Ben (The Sherwood)

Did I regret it? Hell yes, every day of my life since that day I told her I didn’t want to see her any more. I gave her the it’s not you, it’s me speech.

So, when I met, Jasmine and saw the same qualities that I liked in Disa I practically chased her down in the parking lot. I was hoping to recapture what I had lost. That night we slept together, I knew that I had made a mistake.

You can’t replace a woman with someone else just because she reminds you of the one that got away. Sure, I liked her. Could my feelings have changed with time? I’ll never know, I ran. I just didn’t think it was fair to Jasmine to try to replace Disa with her.

I took Jasmine to the diner in Severe, dropped in her front. Kissed her goodbye. Said, I’ll see you soon. Didn’t talk to her again until she told me that she was pregnant. I admit that I didn’t handle it well. The Hatfield men weren’t known for being the best at relationships starting with our father who was divorced from our mother still but living with her once again. For now. Until the next blow up or until they decided to get married again whichever might come first.

I sat beside Elijah on the sofa. He smiled at me. Then he handed me two letters. I saw his and Jenny’s name at the top of one. Mine was in an envelope.

“Why don’t you read those then hold Asia,” my brother said to me. I took the envelope and the letter that was addressed to Jen and Elijah, leaned over my daughter and kissed her cheek then I headed to the kitchen.

This was my grandfather’s house before Elijah bought it. This kitchen table where I took a seat had solved more problems in the history of this house than anywhere else.

I had told Granddad about Jasmine at this table. He wasn’t happy with me because I wanted her to get rid of our baby. Now, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way. Now that I had held her, seen her face and knew what it was to love her I was glad that Jasmine hadn’t done as I had asked.

I read Jen and Elijah’s letter first. She had left our baby with my brother and Jen in case I wouldn’t be a father to Asia.

Then I read the letter that she left for me.

Ben,

We had some great times before I let you take me back to the trailer. I often wondered what would have happened if I had held out longer.

I didn’t trick you. No matter what you may hear after I’m gone, I didn’t know that the antibiotics would affect my birth control pills. I did lie to you about my age only because I knew that you wouldn’t give me a chance if you knew how young I was. I thought you were something special and I wanted to be with you so badly.

I liked you, Ben. That was my only crime. You were only the second man I had been with. The first one, was when I turned eighteen, so my experience was pretty, limited.

Ben, I wish I could say that you were completely right about our situation, but I can’t. I couldn’t get rid of Asia like you wanted me to. I’m just not built that way but Ben, you were right that I’m too young to do this.

I spent my whole life taking care of kids that my mom kept popping out. Then I left them all behind, so I could have a better life. I might have left my brothers and sisters, but I never forgot them. I need to get away from here, so I can do better for me and for Asia.

Your family is what she needs, not me. I know that if you won’t come around your mom, dad, Elijah and Jenny will be there for her. I pray though that you will do right by our daughter. She really does need you. I am speaking from the heart and experience. I never had my daddy in my life, so I know what that feels like.

When I would see him he would sometimes, turn his back to me like he didn’t know me. I felt ashamed. Ashamed that he was my dad. Ashamed that I wanted him to love me. Don’t do that to Asia. As a kid, it breaks you.

He has children with another woman. He’s a father to those kids. What’s wrong with me, Ben? Why couldn’t he love me like he did his other children? Why couldn’t he get me out of that hell that living with her was?

It was easier to tell people that he was an alcoholic like my mother than it was to admit that he just plain didn’t want me. Please don’t do that to Asia. She deserves at least one of us to be there for her.

I guess I’m like him. I’m walking away too. I just can’t do this yet. I deserve to have a life.

I wiped the wetness from my face. I had it rough as a kid because Dad was a strict disciplinarian, but Jasmine had it far harder. Dad loved me. I knew it.

I know you were at the hospital. I know you held our baby. The nurse who was on duty that night, told me. She told me that you cried while you rocked Asia. She told me you stayed for hours and even gave her a bottle. She said, you kissed her goodbye and told her that you loved her.

I know you have you it in you to be her father. I’m counting on it, that you will take care of her. Please Ben do this for her. I can’t.

I’m smart Ben. The teachers told me so. I can go to college and build a life if I just get away from here.

Her thoughts were all over the place. Jumping from one topic to another. I think her hand was trembling too. At times her writing was so sloppy I had to read the words more than once to make sense of them.

I realized after the twins were born that I had to escape that house and my mother, or I was never going to have a life. Steven, the father of the twins seemed willing to stick around and put up with her because she had his kids.

He was a good man who took care of the other kids too. I prayed he would stay, so I ran away, and she didn’t look for me.

I found a job in Severe. Only after I turned eighteen I got in contact with Disa. Only then because I knew that nobody could force me to go back to my mother. Then I met you and well you know the rest.

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