A newfound seriousness comes over them as Roman reaches down to his dead mother’s decaying body. Marcus hovers close by as Levi seems to take a hesitant step back, horror deep in his eyes. The boys have lugged a million dead bodies around the streets of the city and have never had an issue, but this one is different. This one hits home.
Roman’s arms slip under her body, and as he goes to lift her out of the coffin, Marcus scoops in beneath him. “Careful of her head,” he rushes out, cradling her head as though it’s the most precious jewel in the world. His hands become knotted into her matted hair as Roman holds her close to his chest.
The two of them carefully step back together, terrified of disturbing her fragile body before slowly lowering her down to the blanket. Roman gets down on his knees, his heavy eyes expressing everything he refuses to say out loud.
Once she’s safely on the ground, Roman moves back and Levi hesitantly takes the edge of the blanket and drapes it over her body. Tears well in my eyes. For so long, I thought the boys were incapable of feeling this deeply. I thought they were monsters, unable to recognize basic human emotion, but every single day they continue to surprise me. They continuously force me to reconsider every judgmental thought I ever had about them.
They’re deep, honest men with hearts bigger than anyone I’ve ever met, but they’ve been broken and shattered over and over again. They’ve been forced to build cement walls around their hearts to not only protect themselves, but to protect their brothers. They’re stronger than I could have ever known, and it makes me hate their father more. He turned them into these beasts, stripped them of their innocence, and forced them into a world where they were corrupted and destroyed. He deserves the most brutal death, and I can’t wait to give it to him.
The boys’ mother disappears beneath the blanket and my brows furrow, not understanding why they need it. They could have just carried her out to the car like they usually do, but I guess maybe they want to do this with a little more respect. Besides, she’s been dead for twenty-something years, and I doubt they’ve ever had experience with a corpse like this. There’s no telling what could happen once her body begins to thaw.
They secure her in the blanket, and before I know it, Roman is scooping her into his arms again. He holds her bridal style instead of the over-the-shoulder bullshit the boys generally reserve for me.
Everybody stands back, allowing Roman to walk out first, and the somber look in his eyes is enough to bring me to my knees. He refuses to meet my stare, and I don’t blame him. I’ve been pushing him too far, forcing him to feel things that he’s probably not ready to admit, but now isn’t the time to push. If he needs to talk, I need to trust that he’ll come to me.
We follow Roman back out of the massive castle, and I hope to God that this is the last time I’ll have to be here, despite how this place still somehow feels like home to the boys. Once everything is said and done, I’m sure we’ll build a place of our own. Hell, maybe we’ll even get a kick out of knocking down Giovanni’s family home just to build our own in the boys’ image, a home where Roman can raise his son and have a family. I don’t know if I’ll fit into that, but the idea of not being a part of that new life darkens something deep in my soul.
We step out through the main door and it’s still crazy to me that the door opens and closes just as it was always intended. The keypad is fucked and there’s no way to keep anyone locked inside. We’ve come so far in such a little time, but the war on the horizon still terrifies me.
Snow White is placed gently into the trunk of the big SUV, and within moments, we’re sailing out through the massive iron gates and through the rolling hills. The drive is silent, each of us staring out the windshield with heavy hearts.
My fingers curl through Levi’s and I hold onto him with everything I’ve got, wishing that I could somehow take his pain. He loops our joined hands over my shoulder and pulls me into his side, needing me close, and that’s exactly how we stay until Roman brings the SUV to a stop four hours later.
Climbing out of the SUV, I glance out at the rolling, grassy hill that overlooks the sandy, crystal-clear beach below. “It’s beautiful,” I breathe, not intending to have said the words out loud.
Roman steps past me, moving toward the trunk. “It is,” he says. “I think she’ll like it here.”
Glancing back at him over my shoulder, he meets my heavy stare and I nod. “You’re right. It’s perfect.” Roman holds my stare for a moment, and as something softens in his eyes, I know that he’s going to be alright, but that doesn’t take away from just how hard this will be.
Reaching into the trunk, Roman scoops his mother into his capable arms as Marcus grabs the three shovels stashed in the back. Together, we walk as one to the very top of the green hill, and I smile as I find the grass littered with little white and yellow flowers.
Looking out from the top of the hill is a scene that takes my breath away. The sky is a rich blue with not a cloud in sight, and the late morning sun shines down upon us. The breeze flowing in from the ocean brushes against my skin, blowing my hair back off my face. I can only imagine just how beautiful the horizon would be at sunset. The boys really have chosen an amazing resting place for their mother. She’ll be happy here.
The boys get busy digging a deep hole as I drop down in the long grass beside their mother. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to see the incredible men your three boys have turned into,” I tell her as I straighten her dress and fix her hair, making sure it’s perfect, the way any Mafia wife would have wanted to be presented. “You would have been so proud of them. Though perhaps you’ve been watching over them all this time and already know just how amazing they are.”
I like to think that on some level, she can hear me, but I’m not completely insane. Not yet at least.
Glancing down at her one last time, I fix the blanket around her before stepping away.
One by one, the boys take a break from digging and sit with their mother, telling her about their life, telling her the things that no mother should ever have to be burdened with, telling her how desperately they wish she had been able to stick around, how badly they needed her.
Each word that tears out of their souls kills me, but I keep my gaze on the water below, offering them what little privacy I can, until finally, the hole is as deep as it’s going to get and the boys are ready to say their last goodbye.
Marcus and Roman jump down into the bottom of the deep grave as Levi crouches beside his mother. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, his eyes softening with pain as he scoops her into his strong arms. “We should have done better by you. We’ll see you again Mother. I swear, we’ll make you proud.”
And with that, he lowers her body into his brothers’ arms to be laid into her final resting place. She’s covered up with the blanket, protecting her body the best way they can before Levi offers them a hand and pulls each of his brothers out of their mother’s grave.
A heavy silence settles over the hill, and even the soft whistle of the breeze seems to fade as the boys fill the grave one shovelful at a time. We each sit at the top of the hill, looking over the ocean as the sun sinks lower and lower until finally, it kisses the horizon, plunging the earth into vibrant shades of pink, orange, red, and yellow.
29
Roman
My hand balls into a fist as it hovers by Shayne’s bedroom door. I’ve come past here four fucking times already, and each time I’ve walked straight by, too fucking pussy to stop and say what I’ve been meaning to say for so damn long. Once those words come out of my mouth, there’s no taking them back.
Shayne has been a rock to me, though she wouldn’t know it. She’s kept me grounded and focused through all of this. She keeps me breathing. Without her, I would have gone off the rails. I owe my life to her. I would have run full steam ahead into a shitty situation and lost everything, but she helps me see the clear picture ahead. She’s been forcing me to live, not just sail on by without a fucking care in the world. I don’t know how, but she’s breathing life back into me, and in return, I’ve been a fucking prick.
I can’t handle it. Once I tell her that she’s somehow become my whole fucking world, she becomes an even bigger target with an even bigger chunk of my soul to destroy if she were to be taken away from me, just like every other woman I’ve allowed into my world.