I stared at the blank screen. After twenty minutes of trying and failing to put some words down, I realized I’d been looking at the same damn blinking cursor since I first lay down with my laptop.
I was distracted now, in a way that normally never happened to me. But every time I tried to think of an opening sentence, my mind kept drifting off, replaying the events of the night.
The memory of Brody jerking off kept flashing in my mind, of course. But I also kept thinking about the rest of the night after that. It had been fun to watch a movie with him, talk, and eat good food. When I’d learned I’d be living with a football player, I’d thought that my nights would consist of hiding away from loud parties he’d throw, walking home to find smelly uniforms all over the place. Maybe even something worse. Something like all of the shit I’d endured throughout high school.
Brody was nothing like that at all. He still felt like some sort of magical creature to me—someone different, made from things that just weren’t available to me. He was effortlessly charismatic. He was charming. He actually knew how to hold a good conversation, unlike me.
And I definitely knew he had to be more experienced than me in bed.
My phone buzzed on my nightstand, breaking me out of my thoughts. Dani’s icon popped up on the screen.
“Dani,” I said, answering.
“Hey, Logan,” she said. “Did you get my text earlier?”
“The one of Felipe and Fiona? It was so damn cute,” I said. She’d sent me a picture of her two fluffy grey cats playing with an empty box, jumping in it and out of it over and over again.
“They’re going nuts in the new place,” Dani said. “They’re finally coming out of their shells. How are you doing? Surviving the football player from hell?”
I sat up a little straighter in bed, closing my laptop and setting it aside. “He’s not from hell,” I said, quieting my voice even though there was no way Brody would be able to hear from his room. “He’s actually pretty nice.”
“Am I speaking with Logan or an evil clone?” Dani said. “You’re saying a football player is nice?”
“When they were throwing eggs at my house in high school, I definitely didn’t think I’d ever be able to say they were nice,” I said. “But… yes. Brody actually seems pretty cool.”
“Is he hot?”
“Dani,” I groaned.
“What? Is he?”
I rolled my eyes even though she couldn’t see me. “Yeah. I mean, duh.”
“Hell yeah,” she said, a devious tone in her voice. “At least if you have to live with somebody random, he’s eye candy.”
“I’m trying not to think of him that way,” I said.
“Why not?”
“Because I want to be respectful to my housemate.”
“You can respectfully check out his ass, you know,” she said. “I bet it’s unreal. All those workouts…”
I couldn’t suppress a laugh. “Man, getting a boyfriend has changed you. Since when are you less shy than I am?”
“It really has changed me,” she said, a dreamy lilt to her voice.
She sounded so happy. And I was happy for her, even if I was achingly jealous at the same time.
“Anyway, that’s a relief,” she said. “I still feel so guilty for leaving you with a random roommate.”
“I told you I didn’t mind,” I said. “I’m glad you’re happy. You deserve it, Dani.”
It was true. When she’d mentioned the idea of moving in with her boyfriend, I had fiercely encouraged her to do it. Sure, I hadn’t loved the idea of a random roommate, but I knew I’d be able to survive. Dani had never fallen in love before, and when it finally happened with Henry, I wanted to cheer her on like a damn fangirl.
Both of us had thought for a long time that we’d be alone forever. We were still young, but after years of seeing other students move through hookups, relationships, and even engagements, Dani and I had started to think we were freaks, somehow. We had both never dated anybody. Never had a partner. The fact that she’d finally found love meant that I had some small shred of hope for myself, too.
The most I’d ever done with a guy was when I shared a secret makeout with a foreign exchange student from Italy last year. He’d invited me to a piano concerto performance in a local theater, and he’d snuck in a little bottle of lemony liquor for himself. I’d thought he just wanted to see some good music, but at the end of the night, he stuck his tongue in my mouth.
It was not romantic. But at least I could say I’d been kissed before.
The foreign exchange student was long gone soon after that. And I was never going to begrudge Dani finally getting an awesome boyfriend, even if it did mean I had to play the housemate lottery.