Fuck.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this kind of confusion and tension in my body. I lay back on the hood of my car, shielding my eyes against the sun. When my phone buzzes in my pocket again, I pull it out to look at the screen. It’s not Amber, it’s Michael, and there’s a couple of voicemails from him too. I slide my finger across the screen too answer.
“Hello?”
“Nice of you to pick up your phone,” Michael says in a tone of voice I’ve come to know as him being pissed and trying to hide it.
“I answered this time.”
There’s a barely concealed sigh. “But not the other five.”
“Is there a reason you’re calling me six times on a non-shooting day? Did I forget to be somewhere?”
“No, I just needed to make sure you were alive and that you hadn’t done something monumentally stupid.”
I sit up. “What are you talking about? We have two days off. You don’t trust me to not get in trouble for two days.”
“Under normal circumstances, yes, I—”
“Why aren’t circumstances normal, Michael?” With everything else going on, I really don’t want any more surprises. I’m trying to fight off the feeling of dread in my gut.
“Dwyer said that she’s been trying to get a hold of you for two days to go over things for the new script and she hasn’t heard from you. Made her a little nervous, so she called me to make sure that you were going to show up to shooting tomorrow. I swear, Peter, if you did something—”
“She thinks I’m not coming in?” The dread pools in my stomach and stays, cold like a rock. “Of course I’m coming in. I’ve just been off the grid. I needed some time without everyone in my head, you know?”
There’s a short silence. “That’s it?”
I huff a laugh, “Yeah. I’ve been kind of avoiding my phone. Just letting my thoughts be the only ones for a while.”
“Okay.” There’s a sigh, but this one is a sigh of relief. I’m used to Michael overreacting, but it still makes me roll my eyes. “I’ll let her know. And in the future, if you need some personal time, at least let me know first so I can cover your ass and not get it from your directors.”
“Sure,” I lie. Like hell am I going to tell Michael whenever I need space to mull over a personal problem. Some parts of my life are still mine. Or they should be. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” There’s no way in hell Michael would call me about this and then not show up to set to verify. His paranoia works in my favor most of the time, so I don’t mind.
“Count on it,” he says before the line goes dead.
That really wasn’t what I expected. So Amber hasn’t been calling because she wants to talk to me. She’s been calling because she wants to make sure that I’m not going to walk off set and leave the show hanging. Even with everything that’s between us, I’m stunned that she thinks I would do that. If that’s really what she believes, then she really doesn’t trust me. At all.
I need a new plan. This plan is how to work with her while forcing myself to keep my distance. Because losing her twice is enough. If I let myself get close one more time and she’s not ready, my heart won’t take it. I know it won’t.
So, new plan. Cool and professional and distant, with the best performance that I can possibly give. I hop down off the hood and into the driver’s seat. Time to work the hell out of my script. When I used to do theater, I would make hundreds of notes about motivation and character.
Over the years I’ve learned to do it a lot of it in my head, but not now. Not only will it help distract me from the pain that’s hovering at the edges, but also it will give me something to focus on during the shoot.
I know I’m going to want to follow Amber with my eyes and more. I’m the moth, and she’s the flame. It’s going to take time for me to train myself out of the habit.
That pain flashes out, and for a second, I can’t breathe. This feels worse than I ever imagined it could. I shut off the possibility of a life with Amber a long time ago. Having that hope come back and then—
I’m driving down this road and it feels like I’m cutting my own heart out. But I can do it for her. I’ll give her what she wants, because all I’ve ever wanted is for Amber to be happy. And if this is what it takes, then I can do it, even if it kills me.