It takes a long minute of confusion before I realize what he’s saying, and when I do, I laugh. The sound might not contain joy, but the humor is there and at least it’s not painful to force the air from my lungs.
“Okay,” I finally answer. “I guess you have a point.”
He starts walking to the door and when he opens it up, he puts his hat back on. I look down at the papers I was filling out before he came in. They’re questionnaires and forms for a low income, handicapped apartment. It’s a long shot, but there are a couple of nice facilities on the outskirts of Mason. If we get one of those, Mom might be happy.
“Sweetheart?” Jansen asks, telling me he hasn’t left. I look up and his face is soft. “My last piece of advice? Sometimes the best plan of action is to swallow your pride. It sucks and it’s not fair, but if you can find it in your heart to do that—find the courage to risk more pain—you might find there’s happiness waiting for you like you’ve never known.”
“Bravery is not my strong suit, Jansen.”
“Bullshit. Look what you’ve already survived and how you’ve helped Adam to become the great kid he is. You’re one of the bravest women I’ve ever met. Considering my family is full of stubborn, strong women, I know what I’m talking about.”
“It’s not that easy, Jansen.”
“I get that. It took a hell of a lot for me to keeping holding on for Ida Sue when she would continually push me away, but I can tell you that there has never been nothing sweeter in my life than giving my heart to her.”
“Jansen, it’s different with me and Blue.”
“He loves you. He’s tried to show you that lately. It doesn’t condone how he treated you when you came back to Mason or the choices he made in the past, sweetheart. But the past is the past. We can wallow in it or move into the future. I can’t begin to tell you what you should do. I’ll just tell you that I know what I’d do. I’d go through all the pain again and again to get to the sweet life I have now.”
“The main difference here, Jansen, is that the pain you’ve been through wasn’t delivered by Ida Sue.”
“If you think that woman didn’t put me through the wringer and hurt me while we’re trying to work our shit out, you’re crazy. The sad reality about love is that it hurts sometimes. It’s how you respond to that hurt that matters most. You, Meadow, have to decide if you’re going to cowboy up and hold on for the full ride or wimp out and fall off before the buzzer sounds. I don’t think you’re a quitter, honey. I’m hoping you’ll prove me right.”
I stare at the door after Jansen leaves. I feel as if I can’t push air through my lungs.
I don’t think you’re a quitter, honey. I’m hoping you’ll prove me right.
“I think you have too much faith in me, Jansen,” I murmur to myself.
Chapter 46
Meadow
I look at the mirror, not happy with what is reflecting back. I’ve tamed my hair and put on a flowing, bohemian dress. It’s pretty, but I’m mostly wearing it because my pants are starting to get tight. My first choice was sweatpants, but I don’t want Blue to see me like that. He’ll be bringing back Adam today and that leaves me feeling nervous. Everything Jansen said keeps repeating in my head and I can’t let go of it. Maybe I’m just being foolish, but I love Blue. If there’s a chance I can find the strength to put the past behind me, could the future be as good as Jansen said? I hear a car pull up outside and give myself one last glance in the mirror before heading outside.
I paste a smile on my face as I open the door. It falters when I realize it’s not Blue in his truck, but Black. I feel crushed, and I should be relieved, I guess. I don’t have time to dwell on it though, because Adam is shooting out of the truck and making a beeline for me. His little arms wrap around me, and I breathe his sweet scent in. I’ve done so much wrong in my life, but Adam is everything good and right with the world. He’s my world. Just like this baby I’m carrying will be.
“Did you have fun, buddy?” I ask, crouching down to brush my son’s hair and take in his glowing face.
“It was great! Blue took me fishing and we caught so many! He even taught me how to skin and filet them!”
I wince. “Eww…”
“It was gross and so awesome!”
“You were about to forget these,” Black reminds Adam. He comes up the steps with Adam’s overnight bag and three bags of frozen fish.