Defined By Deceit

“God, Llew. Let me have you. Let me have you, now. Fuck, babe. Your body is so beautiful.” Shane’s hands slid across his stomach and around to his back. “So damn hard. Mmmmm. Shit. Are you hard everywhere, handsome?” Shane purred, grinning up at him.

Llew opened his eyes. He was wondering how long he had to enjoy the moment. But there it was already, reality rearing up and slapping the shit out of him. No. He wasn’t hard everywhere. In some place yes. But not where Shane needed him to be.

Before Llew could grab Shane’s wrist, his hand was eagerly pressing against the front of his jeans, searching for his hardness, instead finding a lifeless, useless muscle.

Llew jerked out of Shane’s hold, twisting awkwardly to the side to get away from him. He only caught a glimpse of the confused look plastered on Shane’s face, but it was enough to make him feel like a worthless piece of shit. He was glad it was still dark in his room because he was sure his face was bright red from embarrassment. He hadn’t meant to let things go so far. He just wanted a kiss. One kiss. Now he had this young, strong, virile man in his room wondering what the hell kind of gay man wouldn’t have a stiff dick when faced with the extremely strong likelihood of having sex.

“Llewell, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to pressure you.” Shane fidgeted.

Jesus. This was not something a man could talk about easily; it didn’t just roll off the tongue. I’m impotent. But he didn’t want Shane thinking it was him. He especially didn’t want him thinking Llew wasn’t attracted to him. He stood in front of his one window, his back to Shane so he didn’t have to see his face. See the pity, the disappointment. “I… It’s not you, Shane. You’re not pressuring me. I want to. Damnit.” His voice lowered like what he was about to say was a secret he couldn’t bear to say out loud. “I can’t get an erection.”

Saying that aloud to someone else had Llew’s breathing going shallow and his hands starting to shake. Fuck me. He had to get Shane out of there. If he was about to lose his shit, he didn’t want the man to see that too. “I need to get back to Shirley’s now. She’s expecting me.”

Llew was still looking out the window when he felt Shane’s hands come around his waist, pulling him back into a strong, tough chest. “I’m sorry, Llew.”

Fuckin’ great. Another person to feel sorry for me.

“Don’t be sorry. It is what it is. That’s why I said… I’m not good for you.”

“We don’t have to have se—”

Llew spun fast, cutting Shane off. What the man was about to say was a boldface lie. A man as young as Shane would need sex… lots of it, too. “Don’t say it. Don’t say what you know ain’t true. Don’t say bullshit like ‘sex don’t matter’ and ‘we can just get to know each other and connect on a more spiritual level’. That’s crap and you know it. Now if you don’t mind. I gotta get going.”

“Llewell, just give me a minute to gather myself here.”

“Why?” Llew said between clenched teeth, angrily zipping his coat back up. “There’s nothing to gather.”

“Yes. Yes there is.” Shane looked nervous as if he was truly struggling with his words. “Can I please just ask one question?”

Llew didn’t roll his eyes at the obvious, because he knew exactly what Shane’s question was so he saved him the trouble. “No. I haven’t tried Viagra, Cialis, or any other erectile dysfunction medicine. My problem is psychological… it’s all in my fucked up head.”

Shane’s eyebrows shot up. “Well then I—”

“Save it. I’m not something for you to fix, contractor.” Llew opened his door, a symbolic showing that their visit was over.

“Okay, Llewell.” Shane stood in the small doorway staring up at him. Damn, he’d give anything to lean in for another one of Shane’s sweet kisses, but what was the point… it’d go nowhere. “Work is on hold until we get the OSHA certs done so you’re off tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Jessie sent me a text.”

“Do you need a ride there?”

“I’ll manage.”

“It’s not walking distance, Llewell.”

Llew snorted. “Yeah. I can comprehend where Wilson, North Carolina is, Shane.”

“I wasn’t trying to be smart-mouthed.”

“I know,” Llew whispered. He and Shane stood staring determinedly for a few seconds.

Shane reached up and stroked the side of his cheek, watching him watch him back. “I don’t give up easily, Llewell.”

There was nothing Llew could say to that. So he just watched this perplexing man. Shane may never be his lover, but maybe they’d be friends. The thought was fucking depressing. The hottest man he’d seen in years could only be his friend. If Llew stayed in Henderson, he’d watch Shane eventually meet a strong stallion that could fuck him until the break of dawn. They’d fall in love and live happily ever after, while Llew lived over Ms. Pat’s garage… alone.