell until Kerry finally told me to stop. It was difficult for both of us leaving Keegan in New York.

At first, Keegan was homesick. She called once at least every day then the calls were fewer and farther between as she settled into a routine meeting friends and enjoying college life. Soon, if I wanted to talk to her I had to call her. She always seemed to be in a hurry though cutting our conversations short but at least I got to hear her voice if only for a moment. She had settled into college life and she was happy.

Kerry moved Sam and me to Chicago by the end of September. The horses were settled in a local barn two miles from the house that we bought. When Sam was eight weeks old I began to ride again. Spider had missed me as much as I had missed him. He nuzzled my neck whenever I went into the stall with him. Enjoying the soft feel of his coat against my hand I rubbed him down. Kerry was taking riding lessons so that Moose got equal attention.

The freeness of riding Spider left me feeling exhilarated. The wind whipped about us while we galloped through open fields and on riding trails near the barn where he stayed. My hair always came loose from the ponytail after a long ride. The gentle rocking motion of the ride in the leather saddle was a relief for me. It gave me time to clear my head.

We bought a colonial in the suburbs. A grand veranda wrapped around the side of the house spilling out into a large sparkling, heated pool. The three bedroom two story white colonial with tall pillars that accentuated wide, double doors sat on two acres. A long winding driveway led to the back where a three car garage held our vehicles.

We purchased a puppy in October, an American Mastiff we named Daisy. She was beige with a dark face and long spindly legs. She galloped through the house and slobbered all over Sam’s face whenever she had the opportunity. He giggled. He was a happy baby and easy compared to Keegan who had always been fussy. He was so quiet and good natured that I found myself checking on him frequently just to be sure he was breathing.

In addition to riding Spider and taking care of Sam, I had spent the last three and a half months coming to terms with my mother’s death and letting my daughter go to lead her own life. Staying at home with my son was a priority and a joy. Sam occupied a great deal of time that I would have spent thinking too much about ifs and regrets. My life needed direction I knew but I hadn’t figured that part out yet. College was becoming an interest that intrigued me but was I too old to go to college? For now I had decided to just enjoy my new home, my baby son and my husband. Littie and Virgil visited us for Thanksgiving. We skyped with Kat.

Kerry turned the SUV through the wrought iron gates of Hell’s cemetery and pulled off the road by the spot where I could see the two headstones that belonged to my mother and her mother. They were close to the road. I wanted to visit the gravesite before going to the house. Her headstone had been set on the grave two months prior. As I walked towards the plot I could see the doves carved into stone floating about her name and the date of her death. I had not returned to the cemetery since her funeral and was anxious but determined.

The time had come for me to finally say goodbye. Kerry remained behind in the SUV with Sam who was sleeping peacefully. At the headstone I dropped down to the cold ground by my mother’s grave. For several minutes I simply stared at the cold gray stone wishing that she were still here, wishing that I could talk with her wishing that I could share Sam and my happiness with her. If I could just hear her voice one last time, I thought to myself. At times she had been a big pain in the ass but God; I had missed her interfering and controlling these last few months.

“You know,” I said to the silent grounds, my breath visible in the cold air in front of me, you were right many times when you told me what to do or what not to do. I never got to tell you that. Then, I kissed my fingers and laid them on her name carved into the stone.