Say You Swear

I know Chase felt something, just like I know this is painful for him, too. A different kind of painful, but painful, nonetheless.

I’ve always wondered if we were a longshot best not taken, but now I know it’s true.

Reality is sad.

I’m sad, but I’ll have to get over it, because like my brother has been trying to tell me, keeping our friendships tight is more important than anything.

We didn’t make promises; I didn’t ask him for more before I gave him everything, and that’s on me. I’ll bear the burden if it means I get to keep him in some way.

With that thought in mind, I inhale, offering a soft smile to the man across from me.

It’s as if he was holding his breath, as a gush of air wooshes from his lips, and he jolts to his feet, finding his way over to the empty space beside me.

His gaze flies between mine. “Arianna…”

“I know.” I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat, unable to keep my eyes dry. “You don’t have to say it.”

His features pull. “I feel like a jackass. I knew what I was doing, and… I wanted it.” He looks into my eyes, and I see his truth. “I wanted you, Ari. I just, I don’ know. I didn’t think. I just jumped.” His head jerks away in frustration. “I feel like I’m screwing you over, like I’m treating you like you’re not important to me when you are.”

“Chase.” I fight hard to keep my voice from cracking. “Look at me.”

He looks over, but only with his eyes, as if the thought of facing me head-on is too much.

“I know better than that.” The left side of my mouth lifts sadly, a tear making its way down my cheek. “You were good to me.” I place my shaky hand on his knee, afraid to touch him but needing him to hear me. “I don’t regret it.”

He studies me, searching for sincerity, but his nod is unsure.

“You’re not some random girl, Ari. You’re more. You mean… so much more.” My heart punches me behind my ribs, and I wish he would stand and walk away, stop talking or something, but he continues.

“I don’t even know what happened,” he whispers earnestly. Regretfully. “We were standing there in the dark, your hair was blowing around and you… you looked so beautiful, Ari. And sad.” I clench my teeth to keep a sob from breaking free. “Everything with Payton, I don’t know. I had to kiss you. Once I did, I couldn’t stop.” He swallows, and I use every bit of strength I can muster not to look away.

Chase drops his attention to the ground, and I brace myself, adding a couple of nails into the organ beating behind my chest to keep it at bay, because I know what’s coming. I know what he’s about to say and it’s going to sting like no other.

Soft green eyes lift to mine, and I dig my nails into my thighs, focusing on the physical pain rather than the emotional torture he’s about to inflict.

And he does.

Chase’s voice is low and regretful as he whispers words I will never forget. “It was a mistake.”

I gasp on the inside.

“I don’t know, Ari. Maybe if things were different I… we…”

That’s all I can handle because things could be different. Things would be different… if he wanted them to be.

But at the end of the day, the facts are clear.

I mean a lot to Chase, but his friendship with my brother means more.

And that’s okay.

I’ve known it for years. I’ll know it for years to come.

Hopefully the ache doesn’t last as long as the hope did.

Pushing to my feet, I can hardly force a smile.

“I’m going to go home with my parents tonight.”

He’s on his feet in the next second. “No—”

“I need to leave, Chase,” I cut him off. “I’m fine. I just—” I can’t be around you. “I need to leave.” I need to figure out how I’m going to be able to face you after this.

“Yeah, okay,” he says quietly, dropping his chin to his chest. “What will you say to Mason when he asks why you’re leaving?”

A flicker of anger burns in my chest, but I push it away. “I don’t know, but after last night, I’m sure he’ll be happy to see me go.”

I start down the steps, both of us knowing my words are not true. My brother will be upset, angry even, but I can’t possibly be in that house with Chase just down the hall a day longer.

At the edge of the dock, Chase’s heartfelt words reach me, but they don’t soothe as he intended.

“I don’t want to lose you. It might not feel like it right now, but you mean a lot to me, Ari…”

“Yeah,” I breathe, while in the back of my mind, it whispers, just not enough.