God met his eyes and glared at him. “You think quitting being a cop will stop you from being afraid for him? It won’t. You think you can hit this bag hard enough to make that day go away, Ruxs?” God said. “You can’t. Trust me. I know.”
“You don’t,” Ruxs snarled. He tucked his chin to his chest, glaring up through his wet lashes as he threw another hard left, followed by a right. “None of you know.”
“We were there,” Day said quietly. “You know who else was there? Your partner.”
Ruxs spun and glowered at Day. “You think I don’t fucking know that. You think I don’t see that shit in my head every second of every day?”
“I know you do,” God said. He looked so concerned that Ruxs’s arms dropped to sides, unable to go on any longer. He felt defeated, again.
“I couldn’t save him.” Ruxs dropped onto the weight bench, feeling as if his entire body was on fire. “All I could do was... was...”
“What?” God asked.
“All I did was stand there and cry,” Ruxs bit out. Now. He’d finally said what had had him killing himself for weeks and berating his own mind for his incompetence.
“That’s all any of us could do,” Day said. “You know the rules of engagement. You know if Hart and his team are on the scene he assumes command. What could you have done? What could any of us had done?”
Ruxs shook his head. He couldn’t accept that. Because if that was so, then it could easily happen again and next time... he might not get so lucky.
No. He believed this was best for them.
“You need to speak to someone, Ruxs. This is going to eat away at you if you don’t.”
“I’ll be fine. This will be an adjustment, but I believe I’m making the right decision,” Ruxs said.
“You are, huh? For the both of you?” Day kneeled in front of him and began to peel off his gloves and un-bandage his hands when he saw Ruxs struggling to find the energy to do it himself. “Are you sure this is what Green wants? Or are you treating him like some military wife who has to dutifully follow her husband around wherever he leads?”
“Hell no. We talked about this last week. He just doesn’t understand my reasons yet.” Ruxs could feel the moisture welling in his eyes but he refused to let them fall. He didn’t ever want to cry again.
“What’s the real problem?” God asked.
“I let him down. I couldn’t save him. He was snatched away so fast when we tried to get to Syn’s truck that I couldn’t help him and get Joseph to cover. Now, I’m too scared to even let my boyfriend step out onto the porch, God. How am I gonna let him out of my sight to chase an armed suspect again?” Ruxs whispered as he laid his truest feelings out there, hoping one of them would understand.
“You trust him like you always have, and you trust all of us. We’re still your team,” Day told him sternly. “And Green is still the badass motherfucker you fell for. Don’t take that from him. Don’t even try because trust me... he’ll end up resenting you for it.”
God gripped his shoulder and he almost groaned at the aching muscles he was squeezing. “But, you have to start with getting some counseling. Then when you’re ready, you guys can come back. It can be another week... it can be another month.”
“Just don’t leave Green out of the decision. He’s a man, Mark. Treat him like it. Don’t tell him what his life is going to be from now on,” Day reasoned.
Ruxs knew his bosses were right. Fuck, how could he treat Green like some defenseless kid who needed a daddy to protect him? Day stood and walked to the door and held it open. “There’s some people downstairs who want to see you.”
Ruxs’s hands began to shake. “I know.”
“Hey. None of us were expecting the other to turn into goddamn Superman out there and singlehandedly save the day. It doesn’t work like that in the real world,” God said, standing behind him like a pillar of strength.
“I know. And maybe that’s what has me so damn scared. The only way my lover is still alive is because there were not one but two supermen that happened to what... be rolling by at the time? What are the odds of that shit happening twice?” Ruxs tiredly ran his hands through his hair.
“Is that what you need? Insurance?” God asked.
“You can’t assure me nothing will happen—”
“No,” God butted in. “I could never guarantee what’s not gonna happen when you guys are out there. But, I can tell you that you won’t be alone. And if you need Ex and Meridian watching your backs for a while, then fine.” God pulled out a black flip phone from his pocket and placed it in Ruxs’s sweaty palm.