I felt my cheeks growing hot instantly. It was like I’d been caught sorting through his underwear drawer, even though the articles were totally public domain. “I mean, I finally glanced at some KMU Daily articles, after you showed me that one—”
“That makes me so happy,” he said, his features softening.
“That’s kind of my point, though,” I said, trying to push past my shyness. “You seem like you love the public scrutiny. Like nothing could scare you off.”
He ran his palm along his thigh, probably working off some tightness from his game earlier that night. “I don’t mind the public scrutiny so much. But… it’s not about me. It’s about the people around me,” he said softly.
“Oh,” I said. “I understand.”
“I don’t care what the articles say about me,” he said. “They could call me the world's biggest homo and I would go on proudly through every minute of it. But nobody I’ve ever dated wants their personal life splashed on newspapers. And if I went into the professional league, the attention would only be worse. A hundred times over.”
“That sounds like a nightmare,” I said.
“And it is.”
“Having the world read about who I’m dating would make me want to throw up. Even if it were just the Kansas Midwest University world.”
“Exactly,” Brody said. “I can take the heat, but I never want to subject anybody close to me to that. Ever again.”
His expression grew darker.
I had an inkling of what he might have been referring to. Among all the articles about Brody’s LGBT advocacy, there had been a smattering of more gossipy headlines and blogs about a couple of guys he’d allegedly dated. One of the guys hadn’t even been out of the closet when he started seeing Brody. He had been a football player for the Wolves as well, two years ago, but had since transferred away to another university. The guy had written a statement about how destructive the public attention was for his mental health.
I swallowed. “I saw a couple of those articles, too,” I said quietly. I felt I owed Brody the truth. “I’m so sorry.”
“I figured you must have seen the shit about my past relationships, if you looked me up,” he said, giving me a sympathetic glance. “Thank you. Everything’s fine now. I’m still friends with him, and he’s much happier after transferring. He’s been dating another guy now for about a year.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” I said.
“And that’s why I don’t do relationships anymore,” he said simply. “At least not ‘til I’m long out of college. It just isn’t worth it. Those are my only two rules: no relationships, and no sleepovers with dudes.”
I watched him, shifting on the couch a little. “You won’t let yourself fall in love just because of that?”
“I sure won’t,” he said. “What’s the point? I don’t want to keep any secrets. I’m terrible at it, anyway. But I’m not going to subject anyone to unwanted attention.”
His lips formed a tight line as he talked about it. I almost felt sorry for him, for the first time ever.
I had wondered if maybe he liked having the excuse to live life as a playboy, unattached and free-wheeling for the rest of his days in college. But when he talked about the drama of his past, he had genuine pain in his eyes.
He let out a long breath, slapping his palms against his thighs. “Shit, I didn’t mean to dump my life story on you like that,” he said. “You’re just easy to talk to, Professor.”
My heart did a little leap in my chest. How did such a simple compliment feel so massive to me?
I snorted, trying to keep my cool. “That isn’t the reaction people usually have to me. But… thank you.”
He furrowed his brow. “It’s not?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “Usually people think I’m about as good at conversation as a brick wall,” I said. “Talking to people isn’t exactly my strong suit.”
“You’re better at it than you think,” he said. “Don’t sell yourself short, Logan.”
It was almost embarrassing how his words made my blood run hot. God, even if he wasn’t my type, it was addictive to hear him say such nice things to me.
“I’m trying my best,” I said quietly, fiddling with the seam on my pants again.
“You like reading a lot better, don’t you?”
“Guilty as charged,” I said. “And I can’t pretend to know how it must feel to have your dating life seen by the public, but I think you’re really strong for putting up with it.”
He waved a hand through the air. “I do all right.”
“I don’t even know what it’s really like to date anybody at all,” I admitted, my words somehow spilling out before I could catch them. “Shit. That’s embarrassing to admit.”
His eyes widened. “You’ve never dated anyone?”
Yeah.
Definitely a mistake to have admitted it. My chest suddenly felt wound up like a spring. The last thing I wanted was to be pitied by my roommate.