Cowboy Up (Lucas Brothers)

“You do?”

“Before Ida Sue, I was married. I planned on being with her the rest of my life. She wanted kids and well, I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I told her we’d adopt and do whatever. As long as we were together, then, we would still be a family. To me that’s all that mattered. She didn’t feel the same.”

“She was a fool,” I respond, putting my hand on his arm that is lying on the counter.

“I couldn’t see that at the time. To me, it felt like I destroyed everything. I felt worthless. Having her walk away cut pieces out of me that I thought I’d never get back. I walked around empty and cold for way too many years to count.”

“That’s a feeling I truly know. That’s how I feel right now, actually.”

“I know it don’t feel like it, honey, but you don’t have to stay like that.”

I laugh bitterly, allowing some of my hurt to bleed through. “Is this where you tell me that if I let him, Blue will fix everything?”

Jansen shakes his head, his lips giving a small smile. “The man I had to dunk three times in cold water just to make alert, couldn’t fix shit right now, honey.”

“Blue’s been drunk?”

“Been on a bender since you sent him packing,” Jansen says, and you can tell he’s not happy about it. “Hell, if there’s a phrase for being drunker than drunk, that was him. Damn fool is lucky he didn’t get alcohol poisoning.”

“I don’t think I remember Blue ever being drunk.”

“I recall three other times,” Jansen says, surprising me. “The day he found out you were marrying Clark, he stayed drunk for two days. The day of your wedding, he was drunk all day and for days after.”

I look down at the counter, avoiding his eyes. “That’s only twice. When was the third?”

“Right after Black’s crazy girlfriend destroyed your vehicle and he saw you and Adam. He stayed drunk for days before having that van delivered. It was hard on him. He kept saying he needed to go and get you and Adam. That he was the man who was supposed to give you a good life and he lost his chance.”

“She was Black’s girlfriend?”

“Yeah, you thought she was Blue’s?”

I don’t answer, although I do wonder why Blue never told me. Not only that, he took all the blame back then. I think on that for a minute before I continue. “He mentioned Adam? Even then?”

“Even then,” Jansen says, and I still can’t bring myself to look at him.

“I kind of wish he had,” I laugh, tears stinging my eyes. “I was trying to hold everything together, but I was so young and stupid…”

“Darlin’, you were just trying to live up to your vows and give your child a father because you never had one. I think you need to forgive yourself. We’re all only human and sometimes we get lost in our head and don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Forgive yourself and maybe one day you can forgive Blue.”

I wave my hand, finally looking up. “I forgive him, Jansen. I do. I’m just not sure I can get past it. No matter how hard I try, the way it all made me feel is always there. I can’t seem to forget it. I keep waiting for him to leave again. In my experience that’s what the men in my life do.”

He looks at me, his mouth tight, but nods in acceptance. For some reason, having him understand and not tell me to move past it hurts like hell. I was waiting for him to give me hope and he doesn’t seem to be.

“In that case, I’m going to give you the same advice I gave Blue.”

“What’s that?” I ask.

“I told him it’s not about the two of you anymore. You have two kids depending on you to make this work. They need to have both of you in their lives. They are what is important. You need to arrange to talk with Blue so you can work that out.”

“Jansen—”

“Sweetheart, keeping Blue away from Adam doesn’t only hurt Blue, it hurts your son. You don’t want that.”

“No, I don’t. Adam’s been crying for Blue. He loves him.”

“What if you let me take Adam home for the night? There’s no school tomorrow. Blue can take him fishing tomorrow, soothe over some of the hurt.”

My heart constricts in my chest. It hurts like hell, but I nod yes. “He’d like that. I’ll go and get him to pack an overnight bag—”

“You stay with the animals. I’ll get Adam and bring him back to say bye before we leave.”

“You sure? He will need—”

“Darlin’, I once had to take care of a whole box of crayons and a small flower garden while Lovey was recovering from surgery. I think I’m good.”