It was clear God didn’t know everything that had transpired between the two of them. Didn’t know that Judge had let Michaels get past his armor and then had run like a scared bitch. Had made the man his lover and then walked out on him. But Judge’s lonesomeness was no longer comforting; it was horrific and painful.
Judge cleaned himself up, taking his time because he didn’t have the energy to move any faster. He pulled out his last clean pair of jeans and a tank top. He sat on the edge of the tub and pulled out his phone for the millionth time and fought with himself over whether or not he should call. He’d probably be met with some resistance. No, more than some, a shit-ton, but he had to know that Michaels was okay. Then maybe he could sleep for more than two hours at a time.
He dialed the number and waited anxiously while the phone rang. After several rings, a groggy Michaels answered and Judge’s stomach completely turned over at hearing his detective’s voice.
“Austin, it’s Judge.” He was met with dead silence. It was so quiet Judge had to check the screen to see if he’d lost the connection. He saw the seconds still ticking by. “I, um. God told me what happened with Switch after I left.” Judge swallowed loudly. This is so hard. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and—”
Click.
Judge closed his eyes, took the phone away from his ear, and pressed it against his temple. Only a split second of hearing that raspy, sexy voice… then it was gone. Why’d he say that? That was stupid. He knew anything he said would be stupid. Of course Michaels didn’t want to talk to him. His chest ached, his head pounded. How had he lost so much in the course of a few days? As soon as God found out the truth, he’d lose another friend.
“Judge. Judge. You alright?” Duke’s deep voice carried through the door.
He couldn’t hide in Duke’s bathroom all night. He came out and placed his bag against the wall. He felt awkward, he wasn’t sure if he should stay the night or not but he knew he was too tired to drive home. Judge sat on the couch, leaned as far back as he could, and let his head fall back into the cushions.
Duke stood behind him and rubbed his aching shoulders. Lately everything ached on him. “I’m sorry, Judge. I’m sorry about your dad. I know he was the only family you had left.” Duke’s strong hands kneaded a particularly sore area and Judge struggled not to groan. “You hungry? I can make you something quick.”
Judge didn’t respond. His thoughts went back to Michaels. How he’d cooked for Judge. How they’d ate and laughed, eye-fucked each other like they were on a date at NORMA’S in Le Parker Meridien. Didn’t get a chance to tell Michaels that was his favorite restaurant in the world. He kept his eyes closed, afraid that if he opened them Duke would see the glassy expression, the moisture quickly building in them. Duke was quiet now. Continued to rub him until those hands ventured lower. Judge sighed. It’d been so long since he’d craved touch. He did now. Desired it. Needed his man’s touch so badly it hurt. He gasped when thick thumb pads rubbed across his nipples. Yes. Austin. Judge shot up to his feet, scaring the shit out of Duke.
“I’m sorry… I thought… I wanted to make you feel good.”
Judge shook his head and stood on the other side of the room. His hands tangled in his too-long black locks. He couldn’t fuck Duke and close his eyes, pretending it was Austin. It was cheating, even though they weren’t actually a couple, but he was surely cheating himself and he’d never disrespect Duke like that.
“It’s not you. It’s me. Well, not me. It’s someone... I just can’t do this with you.” Judge sounded like an idiot.
“Since when?” Duke frowned.
Since I fell in love and was too stupid to notice before I threw it away.
“Judge.” Duke walked up to him, pulling his fist from out of his hair. “There’s someone else.”
Judge didn’t answer.
Duke took his silence for what it was. He looked hurt at first, then he looked surprised. He backed up from him and sat back in his own chair. “This guy must be amazing. I’ve been trying to wrestle you down for years and he does it in what… a month.”
Not even that long.
Judge hated to hurt Duke, but it never came of anything between them because Duke wasn’t what he craved. Judge needed challenging. He needed wild and crazy. He wanted someone who wouldn’t take his bullshit and who wasn’t afraid to call him on his crap. He needed Detective Austin Michaels.