Say You Swear

“I thought maybe you left with Paige.”

His frown is deep and instant. Noah shakes his head, licking his lips as if biting back words he wishes to speak, so I nod, silently asking for them.

“Paige is my friend,” he tells me, tension tightening his features as he adds, “From high school, and from Avix.”

My pulse beats a little harder and I wait for more.

“I know you didn’t realize this, but that’s where you met her. At Avix.” His eyes move between mine. “Not before. Not in the summer. On campus, weeks into the semester.”

My lips part, my shoulders drawing in. “I met her at school?”

He nods.

“Why would I remember her face and name out of everything else?” I wonder. “Was she important to me?”

He shakes his head again. “No, not necessarily.”

The deeper implication of his words strikes me, and an unexpected sense of dread follows. “She was important to you.”

His face contorts, a million thoughts flashing across it before he speaks, “Not the way you might be thinking.”

“I don’t even know what I’m thinking,” I admit quietly. “It’s like I have thoughts and worry, or anger and sadness, but I don’t know why or where to direct it. I keep wondering if I made a mistake. That maybe I should have let everyone fill in the holes, but I didn’t want what someone else thought I felt to smother how I actually did, because does anyone actually share their every feeling with someone else? I mean truly, and without selection?”

Noah stares me directly in the eye and says, “We did.”

Two words, so tender and candidly spoken, create an ache so deep in my bones, I have no idea where it ends or begins, no idea if it’s my pain I’m feeling… or his.

Noah tips his head, his smile is tight, but his words are genuine. “I disagree, by the way. I think what you’re going through is brave. Anyone could have sat there and listened to someone else tell the story of their life, but you chose to live it instead. Regardless of the confusion I know you feel and no matter the pain you can’t shake. You’re strong, Juliet.” He swallows. “So much stronger than you know.”

She’s stronger than she knows…

My throat runs thick, and as I stare at Noah, my mind sparks.

Like lightning during the day, the flashes are there, but by the time your eyes follow, there’s nothing in sight. No proof of what you witnessed, no sign of what was.

“What are you thinking?” he wonders.

“About how proud your mom was of you.” Pain flickers across his face, and his chest flares. “She must have been.”

His eyes fall fast, and he nods, facing away from me for a quiet moment. “I saw her the day she died. She was… it was a really good day. She gave me something we found years ago, something I’d forgotten about, and right over there by that pier is where we found it.” He sighs. “I can’t remember exactly where but somewhere near there.”

That brings a grin to my face and I look to the water. “The ocean always offers a surprise. I hope it’s a long time from now, but I’d like to be cremated, too.”

Noah turns to me, and for the first time, I feel like he just learned something about me he didn’t already know. “Yeah?”

I nod. “That way my ashes can be buried or spread, and it’ll be like being in my favorite place forever.” I look to him. “Want to know where that is?”

“I know where it is.”

“Oh yeah?” I chuckle, his response quick and unexpected.

Noah nods. “Here. At the beach.”

My mouth gapes. “How did you… never mind.” I grow a little embarrassed and look away.

“Juliet…” he calls, my eyes return to him, slowly shaking his head. “You didn’t tell me. You asked me to take you to my favorite place once.” I did? “So I asked if you would do the same.”

“I brought you here?” I whisper, my stomach whirling beneath my palm.

“You agreed to show me, but I said I’d bet I already knew, and you said… you bet I did too.” His grin is small and then it’s gone. “I never confirmed what I thought, but you just did.”

“This was the first time you guessed?”

“It was, but it doesn’t feel like a guess.” He swallows. “Feels like I knew.”

A shiver runs over me, and I bite at my cheek. “Because you know me.”

“Yeah. I do. Just like you knew what I needed to make yesterday the least bit okay.”

Pressure falls on my chest and I brace for the dizzy, for the fog and suffocation, but the panic never comes.

Curiosity does.

So, I turn to Noah, asking, “Where was your favorite place?”

At that, his eyes go soft, his voice nothing but a whisper when he says, “I could show you…”