Reaching behind my back as far as I could manage, I unhooked the top of the dress and found the zipper. I dragged it down and breathed a sigh of relief as the tight upper portion peeled off of me. I wriggled it down my hips and stepped out in my bra and panties, leaving the dress pooled behind me.
I found the bathroom jutting off of the bedroom and stepped inside, shutting the door behind me. It felt good to be in a small space, like there was nothing that could happen in here that was out of my control or that I wouldn’t see coming. I started the shower and the room began to fill with steam.
Looking in the mirror, I saw a nightmarish reflection staring back. Makeup was streaked across my cheekbones and my hair had begun to work itself loose from the tight coils I’d worn during the wedding ceremony. I raised my fingers to my scalp and began finding all of the pins keeping the hair locked in place. As I pried them off one by one, my hair fell around me in a blonde tumble.
I stripped off my underwear and bra and stepped into the shower. The water was blazing hot, and at first I could barely stand to stick a toe under the scalding stream. But gradually, I worked my way underneath until it was pouring over my head and cascading down my skin. I closed my eyes and stood there for a long time. The shower beat down blissfully on my neck and back, trickling between my breasts and the welts that the dress had left on my spine and hips.
I found some soap and scrubbed at my skin. I couldn’t explain why, but it was as if I was peeling free of something, like a snakeskin, and the me that stepped out of this shower was going to be a completely different person than the one who had first stepped in. Like I was embracing my new life in yet another way, after Ben and I had had our first bike ride and first night under the same roof as Mr. and Mrs. Killmore. It wasn’t the worst name in the world, I supposed.
Then I shuddered. I was not about to let myself get used to this. One way or another, I’d find a means of escape.
Finally, after I’d soaped every inch of my skin and rinsed the suds away, I cut the faucet off. The silence of the room was perfect. I stood there for a moment longer, soaking it in, breathing in the warm air and letting it fill my lungs before it whooshed out in a long, tension-melting sigh. Then I climbed out of the shower and used the lone towel in the room to dry off my hair and body.
When I was dry, I wrapped the towel around my chest and opened the door separating the bathroom from the bedroom. After the scorching shower, the blast of the A/C felt like an Arctic breeze. I shivered and rubbed the goosebumps that rippled up and down my arms.
One glance at the wedding dress I’d left on the floor and I remembered I didn’t have any other clothes with me. It was a weird thought, to realize I’d left my whole life behind. My clothes, my belongings, all of it was still back at my father’s house. Did I just bring it all here? I didn’t like the idea of facing Daddy yet. It was too soon.
I decided to borrow some clothes from Ben for now. I found his closet, opened it, and saw a few shirts hanging inside. One of them looked wearable. I took it out and laid it on the bed, then padded back to the bathroom to put my underwear back on.
I rifled through the drawers beneath the sink and found an unused comb. As I started to brush through my wet hair, I realized with a start that I was singing to myself. I froze. I couldn’t get over how normal this all felt. Sleeping in a comfortable bed, showering, as if nothing in my life had changed.
But it had. Everything had changed.
I resumed combing, but I made sure I stayed silent. Despite the part of me that wanted to accept all this chaos with a smile, there was another, more stubborn voice in my head that refused. My father could threaten me into doing whatever he wanted, but he couldn’t decide what I thought about it. That was for me and me alone.
When I had finished tugging out all of the knots, I turned to go put on the shirt of Ben’s I’d laid on top of the comforter. I took half a step into the bedroom and froze.
There was a man walking through the doorway from the living room. “Hello?” he called.