Say You Swear

My brother steps up, wrapping me in his arms with a laugh. He shakes me. “I can’t even tell you what that felt like.”

I pull back and look at Mason’s smiling face. We’ve talked about this day since we were seven and he started youth football. This is the beginning of something big for my twin, and I can’t help but tear up over it.

“Stop it.” He laughs, shoving me lightly. “God, you’re just like Mom, cry baby,” he teases.

I laugh through my sob. “Yeah, well. I’m proud of you guys.”

Mason’s face softens and I know what he doesn’t have to say. Having me here with him at Avix means the world to him. He might be bossy and moody, but like me, my brother needs family and people he cares about nearby. He does about as well as I do alone, which is probably why it’s taking me longer than it should to wake up from my self-pity stage, because I’ve been pushing my family and friends away instead of taking comfort in the fact that they’re here for me. If only I’d allow them to be.

And they would be, but like I said, I won’t drive a wedge between my family. I’ll deal with it alone so that they don’t have to feel the void that comes with it.

A hand hesitantly brushes along my lower back to gain my attention, and I glance over my shoulder, my breath lodging in my throat as my eyes meet moss-green ones.

Chase.

His smile is small, cautious, and it’s heartbreaking.

My shoulders fall and I step from my brother’s embrace, turning to him.

He breathes a sigh of relief when I force myself to hug him as I did the others.

His heavy inhale has my ribs constricting, and I swallow the emotions threatening to give me away. “You did awesome tonight, Chase.” I whisper. “I’m so happy for you.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping he lets go soon, unsure if I’ll be able to.

His arms fall from my body with ease.

Why wouldn’t they?

Chase clears his throat as he steps back, smiling with uncertainty. An apology lurks behind his lashes, and I hate it. I don’t want his apology or guilt or anything else relatively related to regret, so I do my best to pretend I don’t realize he’s silently begging for forgiveness and understanding.

“How did it feel?” I ask, my insides churning, trying to block out the pathetic girl conversations I made up in my head for this exact moment.

God, how different those went.

We were lying on the couch while he ran his hands through my hair, whispering, replaying the images of his first college game, a night that will forever be stamped into his memory.

A memory I won’t be a part of, because it’s not my pillows he’ll be lying on tonight.

Why am I such a girl?

“It’s kind of surreal.” Chase’s eyes light up, creating a strain behind my own. “It was crazy out there. Those guys were massive.”

“You’re telling me, they looked like a team full of Brady’s!” Cam laughs, hopping onto Brady’s back.

Mason grins, glancing around. “I guess everyone’s getting ready to head out.” He turns to me, his smile flipping to a frown when he looks at my pants. “You’re not coming again.” His tone is accusatory.

I shrug, looking anywhere but him. “Not tonight.”

My brother waits for me to peek up and then pointedly flicks his eyes to Chase, who is chatting with Cam now, all to bring them right back to me.

I hold his gaze but give him nothing.

After a moment, he blows out a frustrated breath. “I’ll walk you back.”

“Our dorm has a group walk, they’re at the left gate, but I have to get over there because they leave in ten minutes.”

His eyes narrow. “Fine, but text me when you get home. Forget and I’ll be bangin’ on your door.”

“I won’t forget.” My lips twitch, and I look to the others once more. “Good job tonight, guys. I’ll see you—”

“Tomorrow.” Brady pins me with a pointed look. “Dinner.”

“Right.” I nod. “Bye.”

I rush away, joining the buddy walk back as promised.

Along the way I battle my brain.

I curse myself, wishing to wake up tomorrow morning and everything be back to normal, while simultaneously begging for a stroke of genius that leads to an excuse my brother will buy when I tell him I won’t be joining them for dinner tomorrow. Again.

But when I drop onto my bed, alone in my dorm while my friends are out celebrating this milestone that’ll never repeat itself, I remember the promise I made to Cam.

I remember the reason our families gave us a beach house and the purpose of us all working hard to make sure we could end up at the same college.

My feelings don’t get to take all that away.

So I’m going to suck it up, get up and go out.