“I don’t know Sky. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I took two pills that night that Stokes gave me. He said everyone else only took one. Some new stuff. He didn’t even know what it was. I’m surprised I hadn’t OD before the heroin trusting Stokes to give me shit.” I laid my head on her shoulder. “I just don’t know. I think I need to be sure I’m clean before you stay here.”
“I think you need to let me make my decisions. I’ve gone to every doctor’s appointment alone. I had the ultrasound alone.” Her voice cracked. “I need you now Ronan. Gramps told me I should be able to count on you.”
I squeezed her tighter. I could feel Luke squirming against my arm. I helped create this mess. I didn’t know what to think anymore but she needed me and I wouldn’t let her down. “You want to move in here? That’s fine. We’ll figure things out as we go.”
Chapter 9
We became creatures of habit. I worked with Coach every day from seven am till one pm. Then I went to the farm and helped Fionn. Usually, I found Skylar there with Aine. My parents avoided me which meant that Sky and I avoided Sunday dinner with the family. I always had their love and support so this new experience was not something that I was dealing well with at least I still had my brothers, Gramps and Skylar’s family.
I saw the drug counselor once a week. Eventually she wanted me to join a group where I could go to meetings as often as I needed. I wasn’t ready for a love fest, self-awareness, twelve step program to stay clean. I had taken huge steps with the counselor admitting I had a drug problem. I had been spiraling out of control and didn’t even realize it. She didn’t think it was enough. We agreed to different opinions on this topic.
Fionn and I were working in the fields looking after a calf one day when I saw Skylar and Aine driving down the lane towards the farm. Skylar had been to an appointment with Aine who was now three days past due and not happy about it. We had crops that we put out for money. Cattle that we butchered for our own beef. A very small herd. Horses that we used to ride around the farm. We learned young about the land, about the equipment and what it took to maintain it. The animals Fionn got more than any of us. He slapped the calf gently on the rear.
“I think it’s fine,” he said about the calf. “Let’s go see what the doctor said about Aine.”
We were walking towards the house. I kept looking back at the calf. “How do you know?”
“What do you mean?” I looked up at my brother who was four inches taller than me.
“How do you know?”
“I don’t know, I just do.” Fionn shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll watch him for a day or two. If he’s still not eating, then I’ll call the vet but his belly feels fine and he’s not lying around. His eyes look clear. He’s not losing weight either. I just know.” I chuckled at my brother’s self-confidence.
“You should have gone to veterinary school Fionn. You are really good with the animals.”
“I’m good with our animals.” We kept walking towards the girls who were waiting by the porch. We were pretty deep in the fields. “How are things with you and Sky?”
“Comfortable.” Fionn looked at me. I knew what he was thinking. I didn’t know what we were doing. We existed. I touched her a lot. Her belly mainly. Trying to make sense of what happened. “I called Stokes after her graduation party.” He knew the name but had never met my friend in person. I saw his eyebrows rose in question.
“Is he one of the guys that dropped you in front of the ER?” He asked.
I chuckled at my brother. To Fionn, it was simple because with him he was loyal to a fault. Whether he was going to get into trouble or not he would have carried me inside the hospital because that is the kind of person he was. “Yes, he was one of the men who dumped me in front of the hospital.”
“Nice guy,” Fionn said.
I nodded. “Still my fault, Fionn.”
“I guess.”
“Anyway,” I looked at Skylar who I swore was getting bigger by the day. “What I have such a hard time with is the fact that I can’t remember that night with her.”
“No shit,” Fionn threw in.
I glanced over at him then back at Skylar. “That’s when I realized how out of control I had become. I called Stokes to find out what he knew.”
“What did he tell you?”
“He had some new synthetic pills, a guaranteed high that would last for hours. I took two of them right before Sky came over to say hello. Everyone else in our group only took one. We were smoking weed and took a hit of a coke too plus I’d been drinking heavily. I’m lucky I hadn’t OD prior to the heroin incident.”
“Yeah man, you are. Glad you’re still alive.”
I kept looking at Skylar. “Me too.”
He saw where I was looking. “How do you feel about becoming a father?”
“Surreal. Not remembering sleeping with her is making me crazy. She tells me about it. How great it was and I just want to remember. She’s really excited about Luke.”